Friday, December 19, 2014
Every day
People battle me, and no one popular can feel sorry for me. I just come on ready for the day. They also confuse me when I need help. It isn't all on purpose. :/ I feel people don't like my background altogether. Neither do I. I wonder what all I have to pay for, now. Minuscule things collected from the remote past.
Problem
I don't deserve less than anyone generation-wise! No one thinks I am as important as in my youth. You can't tell me what generation style I am. I'm being threatened. If you sacrifice for others, why beat on me? You can't protect a monster from me. I get it, it's dads born a distance from 1957. I am in trouble for thoughts. Someone did something, and others made me upset. I am very concerned, in general.
Hard to Think
here in Central Florida. I am getting better. Time to myself might help.
I was in a disposition of something horrific and just could not think w/o cursing and feeling trapped. I said that to myself before doing it a lot. In this case, there was no reason to be that mad, but people are still mad at me for it, like I am selfish. I never said anyone had to give me attention.
So, it was reactions to feelings or thoughts. At my best. :(
Rooting for the Ballerinas
I do have a desire to go back in and do something. I'd like to see the kids and youth perform and get famous in their favorite, The Nutcracker, with more girls dancing. More than 1 movie of it.
That's what it was.
They said I was in the same boat as someone else in a mushy way for not being good enough with dark hair. I don't know that I like that person more than many others, but I don't hate them! I dunno. I mean compared to most people? People meet to put themselves together. No one else is forced to put up with this. Take my dad for instance.
Problem
They are messing with me telling me I have another mom. The person who it is in how it is does not seem comfortable/desired to be solely/at all. They keep making fun of this person, too. I don't think that's mature and find this behavior selfish. I hope it doesn't lead to what I think. Also, people who are nice to me are being pressured that someone else did it and to not be nice and in the end I am actually quite lonely. I am lonely, anyway!
Bed
I have more to say. I'll have my phone but not be at home til later on on Sunday.
Don't wanna go to bed now but is a good time to start than later.
Also, a great aunt-in-law died yesterday. I liked her a lot but hadn't seen her in awhile. I can't believe it. I'm disturbed, tho, that like maybe it was partly for a certain reason but can just say I'm happy she saw her great great granddaughter.
I don't like how I feel guilty now. I could get sick or die myself. I want to be happy.
Don't wanna go to bed now but is a good time to start than later.
Also, a great aunt-in-law died yesterday. I liked her a lot but hadn't seen her in awhile. I can't believe it. I'm disturbed, tho, that like maybe it was partly for a certain reason but can just say I'm happy she saw her great great granddaughter.
I don't like how I feel guilty now. I could get sick or die myself. I want to be happy.
ha ha - ha
Admit it, you all have a fetish that this person is better than me. I'm not thinking of them every time something good happens to me.
Foolishness
Doing things like my old best friends who just dumped me. You think it's nifty? I'm not gonna sit here and meditate on sin. I don't care about their wicked fantasies. They chose never to talk to me again and didn't say why they didn't answer my e-mails timely.. I sent them lots of letters but didn't explain I guess yet that I felt trapped with nothing to do in my home for some reason, forgetting I could get a blog, an online journal. The letters were mostly to help them with their problems and I said sorry I keep sending them but I just had to add more and felt stuck spamming them already I guess. I meant no harm. I see them all over cuza this, and it's not bowling over right. Spare them their misery, tho, and don't make them look bad. Yes, they seem to have some bad ways that are copied. What about the big world? Where did it go? Cuz everyone had kids early? Do you expect much in life? I mean, I don't mean to say anything but that's what happened. Now, we have nice kids, tho.
Story
There was a girl named Murl. She was 25. She had lose dirty brown hair. Her eyes were blue.
She had a friend named Becky who was 15, another named Eudella who was 13. Becky had curly dark red hair and green eyes. Eudella had dirty blonde hair and bright, light, sparkling blue eyes.
The 3 friends went out together. Appeared a man, embraced Becky with her lovely locks, kissed Eudella on the cheek. He was 35. He came up to Murl and lifted her off her feet, forced a drink down her and had her fast asleep. He came to river deep. In his castle her he would keep.
