Strategy

I'll wait for other people to show off where they are from.

Places are important (to me.)

People were daunting to me my whole life.  You wonder why and the answer is just I'm a n*****.

Song

"It's My Life" by No Doubt

"caught in the crowd" all dreamy and romantic in life - not dreamy as in tired or sleepy..

So, I tried hard to make myself and myself in my environment good and good socially and exciting and right.  I didn't whine and complain.  Why am I suffering more now?  It's like people chickened out in morality.  Like, I'm good but I can like get upset to myself then you supposedly "nice" people all nod that I'm bad?  What do I have left to turn to?  The bad guys?

Growing Up

I'm listening to "It's My Life" by No Doubt.  I missed things like Barney and people my age were listening to them, a restricted band.  People depreciated them, even during school.

Popular/Cool Kids

I remember when I was in my 1st year of junior hi, 6th grade, age 11/12, I was working the cotton candy stand for the 1st time I volunteered, like a grown-up, and I saw the most popular girl singing with a group of kids from performance school Beauty and the Beast.  I sorta made fun of it but not very outwardly, just like I was surprised.  I lived in the nation's oldest continuing city, in Northeastern Florida, just under the major city.

Also, I did a cute science project on sustaining cut flowers.  My 2 best friends who USED to be my best friend won along with the most cool girl who just moved from LA maybe.


I must add that the 1st had honey hair and the 2nd had white hair.

I am very interested.

So, I am looking at pictures of Carolyn, and I noticed her mom was really strict.  Like, I saw 1 girl looked more like her daughter than her.  Her mom is taller.  There was another girl who looked like me.  Then, I saw a picture of her with Ginny.  Um..  So, like, I know, you're supposed to like fix yourself up, but you'd say like um what did I do huh?  No one would care.  You'd just kinda sit there and in the end just pull out as a mixed reaction.  I guess Ginny would be pretty strict.  I just am someone who deserves something and was locked away by Tim Burton and my dad in Orlando, which I like.  Can I tell you why?  Because it's Florida.  Do you know about that?  I grew to love the love of the exoticism and I mean don't wonder about room and proportion.  I used to live here, and coming back is like a joy from Heaven.  It is so nice.  It's the people who move here who are all mean.  It's true.  It's a secret.  I mean, I guess that the mom wasn't interested.  Like, she thought the girl was so pretty, but I mean it was rude.  Like, I mean, I don't know if she really thought that, but I MEAN I DON'T THINK THAT STUFF.  As with Ginny, I mean, what.  I am a good person, locked away, used to be more detailed, but I mean if you're not white and you wanna be what do you do?  I might be an invalid, but I mean so are you all.  I used to be more alive and sorta got all the gush sucked outta me when I posted @ Tim Burton, and now no one likes me.  I'm so lonely, you know?  I was really so mad when he didn't talk to me.  He stopped.  I was in an experiment and thought I was supposed to for fun and mad with racism call his daughter the N word.  I don't take my dad's racism, and he leaves me little shits around about it.  You all can't love me.  You just love my parents.  My life was always like busy.  When my mom came in, I was rather poking a stick at her to get back at Ginny.  I guess my mom is more of a person, you know?  Just, I lived out my European side, in a way.  I mean, I grew up with my mom because of race and um I guess because I -am- a girl.  What are you doing with my dad?  I mean, I don't take the flaws of my mom.  Also, I am very interested in everyone's racial problems.  ,=D

Problems

Every time I open Firefox, I think of this friend with parents 45 years older born in 1941, the dad older by I don't know how much but with the same birthday as me.  Poor friend, but I use Firefox all the time.  Learn to think about what's important.  I mean, if it matters to me, then it matters.  I'm the 1 being wronged.

Also, I feel my right sack + left sack.  My right sack feels like it's being tugged at.  Um, I didn't do anything.  Is this because of CRAPPY TIM BURTON?

