So, what am I living for?

My new outfit?  New Year's Eve, my favorite holiday, and ..

Problem

Look, my life is not based on me not doing homework or not really catching most episodes of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show."  Why is everything like ricocheting back?  This never happened before.  I mean, I only take 8 theater credits from 1 teacher + I even do weight training.  I also even see a therapist, which is a bit off for my schedule.  I just know otherwise I'd get into some other mischief wondering about it for awhile.  +, I mean, I dunno, my dad took me there when I started cursing online.  I do like it but not for him, which is why it makes me mad.  I mean, really, I'm not making it up.

I felt sorta bastardized, wanted to watch Ellen, had a weird homework assignment, + missed an assignment, happened to ask for it but got the wrong page and didn't let it get in the way, not even sure how much I caught episodes before, but I mean, I'm always nice..I know that when I do watch it I don't feel welcome totally, like I can't just say I watch it and like okay.  I get a lot of stress from people like Tim Burton..  So, I mean, it was a whole weird week.  + I was waiting to see if anyone would play tennis I know at least the 1st day.  Wanted|Needed a jog.  What is so important about it?  If you wanna talk to me just talk to me, write the message.  It's not my fault Ginny is so uptight about homework and other people are making it so.  I didn't even plan to spend much time on it.  After class, she said my answers were too short..in a small space she gave.  Um, well I read through the play like I got it in a day from a classmate in my group when I found out.  I don't know what else kept me up.  I mean, I've been up a lot, was going in to ask questions, there was Mardi Gras the 1 day, then I guess we had the homework after that.  Weight training began in February, had been going in the offices for signing up about Florida residency.  I watched her show last semester, and I had all these weird noises in my room and got health problems from using a certain workout tape with an attractive girl in front and then staying home eating hamburgers because I didn't feel like going out for some reason, woke up, not on meds, and I mean watch the show, go online in some fashion, mostly complaining about the noises, got a weird message about this situation, as well, I mean why would I ever do anything for anyone and what am I supposed to do?  Not do my homework?  I am taking these 3 classes, no questions asked.  I know it's the dumdums in Florida making fun of me enjoying the classes.

Also, I do things, and these people from weird somewhat physical supposedly places are claiming to me I did this and that when I said something not carefully enough compared to others, like maybe I was never raised by anyone and they were.  I already said no one talks to me carefully and think they're my mother, too.  Then, they never admit why all they do is bug me about stuff like that, like I'm not worth it, like I didn't make it.  They just won't talk to me but talk to my parents.

E-Mail

P.S. I just remembered 1 more thing, I want to get the kids in my class something for St. Patrick's Day, want to get a bag of little shamrocks or something, just something nice and simple, got nice chocolates last month for Valentine's at Albertson's or somewhere..

Dreams

I had a dream I killed Ginny Kopf.  In the end, I heard a few low drums of no consequence really, just th..anyway and then she exploded into lots of little glittery dust, as though she committed suicide.  '=s  The funny thing is I don't remember what I was doing 1st, but I know I was flying around a big place with lots of sorta plant-like buildings, kinda bleak.  I felt there was some big spirit flying me around, though, so I guess I was not the 1 flying?  I liked feeling that I was being held on my crotch, but I got some ideas I tried to process.  I realized that you can find anyone online at school in their city.  I decided, though, that I wanted to do something about safety but always realize that death is just around the corner.  Other interesting things, I felt like my feet were like pushing pedals like of that famous organ song.  I also felt my body nearer to the end before that as the result of being like a jelly worm, you know gel..  Those gummies.  ;D  From doing ballet, like it wasn't a good idea but hwen you do it it is.  I wish I remembered my other dreams, but I was more conscious with this 1, like before.  I think when I fell asleep this time, I felt dead from something, like the medicine as the end.  It's like because I wasn't famous with a lot of money from wishing to be an actor while I was on MySpace.  So, anyway, I was flying around a long time, felt touched, felt strong, the stronger overall feeling or whatever was the situation.  Oh well, wish I could remember more.  It was sorrowful and somber.  It was like it was a scary, black, from the past like my past life or dead, like a Ghost of Christmas, sorta going with me on a journey I was taking or happened to take because of her.  I still feel a big force around my crotch, and it feels like huge, puffy, not too old arms.  I woke up, and my blessed fingers were like big puffs.  I guess I did it to myself, as usual.  It's always interesting, but it won't last.  I used to feel I wish it would last.  :|

So, if you want to know what I did in bed, I could feel in Cleveland, my blankets feeling celestial like they put kinda a lot of sorta involuntary|voluntary, you know random.., pressure on me, like a spirit, that it was a person.  My bed also pulsed in a very surreal way.  I used to imagine the life in my eyes suddenly like crossing mainly.. and myself fucking the tubes!  D;  I tried it as much I could, like I would not stot, like I had to do it, like there was no point in thinking of other things in bed, myself.  I can't seem to do that, now, here.  I just was distracted, in the end..  I used to go around to RDV and sit around, a magical place, while my mom was busy.  I'd watch the people and feel I was in a magical world, really, but for some reason it had to dye away.

Ate

I had a wrap with 2 chicken breasts without bones, so they were pretty thin.  I had long lettuce leaves, yellow American cheese.., which seems usually to be yellow as far as I know, a thin wheat wrap though it seems my dad didn't get pita, and ranch dressing.  I'm gonna have Samoa type cookies from the grocery now.  I also have the raspberry Dove candies from Valentine's.