She woke up and knew not where she was nor could she seem to remember how she got there. The man, whose name was Steven, said he took her there. She was trapped like the French tale of Beauty and the Beast. He said he felt a great affection for her. He was a magician and philosopher. He took off his brunette wig and appeared a jolly fellow with light brown hair and laughing eyes. He said he loved her and wanted to marry her. Then, he was beside himself and realized she felt too youthful to live a married life. He said they would be friends. She probably would not marry him now. See, they were friends. He said he would move in to her common house. They found a room and she didn't know what to say or do. There were journeys to learn of things far away from the clans. He caught on well and told her of his youth. He explained why he was so old and cold but really was very merry. There were other people there. A little girl named Susie was whimpering to an older woman talking her. A boy was running around playing with other boys. Murl joined in. The boy went off to make friends with other warlocks his age. Finally, they reached the ocean. It seemed so empty and dark at night. They walked along the edge with great confidence. Murl was feeling uneasy, and while the boy was away finally one of the women came over to comfort her and put her hand around her shoulder. She lifted the girl up and rocked her around. Becky was weeping at the water's edge but felt glorious and grand, as anyone could tell. Eudella was collecting seashells. Steven steadied her and told her to watch out, for some waters held sea creatures nearby.
She had a friend named Becky who was 15, another named Eudella who was 13. Becky had curly dark red hair and green eyes. Eudella had dirty blonde hair and bright, light, sparkling blue eyes.
The 3 friends went out together. Appeared a man, embraced Becky with her lovely locks, kissed Eudella on the cheek. He was 35. He came up to Murl and lifted her off her feet, forced a drink down her and had her fast asleep. He came to river deep. In his castle her he would keep.
She woke up and knew not where she was nor could she seem to remember how she got there. The man, whose name was Steven, said he took her there. She was trapped like the French tale of Beauty and the Beast. He said he felt a great affection for her. He was a magician and philosopher. He took off his brunette wig and appeared a jolly fellow with light brown hair and laughing eyes. He said he loved her and wanted to marry her. Then, he was beside himself and realized she felt too youthful to live a married life. He said they would be friends. She probably would not marry him now. See, they were friends. He said he would move in to her common house. They found a room and she didn't know what to say or do. There were journeys to learn of things far away from the clans. He caught on well and told her of his youth. He explained why he was so old and cold but really was very merry. There were other people there. A little girl named Susie was whimpering to an older woman talking her. A boy was running around playing with other boys. Murl joined in. The boy went off to make friends with other warlocks his age. Finally, they reached the ocean. It seemed so empty and dark at night. They walked along the edge with great confidence. Murl was feeling uneasy, and while the boy was away finally one of the women came over to comfort her and put her hand around her shoulder. She lifted the girl up and rocked her around. Becky was weeping at the water's edge but felt glorious and grand, as anyone could tell. Eudella was collecting seashells. Steven steadied her and told her to watch out, for some waters held sea creatures nearby.
*sigh*
I wonder if I should be dating, but I don't wanna marry. I was thinking of doing it in Europe. But like at age 40, have a real baby if I have one, or two, boy and girl. The babies you have when you are younger are the oldest kids in the family and of that generation. The special time was kids born in 1997/1998 to Late Boomers. My mom keeps her age a secret, but my dad is a Baby Boomer, too, born 1950. I dunno if it would apply for my dad. It seems the point was to have parents born far after 1950, but who said that just to cut the cheese? It seems women of all ages are nice. There's also a thing about having Generation X parents. I seem to have neither. Well.. So, what about the people with the younger parents but born earlier? I wish I could tell my mom's age. Maybe, I don't. What can I do without being allowed to tell her age? I guess the young kids today have Generation X parents. Or they are blooming or starting possibly in some maturity. They are trying to group us all with an age group and type of parent. They sometimes use family members that magnet, in a certain way.. I find that my older aunt keeps some distance as a person and so did a friend's parents who were much older than my dad. It's very hard to have older parents like that. You don't really feel the love. It's about the younger people talking to you, or if you're in school you have a lotta people and you can make your way up the ladder more on your own. The parental unit is there to provide for you concerning that part. It's not about getting *** with older people, which I do not understand. I never really thought about caveman ***. I mean, people born in the 1960s still had Late Boomers to be there for them, at least. I feel I have no one. Everyone just acts like I'm bad and in trouble all the time, and I can't seem to go about my business. This seems to be a better topic to be on. I can't be too upset. I just need to make it as a citizen and follow my dreams, too. Again, sorry for the way I can rub off as incompetent. No, I do not listen to people who tell me I am bad and need to listen, tho. What if it's wrong, anyway? Sorry, still..
