I can't believe..

..how they dehumanize my Grandma.

Wanted to Call

I wanted to call my Grandma this morning, but I've been up all night.

Suggestion

I think my Gramma suggested from when I was young "just to get it out" that I was not European and that since my dad is older however much he is and whatever other reason that my mom can't take care of me.  My Gramma used to lift me as I ran across the road more times than I can remember.  I have a picture of my mom squatting with me standing holding my arm.  My mom thinks my Gramma is God to me.

Oh, and make me  upset so you think in attitude I talked back so that's why.  Yer not supposed to be giving me those messages.  How crafty.  I'm not living in fear of the unknown.

I can fall back and make it make sense, but I think it's sin.

Problems

Dr. Phil is fine in a lotta ways.  My dad said yea that I said he tries to look big, tho.  I like being powerful.  Keep up what is best for you, tho.  However that may be.  My Gramma and aunt used to be cool and big.

Well..

..like they think they're all that with their forceful moms..

Well

The word just came to me.  She won't stop.  My parents had fat moms.

Problem

My future daughter is being ruined!  I was thinking of something and my Gramma's weight came up.  You weirdos, I don't even "want my weight to come up."

Problem

I am being treated like nothing both in my experiment and with people and like I have to connect to my dad and grandma in thought.  They have a problem.  They are mean to me, and so are you.  I'm sorry if you didn't meet my grandma as a baby..  Maybe, I strive to be a better version of her, but I mean I'm not gay.  My dad honks on about how bad his mom is in thought.  It's some thing, everyone thought about it, thoughts above your head, suggestions about what you deserve..

Decisions Decisions

So, my parents are leaving tomorrow @ 4 to visit my grandma at my aunt's on the way to Gainesville until Wednesday.  I just am too tired to even visit..  I do want to see a movie I missed, maybe will see it in 2 weeks or pile up?

My brother is going to where he's going to college until Friday, I think..

Dream

It's hard to remember.  I was in this place.  I went on a ride, like in a big mall.  1st, we were eating something like slush, then something else, and maybe cotton candy.  We went to sit on the knee of a more gaunt but a bit blubbery yet more sharp lady, the little kids stayed, you know sorta stronger kids around age 4 maybe, but I told my brother to save me a space because I had to go to the bathroom.  I ran to this store and asked but didn't see it.  I ran and asked a handsome, quirky policeman, you know, like a guy from Atlanta.. and he told me to go to a certain corner, looked like a hotel with people coming from up north, but I didn't see it.  I ran back.

Then, I was about to audition and was thinking of Céline Dion, 2 pictures when she was little, and it made me think she was more like compiledly built then that she was hollow.  It made me get a sorta tingly shaped stimulated feeling and I couldn't get it back.  I don't know why.  I kept trying to think of it.  Then, I imagined it was my aunt whose lap I was on for a long time.  Her daughter was there.  I thought this was real becuase I wanted to m*********.  She just swept me over to another room and left me there, I guess so I could m*********.  I had a hard time.  I guess I woke up soon and realized it wasn't real.  I was hoping I was alone in this big hotel room with like a big, feathery goose bed.  It had different compartments jutting out and a big master bedroom.

Problem

Get my dad's bullshit outta here.. Supposedly he thinks my brother is a nigger offering for his sweet grandma. Don't tell me I'm not something, a nigger.

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**** My Dad

He ****ed Ginny. He has stupid pewrverted selfish backhanded bullshit with his mommy and thinks he's worth any shit like that nigger brat Ellen DeGeneres, who does mean things all the time.

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Where It Started

People were racist and suggestive to me, like not open, not admitting I had beautiful white, creamy skin.  Like, visitors, friends, Gramma, then my aunts I guess.  People are always acting like safety nets.

Facebook Post

To: http://www.facebook.com/ginny.kopf

OP: I'm working with several business clients who are having trouble with the V sound, as in "love, live, save, very..." (clients originally from Cuba, Costa Rica, India, Russia). The Spanish-speakers tend to make a BV combination, so "very" sounds like "berry." My Russian and Indian-speakers tend to make a VW combination, so V's are very light and W's as in "we'll" sounds like "veal."
I've had to be creative in my imagery to get them to say a strong V: "beaver with a chain saw," OR "chipmunk with a power drill"!
This comical image gets them to firmly put their top teeth to their bottom lip, with the friction needed to sound more like a V....!

