Dear Dr. Phil Show,
I made a list of things that have bothered me and led to being treated the way I am today.
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MY POINT
•BEFORE: used to always be caled shy, sweet, and smart and Miss Perfect
•AFTER: now have accumulated a strange case of guilt in my more recent past that other people seem to sense and hate me for today
RACE (ETHNICITIES)
•BEFORE: used to be treated with care but felt left out still
•AFTER: mercilessly treated like I'm not white racially
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GUILT AND PROBLEMS ACCUMULATED THRU MY LIFE
This may be what people tap into when they express dislike..
•FORGETTING TO WRITE (maybe age 9) I forgot to write back my cousin until I was about 25.
•SPEAKING OUT (age 9) The music teacher's daughter got glasses. Before I could control it what came out was, "I'd rather go blind than wear glasses." I thought people who were blind seemed more romantic. I said sorry PMing on Facebook when I was about 25, and she said, "No worries."
•SPEAKING OUT (age 11) I saw my brother's 1st grade class on their way to music, and I said hi. The teacher didn't say to stop but seemed to think it was iffy. It made me feel I did not know how to control myself anyway in my subconscious.
•SPEAKING OUT (age 11) When my dad came home from work, I'd say, "Oh, no," for about a week until my mom said to stop in private. My dad never asked why. I didn't finish my homework and wanted time to be with him. It was a joke and I wanted to see him react, but in a way I think it just came out. I did not mean to be mean. I made up reasons for why I did it tho I didn't want to, I bet. The funny thing is I stayed up til past 1 doing homework when I moved and started to slow down around then, as well, tho I still made the grade.
•LOST MY 4.0 AND HOSPITALIZED (age 16) I never had lecture and reading history classes until American History AP/G in 11th grade. I was calld to the counselor after I know I lost my 4.0, and going during classes made the other A's drop. At Chrsitmas Eve, I was curled up in a ball in my room and partly I know for that reason went to the mental hospital on New Year's Eve. I said not to give me medicine before my parents left me, but they lied. I got diagonsed with nothing but to take some schizophrenia pills for awhile.
•KICKED OUT OF MY COLLEGE MAJOR (age 19) They said I was too shy. They wasted time in class so much I didn't memorize my piano piece, and I feel wary of that being the real reason, which they could get in trouble for I bet. My major was Vocal and Instrumental Music Education. I know I was in the library fo r a new required Music History class, an intro class, like 2 or 3 times a week. That's where the practice time went each day.
•MY LIFE AS AN EXPERIMENT (age 19) After I was kicked out of my major, as well as the singing lesson course, people acted like a singing teacher was watching me in private via little cameras. I wold get messages from others from her, like in the clothes they wore. I heard ticks in my room. I do now, too. In the end, I figured it was an experiment before. I never once then thought it had anything to do with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory alone that I remember well enough, and the magnitude of that thought didn't cross my mind that I can remember clearly. So, it was not a big issue. Anyway, that's what was big at the time, like I heard Pirates of the Caribbean was and knew about Star Wars and that it has a strong fanbase. I was supposed to be some pretty girl with gold hair and find my real family which would be more like the norm with me a the baby and I was really 16 and not 19. After that, it got even bigger. Hurricane Katrina hit, and I moved to college up north that semester, near Cleveland, Ohio.
•MAGIC OR ALIEN COMMUNICATION (mostly age 19) I started to hear talking to me from way out in the open outside and when inside sometimes, as well. Some of the things that happened I thought were aliens, but I thought it was just life, if not me hearing things. I heard like a cartoon devil inside like he was sucking milk from me. I can't remember what the voices outside said. I know I heard a little girl who was supposed to be my youngest of 8 kids chattering her teeth like she was cold. I heard a little black guy with slanted cross eyes with blue instead of the white saying, "I'll save you from falling down, Christina! I'll save you from falling up!" I heard a lot of things I can't remember. Also, there was like a wheezing distant noise, kinda bubbly and probably wet say, "How can I help you?" My back turned to Jello, but I didn't tell anyone until at least like 5 years later, when they didn't care. I couldn't reach a phone and my roommate was gone. I was in bed 3 days and having to pee but couldn't. I imagined there were creatures around me. Before, I lay in bed once and I felt my right forearm grew a foot and back in a minute. It hurt then, but I felt better later. There were blood drops on both armpits, one for a week. I developed strange smells, too. In the laundry room, I saw a huge mechanical bug crawl and go into the floor. That, I thought, was alien life. Things had spun out of control. I often heard other worldly footsteps and maybe doors closing atop my dorm room, where there was another, but it sounded like from another world. I was a very good person and it seemed like I deserved it, as would anyone I feel, to live with trust that there is an afterlife or another world and we are not flesh and bone. It all stopped when I could not pass a Music History test, gradually but sometimes resurfacing. I also saw a ghost as I was waking up in the night at my Gramma's when we were visiting before she moved down to Florida. It was a ee thru blue boy leaning over like an L saying about my mattress, "I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable." I sometimes saw black shadows for real, and as he disappeared, I saw a spiralling black mass exit the window. My Gramma lived in NY state.