Pathetic
Did you know that they are all gaga over the people who live in Southeastern Florida? I've been tortured for being privileged to be from there my whole life. I am in some ways the only hated one. It struck a nerve in me, whenever I see, oh Broward County has such and such performing.
I know why people don't believe in me.
things like not being on track in school is in the background rather depressing..
Then, I was inspired.
Now, I'm living off the past mostly. I think I'm coming into, into who I was, am, or wannabe.
O, yes, this is goodbye to everyone?
I need peace to do the right thing. I didn't do anything to deserve anything other than a good meal and a bed to sleep in.
Disagree
I do not accept people who do the wrong thing? No one's perfect. I'll deal with the bumps in the road. Go up north where happiness is free! They are under some false illusion themselves but know.
Specifically about people. I know when someone is good and when someone is bad. Bad people commit crimes for who know why? If they camera every street, we can track them down. People defy authority. Some are desperate.
Specifically about people. I know when someone is good and when someone is bad. Bad people commit crimes for who know why? If they camera every street, we can track them down. People defy authority. Some are desperate.
Mayday Mayday
I don't want an incoming Gramma who got nothing but mean stuff to say. How incredibly ***. Nothing but this "fake" made up punishment. You know, my dad's family are incredibly bossy save more for his youngest sister, who is in her own right. They come up to you like don't you dare say I'm not the Caucasian one. They're always "gobbling" in your face that mood.
Problem
Nothing to talk about that people like.
My dad just skims over what I figure out like he says no nothing happened and no to what is right.
We don't need to ask him to give us orders. He doesn't qualify over other people, even, enough, nor meets the bar/par. There's a thing where a person qualifies for something or they don't.
My dad just skims over what I figure out like he says no nothing happened and no to what is right.
We don't need to ask him to give us orders. He doesn't qualify over other people, even, enough, nor meets the bar/par. There's a thing where a person qualifies for something or they don't.
(c)
I added a note on the 1st performance video I wa told I could post it online, but I had 2nd thoughts about what they publisher said they could do, free performance. Can anyone tell me what they do? I might go delete them. I was wondering if they wrote it. :( It's a drag. I mean, why did they say yes?
Violating My Rights to Alienate Me Totally
I don't see in such a civilized manner I executed my posts that you just dig in and make up your mind it ain't gonna fly, so just whoever did it. I fear I know who that is now. Still, I am saying I was trying to be nice when I explained my problem, which seems to be all you can think of until I rot. Why be mad, tho? I feel something holding me back, otherwise, a well, and I think I know who it is, though I don't want anyone hurt. Why is this in my life? I have to post a lot so no one gets mad, to explain. I think my point is I was just talking about my problems. That's really all I did. I found out it was what you believed in, so I can't really care about it but am sad I didn't know of things like this in advance, which a lotta folks seem to harbour. I didn't "have" to do it. If I didn't have to do it and I wasn't adamant about that point in the end, then it shows it's just a trick. I'm talking about life, not poking at anyone. I think this is a true philosophy, I mean. I have to talk to someone, so I have been blogging about life. I didn't know it was "the button." Why does my dad's hatred keep getting in my way, too? We sometimes have a good time. He acted like he's the big thing to live for, when it's probably more for popularity and a multitude of individuals outside of one's own family, especially if one is trapped in a mixed race relationship and they themselves are well off. I just feel around every corner one thing will tick one off and it'll be over, for me.
