Some of this is a secret.
So, I got upset that Bella Thorne is openly loved by all cuz the world hates me. Even people I meet bring her up. I have no problems with her especially. I just feel she got popular by bargaining she would be reserved to others's needs as a promise but once in power was used as a tool by Ellen DeGeneres to punish me for a trick/harming me annoyingly and me getting mad etc., cursing.
I flat out found someone I simply like a lot, and it's not private but public. I was upset it became all for Bella, like I'm chopped liver. They have 2 ways to go from here, that Bella has the same hair color and compared to others it's just for Bella to "get it out" and NOT to "get serious." I mean, who does this person even know? Probably no youth. Why see just Bella sees her cuz they have the same hair color? Red hair? You'd go to Ireland and find that a lot, except I notice they have freckles. What else do they have in common physically? Is it love or just an excuse to annoy people? You had your turn! I'm not particularly mad at Bella, I'm just speaking in general in English. If you have so many people in a situation or group, would you pair every fair non-freckled person together? I see it's special, tho. It's just that I would not mind other people sharing one person. Why don't I get to have more fun?! Bella has the support of the world and an okay with the attractive "adults" in it.
What else? I did kinda realize I should not think badly of anyone. I was simply upset or simply am at least now thinking back that the public approves of Bella Thorne getting the respect I earned and not and "instead of" me. That's something Ellen did. Johnny did something, too. They're all racist, supposedly wanna be in their way.
I think further and realize that someone else is putting Bella Thorne in front of me.
Okay, I'm distracted. Bella is pretty, obviously, and part of the reason might go along with why she's rich. Planes every month, free food, hotels, living it large, like we wanted to but didn't get. In fact, my family got poorer. You must know what that would mean. If you compare me to other poor people, I'm doing good. I'm well-kempt. I trim my nails every other day and paint them sometimes every night. I shower once or twice a day. I'd been brushing my teeth more than twice a day. My clothes aren't trashy. I went on sabbatical, a bit longer than I'd like, to care for my health possible restoration. I comb and wash my hair. I practice a hobby or so. I calculate my future life tho it passed me by. I don't waste myself away being a hosed out goof and appear intently intellectual.
It wouldn't had taken much for me to fluff up when I was skinny and prettier or nicer-looking if possible. I gained that weight, tho! It looks like my life was thrown out by accident.
Disclaimer: I don't mean anything against anyone. After all, with people in general even, these things do happen.
I just don't have this all down in my head. I have something else bothering me. Maybe, I can find something else to take up brain space that isn't being shoved a "no" for something.
Oh, I didn't say what I meant about Bella being in front of me. I don't need someone like her telling me that I'm too nervous to stand for myself. Does she need me to foil her cuz I'm kinda cool and it would make her feel elated? I mean if someone cool were put down standing by her, saying she is better in all these ways.
What I mean is, I realized that.. and I mean that's not up to me. No one really calls me ugly, you know, just some silly people online. I can't quite put my finger on what is wrong besides me being in trouble for no reason.
Let me also say that my hair is not always dark and being 1/2 Chinese sure makes being a lighter brunette a lot harder. I think I don't wanna mirror myself to all white people who have dark hair. So, I hope it's not something like my hair that's the issue for disliking me.
You know, I may be stupid, but I think Bella Thorne is likeable to me. Even if she listens to Ellen DeGeneres and the world to be harsh on people like me, she also confuses me as to why she bothers with someone such as me. I don't like being put down. People used to always say I put myself down too much. So, I'd like to think tho on Twitter the people I follow that my responses are nice or smart. I should be talking to people who are like me, possibly not famous yet but attractive and conscientious about looks and well-being.
So, in the end, I'm still left wondering why people use any excuse to get at me but not for themselves. I guess I must have pushed a button, but how was I supposed to know? Why am I considered so badly? I didn't tell anyone they had to do anything. You're supposed to figure things out, not just give simple orders. I know I have enjoyed, but that doesn't make me someone to bark at and be put down by many a lot. I can't get back my identity from someone I'm seeing. I get something that isn't me, another reason to want to go back off to college if possible.
If pressing a button, to whomever involved, is so bad.. well.. I guess that was bad, but it's funny when you don't know you did something differently that was bad. Can anyone uninvolved/interested explain that to me? Do I have to go around thinking something I don't know about?? It doesn't matter, right? I wasn't supposed to be doing this, anyway.. but wait, other people seem more welcome from the start. Because of that, I still have more feelings about maybe what else is going on, things other than this of which I am thinking.
I simply have had ideas hit me. I did not mean I support them.
Why do I have to feel apologetic about who I am, tho? Do I not get a place in the game of life with any race of people or species of animal? Please don't make fun of my dad if you don't have to. I realize he's heavier than me. I do feel that people are using me as a toy, saying I have the flaws of my parents, but I don't. Immature kids try to pose as being like their parents. Honestly, I had 1 friend who acted like I was wrong because of "who her parents are." I wasn't wrong. Are you just gonna dig into my private life and say that person know I've had some bumps along the road I didn't even talk about to them?
Okay, I don't mean anything bad against anyone. If you have a problem, get to IM me or post online about it. See if we can fix the problem.
I just noticed, I seemed to be making fun of parents, after my dad was made vulnerable in my talking. Something to have on the back burner of this post. I like people and want what's best for them, like anyone would. I was trying to explain a topic.