The West

To me, Slidell was the West.  It seemed like the most substantial place on earth, save maybe Pakistan?  No, Orlando may not be as hot, but NE FL is hotter than New Orleans.  Yes, it's like there's no land here, no fog, no density.  I don't know how far you can kick a ball, but I know in some way you'd wanna get outta he'"a."  Maybe, we can't afford air conditioning.  That's my thought.  Also, New Orleans is a major city, so you'd have to go like to Ohio or the West or Las Vegas or even like Miami|Fort Lauderdale and like visit Key West.  It's funny Ginny wants to plow through the shit, like some place in the Midwest that isn't major, the way her dad is from Pittsburgh and she's from Santa Clara, right by San Fransisco..  My family went to NY, and I ran into girls from NE|NJ and pretty much turned myself over to them.  People from NYC like Anne Hathaway think it's about being basic, NYC, Pennsylvania, how gay!  No, it was all about New England, not even New York.  I just forgot to tell you that doesn't exist, it's just Boston and next to Pennsylvania is NJ.

Issue

I looked at my friend's Facebook, and she has a picture of her.  I noticed that she knew about people from California being from there being more like my brother, but my brother isn't very European, at all.  He's also not very ***y.  He fits in like where we move, all the time, I fear, though..  Oh well, I mean, who knows?  It's a complex issue.  So, she had a picture of her, and she was holding out like a gun, to someone.  Oh, um, she looked all stimulated..  I don't believe, however, that people from Florida are all like that, nor from anywhere in mainland Florida.  Is that what you think of that 1 attractive youngest girl from "The Brady Bunch?"  I really don't believe that just because a gun to pull out blackheads is like a gun that it actually was made to hurt someone.  I mean, I know all things like that don't just go to each other.  I mean, it's something we don't know.  However, I do believe it is put off and not made for a reason.  About not being made for a reason, I mean, that might not mean anything, but it is put off, in such a fashion.  About being put of as a gun, I do fear that it was believed for that reason.  I have no idea how that would connect with anything other than a bad gun.  It did hurt me and didn't work.  I wonder where we went wrong....  All I thought of was that maybe it would make you do something specific.  Oh yea, maybe, 1 day, we'll all have guns in our home and then 1 day we'll get really mad all of a sudden and no one will be there to protect you.  Um, it doesn't have to be that way.  Who knows what else will happen.  People are pretty sensitive to using the internet.  About us having guns, I mean, I figured it would be a stretch to believe in a chain of events.

Surprise!

I messaged my friend from San Fransisco to come to Theater if she's coming to Orlando, and I saw her online for the 1st time recently, though she erased stuff on her Wall.

Eat

Maybe, I should eat.  My mom just left.  Oh yea, I'm gonna plan to meet in the mornings at Valencia to talk about movies and do ballet.  Going to go in the ballet studio in the morning today and give out invites or maybe .. dunno, don't have cards.. what will I do?  I have notecards but not enough.  I have lots of typing paper.  I have to pay to print, though.  Yea, I need to print them out maybe.  Maybe, cut strips of invites.. have to figure it out.

'>oo<'

Told Someone Something

I never really did this all these years, but I said I quit ballet and slept, went online, and didn't go back because this boy, from England, wouldn't talk to me much anymore, got sorta in a brawl but not me like being literally attacked.

It was a girl before weight training, walking on the track, said she was from NY, didn't tell her where I was from, Puerto Rican dad, I think, I told her she had such light hair so asked, was like blonde and faded.. seems familiar.  Does that mean I got those genes from my dad?  Er, I've lived in the South a long time.

New Facebook Friend

Facebook

She's the girl I talked to after class, the other partner I acted with, a ½ Puerto Rican maternally and then part black part mostly Italian I got, just realized it might be more, had to ask what kind of Caucasian .. and she wanted to go by ethnicity as I emitted excursions of my own "race.."  I know she does voices and can document more via Facebook had I the time.. see I am just enjoying myself for 8 years in a way, and I have to clean my room-  Also, I mean, like eat and stuff.  I mean, I just don't do that stuff, now..  I don't know, maybe I shouldn't go anywhere, but I can't stand just seeing my dad and mom.. 