TV
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
She seems to be doing well, in a way. She is like a machine in judging others, and it doesn't make sense to me. It's all based on that we wanna know her as a friend, but she doesn't seem to have any maybe other than her work and Mama and of course her partner. She seems attracted to new, young talent and someone in particular, Bella Thorne. I wonder why can't I be appealing to anyone? Why are people out there some of them always against me since Tim Burton became popular? I just worry for her own well-being. It's nothing that matters to me otherwise, in ways. I bet if I could live alone, things would be nicer. I think she just wants a break. A break from people like me. She should enjoy her show. It's partly about and for her.. well about her and for others! LOL.. she should be noticing people. If this were the 80s, it would work out. She is actually saying she notices people who get into her audience, which are probably mostly within driving distance, apparently. There are a lotta nice older people out there, but she's up holding her own. Maybe, I should forget about her and assume she is hopeless or this is hopeless.. :/ I have enough to be concerned about in the time I have. I can't sit here and worry about all these different things. The thing about Ellen is that life is not about sitting in front of the TV for me. I'm a performer and liver. People are going out and thinking performing is the answer, but it's not. It's who you are and what good you do. True, you can still watch TV. It's just that sometimes it seems things won't make way for that. It's fun to watch her, still, nice all about her and how much others take joy in her. I have a feeling she's read my blog and got mad, and it shouldn't affect me, tho it does in some ways. I don't know why. I just wanted to post what I thought of her Tweets when I thought they were being tricky around me. I wasn't even being mean. People just think me saying it is getting back at a punishment I deserve. At least she gets mad before it could have gotten worse. I got better realizing that people chose to do what they do, and in the end it's gotta suck. As far as being mistreated, I just ignore it. Sometimes, I have to react, tho, sadly, still. I have to think something sometimes. It's just immature, tho, what I see these people do. I won't back down from that. I'm not threatening when I say that, oh wow. I don't like how there existed a consensus that it's about knowing my dad and not the other things I liked. I really don't feel close to him in certain ways, not that I'm not close at all but that there's some things where I'm at a distance. He finds I get close to others and goes cross-eyed. I wasn't really being mean, but I just was upset civilly. Now, it's too late for something that doesn't even matter that still bothers me. I know who to blame, too. This is just my blog. I was upset at other people and they were trying to be mean to me as protection to Ellen. Someone seems to just want to please the naughty people, and I mean that's their decision.. Naughty as in not nice in an uncool way. Like, it's right to be mean to me cuza that. I regret some of what I posted but cannot change all of it. See, part of the reason I went into saying what I said was to say things about what I thought about it. People keep getting back at me for things I did that weren't really bad. I kinda want her not to pay attention to me cuz it seems hard on her. As far as paying attention to others, I don't think they all deserve it more than me in a way. They're just lucky people are nice to them. I don't see how my civil reportings were taken so badly. I guess doing the right thing as an idea struck a nerve. Some people are just whittled down to nothing, as some think of me. They just please the crowd, and I don't give a *beep* So, she decides what things are now and that's just how they are. I can't do anything about it, even if I don't want to continue doing what I do. It does disturb me when people are mean to me. I can't always be writing it down. Sometimes, I put it off and forget or decide not to. Now, I think I'll just have to roll and inside not expect anything. If I were treated like everyone else, I'd be good now. I figured out another way to solve my problem, possibly. Still.. byes are sad but sometimes necessary, but I don't think other people are mature enough to her. I do care that others are happy, but they don't want it from me. People still bother me to do stuff, when they don't want me. I'm concerned she'll still give me attention. I also think she looks for fans to meet and I don't wanna be totally crossed off that list, like she's waiting for this and I never make it in anything or I die for some reason. I think she still is giving me attention, and I guess I can accept it. I am just waiting for other people to be as good as me. I said I would like her to read my blog each week cuz I could roll like that. As far as multiple days a week and her perking up to my knowledge each show, I feel sorry for her. My blogs could be more interesting. She doesn't really talk to me and sometimes is dodgy in what she does, which is fine. I'm just sad I went overboard, apparently. There's nothing to be excited about for me. I wanna be a singer and maybe have an internet show and act in films. I wanna be Christine Daae in ALW's The Phantom of the Opera before I am too old and will be busy with my heart in singing and not just latching onto her show. Really, my life is not to turn into a potato sitting on my sofa. Ellen, I think I love you. I am sorry I hurt you just by stating the truth. I don't really care about you.. jk. I mean, I forget, but I meant something over the obvious. I mean I don't care about you if you're mean. Maybe, you need love from somewhere else if not totally from those who give it to you at present.
