I went to mass this evening and got home by bus. It was an exciting mass, contemporary music too I sang in plainsong. I'm going to 2 masses tomorrow morning! Wonder what we will sing!
Well, exciting now I record myself singing better, better technology usage.
It's funny people acted like they served me dinner on a silver platter only to throw me to the streets socially. Don't act like that didn't just happen, amidst other big things happening out there. People will say this is the biggest accomplishment yet in history, whereas before it was Late Boomers being born into the world. "You mean, they're still alive!" Yes! Just a funny catch phrase that came to mind realizing how cool it is that we're talking about it and it's actually people who exist in history in important things today. Baby Boomers encompass the 1950s it seems now. Late Boomers are most popular treats. Their families probably have all the fun. It's funny how suddenly it's all about families. That's definitely not what it's about for me. I wanted to meet people I both am and am not related to. It's hard having 1/2 Asian blood, but I like my mom. It's hard just having a Caucasian dad. I don't know if anyone likes me.
Yea, so people acted like I should be glorified for some reason before, and I tried to say I wasn't good enough it feels or that I don't think they want to do that. Now, I'm nothing, like they had it planned all along. I'm not even nor mean. I only feel sad and upset on the inside and eventually soon the outside when people deny me my rights as a human being to be able to live and prosper in the world and socially, not to feel bumped around for something I did that's past and forgotten. I don't get it. I just see people think I'm an issue. They want me not to exist and end my life, like I'm just a deed to be done and k***ed for fun. I want more than what people will let me have or think they have to do to ruin my life.
Like, before, people are telling me I need all this stuff socially that I don't. Now, I'm called bad.
I hate to break to to you, but I think the reason I get what I do is because I am well-behaved and normal, tho some people may disagree. Also, I call it being experimented on cuz I'm not all that amazing and awesome as others and how I could be. So, that's what you'll get from me, tho I feel I was a lot better off on my own accord cuz I wasn't in trouble for believing weird things that are unspoken. I feel bumped out of family. It is devastating and for some reason re-enters my life.
Hey, I was looking at this star and wondering why people think we should respect Nazis for being white. I respect the Jews that got killed. I know people always respect white people, tho, and if you're not all white think when you're good and cool it's to be shunned as nothing. Also, if you say you like Germany, they think you're just a worshipper of Hitler. In the mid-2000s, "kids" sat slumped over as adults said their kids all say they're worse than Hitler. How gifted and brilliant, but that implies there's something wrong with me and not them. That's not how things were before for me.
I am glad that some people are adventurous and actually talk to me and don't mind getting "the attention.." I think people in my life are being monitored, but I wonder who else out there is like me. I can't tell like I can tell myself out there for some reason, which I do not ask unless truly just interested in something for yourself a bit or how much you are interested, which I don't know why.
You know, I was right. This person I know is important. People shower them with "stimulation" of a sensual nature in a way that was considered inappropriate. They didn't listen. Now, I am guessing the person has been knocked out and is having to hide.
About now, I think of something from "The Little Prince." Highlight for spoilers from book and movie:
He is a little boy from outer space, and he meets a pilot. He has a speech about how special his flower is. In the end, he wants to die. A snake bites. It reminds me of the forbidden fruit. I actually sang the song the flower sings. The prince asks the pilot to draw him a sheep. He had visited a lot of planets. The sheep is drawn in a box, so it won't eat the flower.
