Dream

There may have been a presence of someone I like or who is very attractive.  I was waitig, we got to the end.  I went back and got my wallet.  I wanted baked goods, a little cupcake with a figure in frosting.  We almost got home, where I'd take a picture.  Some was missing.  They had offered me more as carrot cake on sale.  We were in line.  I had done something.  My brother threatened me and then gave me a little plastic bag of pistol things, more like old round  metal things, like the little pellet aliens put in people.  The wedding procession practice began.  I was supposed to sing.  I said I wanted to sing "Maria" from "The Sound of Music" in the end.  My mom, younger aunt, older aunt's husband, and dad were in this.  My mom was walking around awhile before.  My younger aunt was walking around too, enveloped in fashion opportunities.  My mom's hair was down with a crown, or band.  My older aunt's husband was next to me in line.  My dad gave a cackle action about me singing at the wedding.  It was more dark or in feeling.

Dream

I had 3 dreams.  I remember the last one I was at a hotel.  I was in charge of some kids at one moment, and we were to leave the next day.  Like my 1st dream, it seemed life threatening and I freaked to save them.  In the end I was with one woman.  I remember falling onto her iwth my legs and ws with her enough to say "Mom , help!"  There was a brief glimpse of my real mom on like a death bed.  No biggie.  The mom turned into like a teenager or what today is a young adult from the Ellen show.  Who I really felt the mom was tho was someone I just saw who never knew me also looking thru the eyes of all these people.  Someone gave us donuts, and I was able to taste them.  I made sure people got what they wanted.  The teen, who was tall. long, thin, and brunette wanted to kill the lady on the death bed for not giving me all chocolate covered.  In the end, after cooing her down and seeing a long string of not as good smaller chocolate donuts, I went to distribute them all like there was no enemy.  I saw a guy who was like involved in the program and he dipped is finger on one with chocolate and blue meat and chocolate syrup inside.  I was gonna take it but got the green one.  There were 3 left.

I left a war documentary on a few days ago.  I dreamed I was escaping.  I have been able to dream to the TV exactly as far as sound goes.  It feels the same as making up a dream.

How I Feel About Mom: I dunno, I think it was essentially the people who visit Ellen or no one wants to know if somthing else it seems.  Not sure what it should really be.  I mean, the immature young adult sticking up for me.  I was the one who had it together, in a way, as my personality.

My little brother knows her best.

I'm probably better for my mom than my dad is.

I realize I can't change the past but pray for my mom to be well.  Same for my dad??  Why doesn't he like the gym?  Too late?

Funny when my mom was Chinese my dad was effeminate.  Why not transfer to other people altogether?  Makes no difference.  I don't mean disown them, unless they become a social danger..

Wrong

My mom thinks she's at my service that I'm my dad.

They wouldn't prevent other Americans from reaching their dream, but they don't seem to have their ethnicities down.

No one can care about how I'm like my mom.  Then, I can't be compared to my dad.

How can I love my mom when there's nothing there?  She's my #1, but I can switch gears and say Ellen was and Phil is.  I don't know how things will be later, but my mom is a kind of #1 and dad #2.

Suggestion

I think my Gramma suggested from when I was young "just to get it out" that I was not European and that since my dad is older however much he is and whatever other reason that my mom can't take care of me.  My Gramma used to lift me as I ran across the road more times than I can remember.  I have a picture of my mom squatting with me standing holding my arm.  My mom thinks my Gramma is God to me.

Oh, and make me  upset so you think in attitude I talked back so that's why.  Yer not supposed to be giving me those messages.  How crafty.  I'm not living in fear of the unknown.

I can fall back and make it make sense, but I think it's sin.

Being Native American

I was thinking about being indian and that no one seems to innately know more than others about sorta lining the issues up about people with indian.  They would just pick like a baby doll as like a car model to shout out orders.  Like with me, people go in and say what you expect them to say about me.  No one ever has anything to offer me as a person.  They just know I'm related to an indian father and Dutch Chinese-Indonesian mother.  I'd have to say my mom is more white than my dad except that my dad possesses actual European traits from a Caucasian race.  I wonder if his mom had problems.  With her, the indian came from her dad, also, and none from her mom, tho her mom also had Ashkenazi Jewish I think.  I don't know why my dad has a harder time being indian than my mom has being Chinese, except I know it's easier to be all one ethnicity, like it's more attractive.  I bet a lotta mixed ethnicities without minor European ethnicities are part Native American indian or like Ashkenazi Jewish.

Boasting and Prostrating

There is a new thing where they want to stare me out of something and give someone else attention but rubbing it in over me.  I do not accept.  I know my mom did it.  If it's someone else's personal life, that's fine, then bye or bye for now.  It just seemed like a big project involving many people, how pathetic.  They keep bringing up someone over me.  It does not make me like anyone that much, tho, or makes me like them less, significantly.  It's just depressing.  I don't mean anything against anyone.  I'm just really disgusted.  They're still at me for shoving me around and making me think of a joke.  Whose fault is all this mess, my dad?  The people doing the experiment?  Someone's mis-logic?  Like these messages don't matter.  Like it's all "punishing" me for someone else?  What is the idea I don't deserve pity?  You can't all go and be on eggshells about it.  It's pathetic enough that someone would have to chose to work around it, but they do.

I think this drama about staring at me is not something I wanna deal with.  My mom did it.  If someone does it about themselves is a different story.