She seems to be doing well, in a way. She is like a machine in judging others, and it doesn't make sense to me. It's all based on that we wanna know her as a friend, but she doesn't seem to have any maybe other than her work and Mama and of course her partner. She seems attracted to new, young talent and someone in particular, Bella Thorne. I wonder why can't I be appealing to anyone? Why are people out there some of them always against me since Tim Burton became popular? I just worry for her own well-being. It's nothing that matters to me otherwise, in ways. I bet if I could live alone, things would be nicer. I think she just wants a break. A break from people like me. She should enjoy her show. It's partly about and for her.. well about her and for others! LOL.. she should be noticing people. If this were the 80s, it would work out. She is actually saying she notices people who get into her audience, which are probably mostly within driving distance, apparently. There are a lotta nice older people out there, but she's up holding her own. Maybe, I should forget about her and assume she is hopeless or this is hopeless.. :/ I have enough to be concerned about in the time I have. I can't sit here and worry about all these different things. The thing about Ellen is that life is not about sitting in front of the TV for me. I'm a performer and liver. People are going out and thinking performing is the answer, but it's not. It's who you are and what good you do. True, you can still watch TV. It's just that sometimes it seems things won't make way for that. It's fun to watch her, still, nice all about her and how much others take joy in her. I have a feeling she's read my blog and got mad, and it shouldn't affect me, tho it does in some ways. I don't know why. I just wanted to post what I thought of her Tweets when I thought they were being tricky around me. I wasn't even being mean. People just think me saying it is getting back at a punishment I deserve. At least she gets mad before it could have gotten worse. I got better realizing that people chose to do what they do, and in the end it's gotta suck. As far as being mistreated, I just ignore it. Sometimes, I have to react, tho, sadly, still. I have to think something sometimes. It's just immature, tho, what I see these people do. I won't back down from that. I'm not threatening when I say that, oh wow. I don't like how there existed a consensus that it's about knowing my dad and not the other things I liked. I really don't feel close to him in certain ways, not that I'm not close at all but that there's some things where I'm at a distance. He finds I get close to others and goes cross-eyed. I wasn't really being mean, but I just was upset civilly. Now, it's too late for something that doesn't even matter that still bothers me. I know who to blame, too. This is just my blog. I was upset at other people and they were trying to be mean to me as protection to Ellen. Someone seems to just want to please the naughty people, and I mean that's their decision.. Naughty as in not nice in an uncool way. Like, it's right to be mean to me cuza that. I regret some of what I posted but cannot change all of it. See, part of the reason I went into saying what I said was to say things about what I thought about it. People keep getting back at me for things I did that weren't really bad. I kinda want her not to pay attention to me cuz it seems hard on her. As far as paying attention to others, I don't think they all deserve it more than me in a way. They're just lucky people are nice to them. I don't see how my civil reportings were taken so badly. I guess doing the right thing as an idea struck a nerve. Some people are just whittled down to nothing, as some think of me. They just please the crowd, and I don't give a *beep* So, she decides what things are now and that's just how they are. I can't do anything about it, even if I don't want to continue doing what I do. It does disturb me when people are mean to me. I can't always be writing it down. Sometimes, I put it off and forget or decide not to. Now, I think I'll just have to roll and inside not expect anything. If I were treated like everyone else, I'd be good now. I figured out another way to solve my problem, possibly. Still.. byes are sad but sometimes necessary, but I don't think other people are mature enough to her. I do care that others are happy, but they don't want it from me. People still bother me to do stuff, when they don't want me. I'm concerned she'll still give me attention. I also think she looks for fans to meet and I don't wanna be totally crossed off that list, like she's waiting for this and I never make it in anything or I die for some reason. I think she still is giving me attention, and I guess I can accept it. I am just waiting for other people to be as good as me. I said I would like her to read my blog each week cuz I could roll like that. As far as multiple days a week and her perking up to my knowledge each show, I feel sorry for her. My blogs could be more interesting. She doesn't really talk to me and sometimes is dodgy in what she does, which is fine. I'm just sad I went overboard, apparently. There's nothing to be excited about for me. I wanna be a singer and maybe have an internet show and act in films. I wanna be Christine Daae in ALW's The Phantom of the Opera before I am too old and will be busy with my heart in singing and not just latching onto her show. Really, my life is not to turn into a potato sitting on my sofa. Ellen, I think I love you. I am sorry I hurt you just by stating the truth. I don't really care about you.. jk. I mean, I forget, but I meant something over the obvious. I mean I don't care about you if you're mean. Maybe, you need love from somewhere else if not totally from those who give it to you at present.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)