ME: Wow, Ginny, that's really cool. :} I need to learn (how to) talk. xp http://cab1986orlfl16.blogspot.com/2013/02/20130210-1.html

Hm, you know what, that's funny, my brother went to Costa Rica for school and slid along a wire and I saw like all these pictures on his 'puter. ;D Do you like how I say "love?" :} When I sing, it sounds ro(a(h))ownd. I was so ecstatic I found out how to sing that and didn't know who fed that thought to me nor if it was coming because of what I was doing. 8(( :p ))8 I guess the Spanish speakers are more English-German, like not what some word that begins with an "f" like the Italians and French. That was nice, Ginny, why are you so plebian, why didn't you just say don't make all the "v's" "b's?" So, when I say "love," it sounds like https://www.google.com/search?q=louvre&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a. It sounds like a distant fairtale like an island in the north, like Holland or like maybe a bridge on Spain?? :/ I used to live on the bay. Saint Augustine? The nation's oldest and 2nd oldest continuing city. I was close to Ripley's, hm closer than the bay. What I was able to walk to was the old bookstore. There was a book in there I saw once with my mom of a mama cat, a big cat, carrying a very tiny toy-like baby.. xp Everyone like the song "Babes in Toyland??" I heard a good recording of it.. on AOL Radio maybe around 3 years ago? I tend to read a lot of fiction|fantasy and sci-fi is like scientifically or historically intriging. (sp??) Oh, so you had to be very creative! ;D You know, I don't know if the Indonesians had a related written language but do now and I find it to seem very like Eastern, you know, European. Hey, your dad is from Pennsylvania. You must be pretty funny. Guess you know about the farms on the hills. I went to Rock City Park lots of times..but my grandma never goes.. I love going there and wanted to live in Pittsburgh, or Philly... however haven't been since 15. :| Missed a summer of community theater, I just remembered because I worked somewhere, saw other YATS there later.. However, I aced community college in English and Appreciation in Art in the mornings, had a good summer, got a bigger role and 1 solo sentence singing in a play about a comic, "Li'l Abner," was not happy but learned something.. I'm not from there, but I was pretty mature when we moved. I didn't do a whole lot during the year, but my 1st year I got to do a monologue and it went well... ?: Talented Theater, the reading was hard to understand but had no problems memorizing though I had a hard time in school and was also in Talented Music. Russia, India, Spain. India is nice in an Asian way. You know, my mom isn't really Asian, just has ancient ancestors, you know 6-700 years ago though the Jews I found recently migrated 1500 years ago, the Middle Ages maybe, ... I'm going to ask you after class about because she wants you to help her with her English.. You know, she is also a fitness instructor, used to work at Disney in the mornings teaching yoga. She doesn't want me to share her website.. She'd love to know you. She taught at a business in the New Orleans are and tried desperately to promote her business in exercise and relaxation of the whole body.. :} You know, I think it's good to eat a lot, and for some reason I find I'm eating lots of things like liverwurst, hot dog, hamburger, some pizza.. I got kinda loaded of the beef and at school I guess eat healthy but not like organic tomatos. You know, she's told me stuff I didn't really want to think about, like in New Orleans to be a lifeguard.. and they work like 6|9 hours? and here to do the puppets at Disney..you know, I lost this YouTube years ago..of the Paris parade...? It's funny all I remember, too, is the lady at the beginning. Apparently, in France, they don't go around living Disney.. In New Orleans, it's hard to say it's magic. Things there are more like real, like there, not like some thing you can't do, you know? However =p New Orleans is French and you can't get outof it. So, Florida is all Spanish, and the Spanish want to go over to England.. New Orleans is like the big thing. People from there just don't live without that blessing. All I can say is the other good thing really is the Cleveland area because