I already said I don't mind if Ellen DeGeneres wants to feel something cuz she was so giving I thought of when I said this. Now, it's like it's suggested people my age are too old to be the age of what age her kids would be, but she kinda thinks people who seem like her kids are cool.
If I don't even care if she feels whatever she feels for herself, why would I be presented as a problem?
I feel like people are telling me I'm doing all these things I'm not/didn't in certain ways. I might just be out with people. They forget how hard it is for me with some people.
I can tell older adults are just mean cuz I know a lot of them are wrong cuz they seem mean to hide insecurities. Like, when I do something I don't know is wrong and someone else does, then they do something wrong back they know. I think we were raised to think whatever, the world raised us that way.
People reserve themselves for certain kinds of people, and I feel they don't see the clock of life ticking for other things to happen to other people.
I notice Tim Burton is more casual than Ellen DeGeneres. I'm more like Ellen DeGeneres in that way but give it to the people, tho I don't say Tim Burton being casual is "better" than Ellen. That sounds dyslexic.
Seems I'm just going thru things and have wrote what I could. I could just sit here and say sorry in different ways, too. I wonder if people like me cuz there's something to criticize.
About Ellen's feelings, I said whatever she wants. I just feel that other people were involved telling me I'm in trouble. I think it was more than Ellen's feelings and doings. She could have been influenced. I mean, she can do whatever she wants, not what I nor others tell her necessarily.
Am I sad? I'm devastated about being cursed. I don't "need" certain things. I don't "deserve" certain things now. I might deserve a shot at life like others procrastinate about. Sad.. just like my record of flawlessness is gone. I used to deserve what I finally don't get.
Did you know they are starting to take away something big from me every time they want to play easy street and say I messed up just to have something to make them look powerful? I don't know if they're mad at something I did in this case. It seems due its cause.
I 1st kinda went crazy when they kicked me out of my college major for being shy or secretly doing bad at something.. or maybe cuz I was in the gym for 1/2 hour, tho I don't know how cuz I didn't see them there. I just felt suggestively hurt. I failed to function in my given environment. They were failures to me. I ended up like this in the end, too, more obese. I can't be young at all in college. I am having a hard time feeling I deserve to be an actress and can't seem to host a show.
I do feel framed and set up for failure. Even what I said yesterday in an emotional crisis was purposely taken the wrong way. Maybe, they don't want me to win and they just go from there but like that just for me. Well, it's over, but life isn't. Sure, I went thru something and could have been nicer. I did freak, like I did when I was dysfunctional over being kicked outta my college major.
It's like I didn't belong anywhere, neither down lo nor up high, suggestive about my intelligence and how I wished to use it. They'd see me a janitor before my college major, no offense to that wonderful position. People here in the end, no offense, see me as okay driving a dump truck. They're delusional. I realize it's okay, but there is a reason that won't happen, probably.
I'm just really sorry if I'm inadequate, but I feel some people are overly picky. Why am I set to say yes I accept that compliment if it's, "Christina you're in trouble." Aren't I supposed to be or possibly later/now get out of thinking about when I was in trouble? Other people are not followed like this to be Mr. or Ms. Perfect. I am taking pills to not feel cute and dainty. They want me not to be "paranoid." The world sure has lost a lot of concerned individuals. I'm not sure what the problem is in a more sane explanation. Don't take this in a bad way cuz that's not what I was thinking. I dunno if I can get any help. I just saw my therapist today. We talked about Disney World for, like, 1/2 hour. She won't talk about these things, I think. She won't believe it.
Why isn't there some thing for me to work on to be a good citizen? I don't belong in prison, literally. I'm staying off the streets.
Well, you must be sick of sorry, I said it once here.
Well.. I do need to figure myself out myself. Hm.. I should think. I cannot change the past but can be sorry for what I did by accident and change the future. Basic things like not cursing in my head are good. Not being mean, etc. I feel I know this stuff, yes. I just forget upset. I feel I'm on overload with this that I need to stop talking about it. Strange. I should do something good for my blog.
Well, okay at that for now as it's time to hit the hay or fall into sleep.