Okay, it was hard to write this.  If I post it might help from some remote corner of the world.  Again, if you don't want me around is okay, but this totalitarian drama is not at all invigorating.  I mean if someone else told someone else to "make a move" against me.

So, I don't mean anything bad in what I write.  I just am saying they gone too far and boss me around.  You know, I even believe it is someone I like doing it.  Well, that's just the way it is.  I chose not to fight that possibility.  It was disgusting when my mom said it for someone else.  It seemed like that someone else didn't do it, then.  I do believe it may be a group effort.  That's what I'm after.  The way they stare me off to totally get me off to give someone else attention does not even seem to be the situation to begin with.

Also, I see that they are trying to make me say something against my sick mom cuz I said I want them to leave my family alone yesterday.  I also don't accept that as a group effort against me.  If it's someone doing it, well that's just unfortunate to wanna diss my mom.  What bothered you about my family in particular?  You all have ya'll's families.  Ya'll are so meager in attitude.  What's up?

I think you all are just making stuff up, like shooting for saying it has to be someone else better than me.  This is all a joke, pretending I'm bad.

Um

-What's- wrong with my life?  I don't need to adjust myself for shit.  My stupid parents need to stop looking at me in secret code and secret coding leaving me messages that will jump at me years later.

What They Did

Apparently, my voice was taken from me, not by my mom not by my dad but someone in Orlando stole it so I couldn't use it.

Shower-Bath

I might lay in the tub..guess I got a bit to pack before I leave, gotta leave a note for money, asked my dad for the other cellphone case.  Gotta leave my mom a note about where I'm going for the audition, didn't get an e-mail back about where to go..don't think I'll be able to do a test trip unless I were awake Friday, may even need to read from a book, gotta record in case we're allowed to sing with music but don't think we could for sure, don't know what to do just will move for dance, may not model, may not do stand-up comedy unless I think about talking about quarters and white bread in jail, well and the chicken crossing the street light.  It's about people or er something in a store, I think the quarters begging for whaate bread, it's funny..  :|

Blogger Comment

To: Kalilyfornia

Message:

I started out in art, obviously, and took gymnastics for all my physical activity--with my mom to guide me in the aesthetics of the anatomical arts.

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I remember beautiful toddler music.

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At 5, I had a little baby boy in the fam and started ballet.

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In school, I watched and learned, in different places in Eastern Florida and as an adult moved to Orlando with my family.

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So, I moved to the New Orleans area, where you have to be French, whereas in Florida generally Spanish is offered, ... so, I was able to do ballet but not in a company and was also able to take theater in school along with like the gifted English, moved schools. I did community theater all through the years but never got in a major play, like when they did "The Wizard of Oz." They had a good girl from out-of-town I'd met a year younger. I think "Annie" really blowed over. A girl I knew from the Talented Theater program was actually one of the Annies.

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Drama courses, the reading is actually hard. The acting, like in college, the memorizing is new.

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Piano, when you get advanced and have other experiences in music (like you know singing-choir, a keyboard part in band,)

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I don't feel like reading but liked fiction and fantasy stories about animals and science fiction like 1 about poisonous plants, "Rappaccini's Daughter" by Nahtaniel Hawthorne, found it in a huge sci-fi encyclopedia, which was divided into 2 books, which is even Italian, so it's good infor. I just forgot what I was saying. I hope you've seen good old movies like "Logan's Run." Our TV hasn't been working there. Left my dad lots of notes. I also liked synesthesia, about things like matching colors and music notes ... mechanical hypnosis and mental disorders like schizophrenia in infants. Synesthesia is a big, broad topic, like psychology, based on matching colors with things, I think. I think it's about combining art and music or art and psychological things, like focusing on art at its base. Hey, I just realized that, cool eh? I'm not sure what I think I've been "reading." It seems like I'm into psychology. Maybe like if you made history of psychology.. ;D

GOD shut the faa ) ) )

GINNY KOPF YOU GODDAMN NIGGER SHUT UP DID YOU JUST DIS MY BF 2 you are just a robot.  We can say what we want about the nigger trash here, but we don't really want to talk to you about shit.

It'z bc she wanted 2 took Chi neez.

WARNING

I popped my head up and told Ginny Kopf don't go to Lakeside, well she told me her X was there.. she seemed to know.  The mental hospital in New Orleans was fun, but I wasn't from there and I was tired and bloating but not obese otherwise..  So, no, it wasn't fun, but it was a nice place, in a way.  It was rather funny.  There was a poster child for abortion.  Everyone committed suicide.  My mom took me away from a counselor who asked me if I did.  The only good things about going the times I did was I learned to not do things 2 of the 3 times.. just realized.. went home in between in New Orleans, though, a day.  1st, a week, 2nd a month+, 3rd 1 most miserable night which was harmless in the long run.

A Healthy Person?

I was a healthy baby beacause my mom is from out-of-the-U.S.  They didn't have the right foods[tuff.]  She grew up healthy.  My parents ate Uno's pizza, when they were pregnant with me, and they act like I don't matter to older kids, you know Generation X.

I have a friend who looked like Ellen DeGeneres as a kid but like an Early Boomer and more of a spud or babied version.

I guess my mom must have overdone it.  I don't know why my brother is smarter than me, now.  It's because I took a break.  He doesn't look very European.  My parents did NOT have a brother for me to make him better.  They fed me scantly and claimed it was not quality food because my dad was poor and my mom was, like, er, important or specail or reserved or precious or something.