Problem

So, what do you think about being blocked by someone?  I mean, it seems like this kind of thing happens.  I sometimes think like with family I have too many advantages.  Sometimes, I worry they will be friends with someone else, instead, and I guess that they aren't real people.  Then, I don't really believe anyone "is real."  The problem is that we are expected to read certain things, and anyone can get in.  I will be held at stake.  I think people will just feel sorry for me and know I'm open.  They won't trust her.  You can't read her posts anywhere, though.  Um, I never said, yea it's cool Facebook should do that.  I just mean, like, say, what if Tim Burton just didn't like you, or Ellen DeGeneres?  What if both of them didn't?  Wouldn't you hve like a combined problem?  I don't know, I mean admit it don't you like play a game?  I mean, I guess you'll have to just say like everyone is going for something, and if they know someone let you down, they won't do what they did instead.  You know, you feel sad.  So, they won't say, yes this person is talking to you.  It'll say, no, this person is putting you off.  I like reading her Facebook and want to in the summer.  What will I do?  She doesn't talk to me.  Wah.  WTF is this?  I'm gonna talk about it to the people in my class, probably.  I said I'd e-mail and see who all wants to talk I guess after Acting I or Improv.  I mean, why can't I see her Facebook like everyone else?  I mean, not everyone in the world will friend her.  I mean, WTF is everyone's problem!  She really is being mean.  I mean why did she do it?  Just to send a message?  Isn't that like shitty?  I mean, come one, what do you think?  It's like she's afraid of me.  She doesn't understand my frustrations.  Why?  What is wrong with her?  I mean, maybe she's not really Californian or maybe it's just L.A. now because I'm from the South.

Problem

She told the Cali girl that she doesn't check her e-mail, but she told her to e-mail her.

Problem

Yo, ya'll stop saying you're better at being Floridian, mkay, and stop I think the kids in my class are worthless, did not write to me..so..I mean stop making fun of me and making me uncomfortable, stop like saying you have to keep engaging in me like you did something for me!

Thinking

I mean, the other kids in her class were bad.  She was clearly annoying me.  I mean, I wasn't trying to hurt her, even.  She shouldn't hurt me back - O MY GAWD WUTTA STUPIDE BITCH

Question

What do you think of adults ignoring nice kids?  *slam*  I don't give a shit about you, you turd.  My brother has always acted like I made him the way he is when I didn't.  They want me to make myself unattractive, what do you think of this threat?  That's ridiculous.

Problem

Look, my life is not based on me not doing homework or not really catching most episodes of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."  Why is everything like ricocheting back?  This never happened before.  I mean, I only take 8 theater credits from 1 teacher + I even do weight training.  I also even see a therapist, which is a bit off for my schedule.  I just know otherwise I'd get into some other mischief wondering about it for awhile.  +, I mean, I dunno, my dad took me there when I started cursing online.  I do like it but not for him, which is why it makes me mad.  I mean, really, I'm not making it up.

I felt sorta bastardized, wanted to watch Ellen, had a weird homework assignment, + missed an assignment, happened to ask for it but got the wrong page and didn't let it get in the way, not even sure how much I caught episodes before, but I mean, I'm always nice..I know that when I do watch it I don't feel welcome totally, like I can't just say I watch it and like okay.  I get a lot of stress from people like Tim Burton..  So, I mean, it was a whole weird week.  + I was waiting to see if anyone would play tennis I know at least the 1st day.  Wanted|Needed a jog.  What is so important about it?  If you wanna talk to me just talk to me, write the message.  It's not my fault Ginny is so uptight about homework and other people are making it so.  I didn't even plan to spend much time on it.  After class, she said my answers were too short..in a small space she gave.  Um, well I read through the play like I got it in a day from a classmate in my group when I found out.  I don't know what else kept me up.  I mean, I've been up a lot, was going in to ask questions, there was Mardi Gras the 1 day, then I guess we had the homework after that.  Weight training began in February, had been going in the offices for signing up about Florida residency.  I watched her show last semester, and I had all these weird noises in my room and got health problems from using a certain workout tape with an attractive girl in front and then staying home eating hamburgers because I didn't feel like going out for some reason, woke up, not on meds, and I mean watch the show, go online in some fashion, mostly complaining about the noises, got a weird message about this situation, as well, I mean why would I ever do anything for anyone and what am I supposed to do?  Not do my homework?  I am taking these 3 classes, no questions asked.  I know it's the dumdums in Florida making fun of me enjoying the classes.

Also, I do things, and these people from weird somewhat physical supposedly places are claiming to me I did this and that when I said something not carefully enough compared to others, like maybe I was never raised by anyone and they were.  I already said no one talks to me carefully and think they're my mother, too.  Then, they never admit why all they do is bug me about stuff like that, like I'm not worth it, like I didn't make it.  They just won't talk to me but talk to my parents.

Dance

I feel I am not ready.  There's a dancer in a theater class who is so thin, didn't give me her e-mail.