Is it ever wrong to give to someone? What if there was a reason for someone to have given something to you?
I dunno if you know what's going on in my head as far as looking for a situation goes. I should and do feel like I am unworthy and bow at the feet of those who gave to me. I just don't understand how since people started spying and experimenting on me watching me in my room .. that my life went down the drain.
Whose business is it to say I didn't ever earn anything I had in my life before? I hardly had a chance to feel I deserved to live in a way, rather than just die and no one would care about someone like me ever before. Like, I lost my feeling I had a cool personality and people to be there to talk with. Those friends are not slaves, but they could kindly excuse themselves rather than abandon me and be rude, like I did something to each of them that was really deliberately done.
I know one friend said to go away rudely, and I was so shocked I didn't leave and wanted to see if she was kidding.. but I was confused. One girl made me uncomfortable for some reason saying she had glasses like she wanted someone to say something big, and it just sorta came out, "I'd rather go blind than wear glasses." I figured being blind was a holy sacrifice, but I didn't really think that way. So, I dunno, if what I did was really unforgivable. I was also a new student and shy and somewhat unaccepted racially, tho I actually made it there, had a fairly good life, very good in many ways, and some friends. You know?
I'm sorry if my thoughts wandered into dangerous waters for others in this entry.
I keep feeling like I'm being tossed around by people in charge of spying on me, like people are telling me it's great and to expect it to be great cuz I'm smart or something .. and then I get fought for no reason, like I'm some pig in the dirt. People won't forgive me for some weird situations I was in, none totally bad in truth.