it's like the coldest place on earth. Not like absolute zero but like the chill is. Chicago might be as cold as where my aunt moved in Florida. I'm guessing anyone from other places have more culture, you know the country in Pennsylvania. People from places like Minnesota? Why is Orlando a circus place? I'm guessing it is, I mean, you know? I mean, I'm from Florida, and I've lived out of Florida, and I have a pretty good idea of what to look for.. I guess I could be a pretty good dancer but not like of an organized dance, maybe am not interested in ballet at the moment, gotta build more muscle. :|- It would be fun in theater, like since you're a vocalist or public orator, to do "Cats" .. bc (you know Andrew Lloyd Webber is for high schoolers.. except like JCS) to do "Cats" so we could dance in the trash! ;D I mean, it would be your kind of class, why not? I guess Valencia should do it, but you should be involved because you do those classes. Also, you know diction! So, I did gymnastics and reluctantly trotted along to begin ballet and was the best but not sharp and not acknowledged like by my mom. :| We had a serious teacher from France, but I guess she didn't have an accent. She moved to Atlanta to teach a college. I was sorta like spaced out, I guess, but I was always feeling like I wasn't very pretty with a huge head. However, otherwise, my head just felt kinda like empty. True, all my physical activity came from gymnastics. I actually did it, and I felt like an Olympian and considered it but finally decided not to, I guess. I guess we couldn't afford to go more, but I went up to 2 days. I also played there and got a lot out of other things I guess like a jungle gym somewhere called Explorations.. I was already pretty physical when we moved and found a place that did ballet, but I have to tell you something I moved and went in the middle of the year and saw kids from my class, 1 who waved who was popular, and they were in ballet at a dance studio with all kinds of things .. combination (jazz, .. tap, + lyrical) and apparently some of them started dance when they were 7.. It was the best studio but I think dance team was bigger, at the public schools. So, it looked very easy, but they were so stuck up + racist, I wasn't the 1.. so I got put in a shitty class with fat baby kids for 2½ years. My friend from Saint Augustine told me to move, and then I went to a school like Orlando City Ballet. It was good, but maybe I should have moved. It's just that I was already almost out of high school and busy, band, gymnastics, music school. I know we were allowed to go once a week or 6 times a week and the dancers there weren't good enough. I learned a lot in college and became pretty talented, better than everyone else when I returned. I got fat, not really tired of ballet but of not being allowed to do anything because I wasn't a full time ballerina. Others were successful before Katrina. Everyone left me there, too. You know, it's funny, in school I had a hard time finishing homework. I was at a Catholic school and didn't get in gifted. Now, I have a desire to major in History. In Florida, I guess the Science class was easier, but it wasn't good in the New Orleans area. You know, the book was easy and maybe the notes were good. I think it was Earth Science. Science in college other than Physics same as the labs in college were easy. I don't know why, but the only history I don't have trouble with other than memorizing lots of things are arts history. Honors history was easy at 1 college. I took a hard music history course somewhere else. I couldn't do AP history in high school because it would take me too long. It seemed it would ruined my future in the arts because I never read like that before. It was too many pages with small text, you know? It was just because it was AP, shouldn't have even been there or I guess should have had a separate Gifted class. I don't remember why, but I got like a 70% maybe on the 1st test. You know, Ginny, there really is a lot out there, should get into things like Europe in general: France, Germany .. other places and Italy. Ahh, guess I should go, for some reason I feel like I've come to some ending. That's probably a good thing, might watch my videos, do some hw or memorizing more,

