More

Another big thing was the internet.  I kept e-mailing friends and family tho they stopped e-mailing me and now I lost all my relationships.  It was tips and things and saying I was finishing the last thought and apologizing for the spam.  I finally got on other sites more and eventually the IMDb message boards and blogging.  I got really mad at someone who likes me and now he doesn't talk to me but seems to wanna.  Lotta people said I wasn't white racially, and I'd hit my wall if something happened, like a trigger response.  I just kept punching holes in the walls thinking it would get them back.  That's insane.  That does nothing.  I feel bad cuz my dad had to plaster it up while I was at the mental hospital.  This went on a long time, maybe about a  year.  Lotta people when I was online wold act like I spammed in being detailed and kick me out of Johnny Depp message boards.  I was even banned from IMDb a few times for no reason.  This went on a long time.  I was called an idiot.  My name was Miss-Fastidious, and they said I was Fastidiot.  I was trapped in my room, kicked outta school on a break to catch up on much needed rest, and this is my only outlet, not even seeing my family, and I experienced constant hatred like this online for years.  Now, I just can't get anyone to comment on my blog in my forum.  It seems like the years wasted away from when I got on at 21, all mesmerized by Tim Burton and Johnny Depp thinking I'd be discovered or find my way starring in a movie.  I even lost my singing voice, how good it was.  I thought that'd help with the acting.  Now, I'm 28.  I was kicked outta my college majors when I was 19 and left at 20.  The medicine used to put me to sleep more.  Since I started getting out more, I can stay awake longer and have a better attention span.  Things might have turned out okay if I didn't curse on my blog, about the noises and when my dad made me mad.  Lotta times I'd bleep out the bad words, but you'd know they were there.  I'm sure I've slipped, at least with my dad, and said something.. but I don't think it was ever at him directly and openly.  I skirted around those situations.  I was mad, in general.  I bet more people made me mad, as I have said.  I feel the magic of what was promised to me is gone, too.  This happened way, long before the cursing for like a year or a year and a half.  I was cursing about the noises in my room that sent secret messages somehow in how they sounded that bothered me and hurt me and still do, tho I stopped cursing about it.  I made it a point not to curse anyone out specifically.