I am a bit confused. I don't see how what people out there are doing is exactly correct to "stimulate" someone I look up to in a sensual, suggestive way. I can just see they did it to hurt me cuz they're mad I cursed about Ellen DeGeneres putting hurtful, illegal noises in my room. No one said, "It's okay, Christina." Either, I was to figure to cope and have fun or it's a punishment too now. I mean, I feel so trashy myself in many ways and like I can't stimulate myself properly. I can see how someone I look up to deserves to be treated well. I guess the world decided it takes effort for people to be stimulated and they did it to this person for a wrong reason in this way.. to take away the leadership they once had and a love for me that is affected by them, to be used as a toy for sexual pleasure for who knows who.. the way you feel when someone you look up to is just a baby but feels more than you in some unlabeled way. The only argument of that is that I get cranky too often or only I should be it agreed to not express anger physically even if in a normal way in private in my room at home. So, they think that means it's the end for me. The person was involved, supposedly. Who knows who's involved! I don't. I wonder about people. I know you are to live more like a worker who is a good citizen and not be "me me me" I need everything and deserve social worship. So, then it's funny the commotion with this person and how people can focus with this going on. That means, not everyone is involved, maybe not the creme of the crop. I bet they messed the person up and that it could have been better like before in some ways. I think I do know, tho, that the person "doesn't have much" and lives in not always the most comfortable situations. So, they are looking for things like this, and people have provided that someone they love is in trouble and they should therefore be rendered helpless in their love for me and it hurts, like losing a parent when you're still young, among other things if you get now that other things are very important. Parents are still there, but other things are, too, obviously. Before, I think life was more about family and sometimes other people. I don't know, but maybe it can be seen in that way. Let's think about it, tho, cuz work.. success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, they say. I did something that people saw as bad but wasn't. So, they go on and treat someone I look up to like they're (highlight for spoiler>) Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I think I have it, I didn't do anything bad to deserve this. I was upset and didn't ever get to think that Election Day was important other than that you have your vote ready. I don't think it was essentially I who caused the election not to be Hillary. Hm, I know my dad claims he cracks under public pressure about these things but also thinks his dad in Heaven wants him to beat me socially and in other weird ways, tho I just deal with it as I can. He also thinks his elderly mom puts pressure on him. I wonder why the person I look up to is the only one with problems, other than the idea that I like them a lot so why not. It should not all got one person. I feel I came and I went. I was supposed to get something, not lose something. This isn't an adventure. I got kicked out altogether from what I liked in college in music, no 2nd chance, and they just said I was too shy to teach music and sing.. 2005, 11 years ago. I've already summed up my life once again for success. I think the movies are not all that's success, but we're getting older. Movie stars don't meet enough people, apparently. I'm not mad at the experiment for this and not at Ellen DeGeneres, tho I think she definitely caused it in a way maybe the person getting too much attention and stuff, like it's not right to be nice to me cuz I cursed at the hurtful, illegal noises she put in my room. It was there for a long time. So, what happened to the person I look up to? Did they decide it was not the program to.. Are they still at adult? I'm not asking for actual things but more ideas of philosophy, not like yea they're feeling youthful now. Just, what's the program? ..and how are we to look at things? If this weren't on Election Day, it wouldn't be like this. Maybe, that, and that I didn't really do anything bad would correct how to look at what is happening outside of just punishing me. No, I did not get special treatment on Election Day. I guess I am worried the person abandoned me most. I am also wondering if they are feeling ditzy and the magnitude and specifics kinda hurt me more than most anything other than that I'm comfortable and critical things. I have worse things in my life. So, like, the person is strict and maybe thinks it's over, but oh yes that's not what they said, tho so mostly am worried about them feeling different from before concerning their affection for me as a younger person and wondering if they lost it in some way that would rattle me. So, I'm not worried about much.
I need to go to bed soon cuz I am excited about the 2 morning masses. I have slept substantially some this week so should be okay. Sometimes, being awake is the right thing to do.
Also, people are under the false belief I can just forget about anything but pleasure, but that is definitely not the case. I get rattled and I can't always find happy things to come to mind. I in fact was just addressing something to do with this point.
Apologies for several things maybe I should not mention. Passing thoughts under some bad influence. I am beat socially so much and I mean people just won't take what happens in my head, like I have something wrong with me. I know, I know, they don't care 100% about apologies. I don't know if it's just me or that other people would get away with things if I didn't live like this.
Huh, I said a lot but to no point. I'll try:
(1) I am worried about the person I look up to being "stimulated" in a certain way, thinking it's because Ellen DeGeneres said to do for 2 reasons, to punish me and because it can be seen as destiny. I am worried I lost them for being imperfect and if it got to their head.
I should go on and say other things but am getting tired to express myself in writing the story or something.
I think the answer is yes it's partly because of Ellen DeGeneres but maybe not this much. The other 2 things, I think I definitely lost something in the relationship and no I don't think it had to get to their head.
I know people used to make loud noises that bother me, but I mean are they wired up to be stimulated this way? It's not important if they care about me but that they're okay because maybe they're also hurt, like psychologically/psychiatrically.
I guess I am wondering if they are checking out of life or retiring, too, because of this. That would also disturb me if this is why because it's like they were literally taken from me. I see things that way. I have been already and have something big I think of like this, that when people say I'm not good enough when I met someone prestigious and they're getting in my business and trying to socially beat at me for it.. they're just taking away something good someone good got that they need, see what I'm saying? You can't just take away everything from me.
Well, okay, nite!