•FLUNKED 8 SEMESTERS (age 19-26) I either failed or was withdrawn. Once, there were workers outside my room. I went into non-honors, and it was too hard, the reading and lecturing, which I never had in school before like that. I didn't seem to have much time, and my dorm was further away. Next semester, I tried again, a free semester from the hurricane semester being canceled. I heard suicidal noises in my ear a lot and would sprawl out lifeless on my dorm bed. I tried having to pick a major, Pre-Med Chemistry for Psychiatry. It was too hard and I came home. I took courses online, 18 credits, and failed.
•SPAMMED FRIENDS AND FAMILY (20/21) I used to keep e-mailing people about my life and my positive suggestions, even when they did not respond because I was in an environment where I thought for some reason I had nothing to do, forgot I could get a blog.
•STARTED ARGUING (20/21) I was upset that the ballet teacher's daughter, who was a few years younger, stopped talking to me like I wasn't the same race. It got me upset and I told her, nothing too bad and no cursing. I felt distraught.
•KICKED OUT OF JOHNNY DEPP GROUPS ONLINE (21) I used to talk a lot and they would get mad at me and I'd get kicked out. On IMDb, I think they were secretly racist and discriminating of when I started posting there later.
•USED STORE CARDS (22) My parents said it was too much to pay back with my allowance, tho I am now on SSI.
•WAS TOLD TO CALL SOMEONE THE N WORD (age 23) I thought Tim Burton went online and was calling me not white/Caucasian like other people. I thought since how he treated his daughter, who was part Jew, and signals that I was to call her the N word to make it seem more friendly, so I ended up doing it. Now, especially because of the nuances found in Pirates of the Caribbean 4, everyone knows and people were mean to me for that for awhile.
•HOSPITALIZED IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL (age 23) I threw some things, and my mom seemed to be insulting me in secret message. My dad said to call 911. I was taken there for a month and the doctor said because I took pills for schizophrenia before that that's what I had, along with bipolar and Aspergers Autism.
•IN TROUBLE WITH ELLEN DEGENERES (age 25) I want to get out of being in trouble with Ellen. She was nice, but then she put annoying noises in my room and affected how the pages on my computer load. They were insulting and hurt, so I cursed about it, trying not to curse about her but ended up cursing about my dad instead because I almost cursed more to her. So, I'm in trouble for something she started. I was cursing about pain mostly. I didn't try to get nasty an detailed to anyone.
•KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL (COMMUNITY COLLEGE) (age 26) I took 3 theater classes in a row from a teacher I liked who taught speaking here at Disney since the 1980s. The class would tap in and annoy me and so would she at least eventually. I left the room once to tell the counselors how I felt. They didn't do anything other than talk. Sometimes, in class I had gotten up and left to get away from them somewhere else in the room. Once, the teacher ripped my paper with a pen and when she bothered me, I did it, too. She told me not to leave the room like I did that one time. Once I kicked 2 boys's chairs but not to hurt them. The teacher never said anything about that stuff. I found myself at the counselor. I was told the teacher said I went to the bathroom too much. Therefore, they kicked me out. I was very upset. My mom took me to my therapist. I called the police on them kicking me out just because they felt like it. I was taken back to the mental hospital and put on medicine again. This time, if I lived at home, I had to be on medicine.
•SICK MOM (age 28) She cannot see out of 1 eye and has breast and bone cancer but is a survivor. I thought Ellen made her wear glasses and got upset and thought she was an adult so said not meaning to sound mean but maybe just using the word that she was masturbating in pleasure over giving my mom glasses. I finally went to delete it and it was gone. I am worried that is 1 reason why. It is like why didn't it happen to me? Why do different people deserve or not deserve things due to those they know making them look bad and being supposedly bad to others?
•WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THE WORLD DOES (age 28) I was suspicious that people were actively getting people killed, like Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Robin Williams, Brittany Murphy, Maya Angelou, more, and non-famous people. I don't know what group of people.
•OTHER - Once I posted that I thought Jim Carrey knew I posted my brother's pictures online without consent/being allowed because I was confused, and I thought it made him uncomfortable what he did to notice. Now, Jim Carrey has 1 partially fake front tooth.
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TREATMENT WORRIES
•The mental hospitals I went to were very bad in Orando. In New Orleans, I was let go without saying I had any problems. I don't believe I have any problems as far as a mental illness goes. If I act shy or coy, that's just people jealous of my personality and getting attention for being shy and cute.
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If you would like more info, here is a site I made for the Dr. Phil Show: http://christinabarrett4.wix.com/drphil.
Also, I've been watching the show and participating online every day for about 2 months.
Thank you so much!
Sincerely,
Christina Barrett