Senile

Apparently, my grandma has gone senile.

She's flying in from Buffalo after the storm, in a week, I think.

More Recent Parents (Ancestors)

I wish I still had these pictures, not even sure where I got them, but I had attractive ancestors.  My dad's mom's mom, when she was little, while not pretty but not disgusting really, looked like sorta spunkily attractive and had a white blonde sister with straight short hair and a cute look with squinty eyes that seems a popular desire today, kinda more on the big side, cozying with this sister, strangely.. probably like a nice great aunt.  When she grew older, she looked similar, seemed a little naughty like some relatives, who probably would not be that way today..  She got a little older, and her hair was smooth and the way mine gets lighter was lighter and she looked Dutch.  She got a very think, nasal look.  I saw 1 picture from afar of her sitting on a rocker on her porch with some of her kids, 1 with white curly hair, and like putting out her arm, looking all smooth and pristine and perfect.  I'm not sure which side had the ancestor from I think SW NY state.  Hm, I only would know about a side that might be indian and Polish-Jewish and German-French-Swiss-Austrian-Leichtensteiner.  The other side is the Work side.  My dad's dad's side had more money and didn't live on a farm, were normal people.  There's nothing really wrong with the possibly indian side.  Except it was gold hair.  I feel that's why no one talks to me because I might be indian.  As for the Chinese side, I really don't know.  I think it's just a fact that wants to be glossed over.  I don't know though, I mean, I also just have 1 Chinese side.  It might mean I have like more than 1 indian side in some certain way.  As for being Jewish, I doubt my friends are Jewish unless they are very German.  I'm just guessing that I'm again being judged for who my dad is, but I think it's something about the blood that makes you feel like it's what makes you who you are and that as a European you're nothing.  I feel like I hide behind it, but you know I'm my own person and I feel that I'm more associated with my dad than my grandma and probably like her recent parents.

Parents on Siblings Respecting|Worth

What if my dad's youngest sister didn't like him?

Problem

I forgot to say something in my last post.  I was focusing on something else.

My grandma talked to me on the phone a year before turning the age my mom was when I existed..

Dream

I know what came up that I didn't have to think of was like seeing police on the side of the road.  In the end, I came up to a bookshop with a short, very fat lady, guess it reminds me of the state of health I was in when I moved here.  She told me never to go to this like gated off section of children's books.  Instead, I looked for another section she said I could look at facing the front in the back with adolescent books, which looked remotely interesting.  I saw a clever picture with a big bear but then 4 smiling like dogs that looked more like people, which were a bit smaller.  I think I was hiding.  I had  gotten out of my house.  I was mad I switched bodies with my cousin, though it was not a concrete idea.  She had a milky white body with like maybe bluish hair, and I was small and brown with brown eyes.  Her eyes are gold, like my aunt's husband's son's.  So, I had a sorta dreamy, surreal feeling and went outside and was worried about the police.  I was on a bed, maybe before, on the side, like a big, maybe white quilted bed.  In the end, I think I was walking.  Also, in my dream, I believe were family and extended family, like grandma maybe, maybe both aunts.  I wish I could remember before.  It felt like I was in a place where I could buy stuff.  There was a lot before.  I mainly remember a big segment, too, where I was in my cousin's body.  I felt like myself doing something else, like a Russian doll.  I was in a big, empty, sorta maybe house with a bluish tint, kinda like a haunted, gray dusty place, on the floor, feeling kinda weird.  There was a like tall kitchen counter where you could sit at like on a bar stool.  There was a place on the side and probably a big window covered with a plastic curtain.  There was a big kitchen.  I guess the arrangement mocked that of where I lived in the oldest continuing city.  I guess the bedrooms were in the same place, and the living room was behind us.  The neighborhood was similar.  We did live by a used bookstore.  I remember once I saw a book with a cat carrying a tiny cat who maybe was just waking up or opening its eyes.  It was so cute.  I was so upset I couldn't get my body back and progress, but my cousin was happy.

Going to Bed

I guess I'll go to bed, now.  Creepy night.  People hurting each other before they think.

Let me add, watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" every day and before talking to my grandma each night doing a Bible reading, I stayed up all day and didn't eat and just sang for YouTube.  I got off the phone, had just got my contacts, and suddenly my face wasn't as detailed.  What bothered me most was that something like that could happen to me.  I think that it's not safe in the world to enjoy things.  People just don't like that.  I don't know why we're programmed to turn off.  I am also mad that Ellen DeGeneres feels the need to get back at you thinking you did something wrong in your life just to be fair with everyone else, which I think is something that niggers do that is stupid, like me thinking that I was good to be happy about my contacts.  See, my face was like developing such acute, precise expression.  It was like something no one else did.  I mean, other people can do it if they want.  I don't really look up to niggers like that.