Ate

Liverwurst
Samoa type Cookies
Raspberry Dove Candies 3) from Valentine's, didn't pass out much

Facebook Post

Mardi Gras

Nice picture.. I gave out Sponge Bob Square Pants class cards @ Mardi Gras @ my cc. I take all the theater classes from the voice instructor at Disney since the mid-80s.. }:] If you want to add me as as friend, you have my permission, since I've already sent you a request, + a pm..

Studied

Got my audition down, well, my neck stretched, a fairy poem I Shakespearea's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." I read my Acting I homework the night I got it on the "disability" van, slept today sorta.. With my flashlight from my aunt, for Christmas, and I made notes, rehearsed, studied the 2 big paragraphs, as well as the shorter lines, 3 pages altogether with the other part, working with 2 girls, me do once. So, I got it dahoon, studied for like maybe 45 minutes cheer. I'm ar oh oond the poo'.

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Stuff

So, I got a rolling huge black gym bag, came with a little lock like the 1 I borrowed from my brother in 6th grade burrr, a cheap tennis racket @ Sports Authority green, a box of tennis balls but still want to get more, a red bigger tennis racket @ Wal-Mart, a hope cancer tennis racket holder, my cellphone, so it's really cool, pretty much packed up, just need to pack things I'm still using, leaving @ 6 A.M., so gotta wake up maybe at like 4:30 A.M., will ask for money, esp. since I'm at school all day.  It does feel like I got more stuff, got linen Febreze, washing my lunchbag, may wash my backpack tomorrow.  So, I putt the tennis balls in the gym bag I got before because it opens on the top.  Also, I'll wear my Mardi Gras hat, tomorrow, wearing my 90s shirt.  }D  What if it was Christmas?  I have no idea what to do for Valentine's.  I mean, I have some shiney PJs which aren't all that comfortable, pink pants..you know I dunno how about the shirt from my brother 3D the 1 I wore to the museum last summer..I'm taking a shower at school, whoops, gotta pack my towel and washcloth, too.  There's a thing at the bottom for shoes.

Irritated

I don't feel like homework, want to shop tomorrow, have laundry to do.  I wanted to celebrate Mardi Gras, somehow, maybe ask for Panera Bread.

Mardi Gras

Tomorrow, is Mardi Gras, from 11-2.  I can't believe we have to practice for theater.  I haven't had any time, and the practice didn't involve me much, 3 people.  We're coming to school on Monday to practice, but I don't have class that day.  I guess they just didn't want to come the day of, which is fine.  So, yea, she suggested maybe we practiced a little script for 3 hours.  I guess I am not that much into theater nor this script.  I mean, practicing with 2 other amateurs..it just wasn't all that encouraging.  They were afraid to have fun, just practicing being goody-goods.

Facebook Post

To: http://www.facebook.com/ginny.kopf

Hi, I wanted to talk to you, about class. ... I hope you had a good class today. I'll think about it in my blog, about how to have a better experience. I was just worried about it, nothing wrong with that, does show I'm interested in something others think is too late. Not sure exactly what my point was, though. I thought of what bothered me and got tired and forgot about it. I got a lot done talking about it, tonight, though. Well, hope we have a good class session Thursday. Not sure how to make it better. It's Mardi Gras at Valencia, so should make a difference. So, I blogger about the class today on my blog, which is my #1 thing in this existence other than maybe unorganized possibilities..who knows what that would mean..? So, I blogged about the class.. http://cab1986orlfl15.blogspot.com/2013/02/facebookpost20130206-1.html

Hi, I wanted to talk to you, about class. I got something to quell me and distract me from the kids in the Voice for the Actor class, guess that older guy started it, is younger than you just a little.. So, when the guy bothered me I just wouldn't have it, wanted to do something back but couldn't really get myself to shrug it off. People are just mean to me. They don't care what I say. I don't want to do this. I don't see them as native Floridians. If they are, they are just in the stuff. So many kids in the class were like hissing curse words. Did you tell them to do that, just for fun, because I mean I don't think I would do that, not sure why that would be okay. Guess it just came up, then? I have a right to take class from you at college. The problem was the students, not sure what it is. So, I did notice, maybe you did, that you were mad at me because I was upset. Seems like you want me to be a suck up. I don't mean anything bad using the term a "suck up," just a cute word. You're acting like since I am not submissive to the Floridian culture that maybe I have to assimilate to a proper way of living as a contemporary citizen, of the U.S. I was just worried about the way you seem to want us to be like goody-goods, or else the class would make me go out of control wondering if I'm Floridian. I'm mixed, but I actually grew up in Florida. I was wondering why you are uptight on Facebook because everyone online is not very giving online, and it is actually "the" opportunity, not something you can take for granted to save a spot for later? I was hoping your classes would be fun. 3( You seem to be ring leading your current students but I see you already appear to be old in some way. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place or if you're just a competitive person, maybe more important than most all the other teachers, at least in Florida. Like, you seem to want to know if I want something, felt that you just wanted something from me and then pretty much don't want to talk to me, like you want something but you don't talk. I don't know who I was to start off with, more was my mom's kid and had to live with my dad. My mom gives me what I want and is strict. I don't know what's wrong with my dad. I don't feel that European myself around him but at least have a connection. I do feel more physical. It's just that around my mom I look more European, at least before. In Florida, all people cared about was like how my life wasn't very physically pleasurable. After I came back from elsewhere, it became more in line with some focal idea. It's just that I don't really mold who I am in that way. I know the reason I look Jewish is because it's like a pull away from "being a gymnast." Anyway, it's late and I also want to do something else. I hope the pacifiers I got will keep me occupied in class, keep me from crying, which I am so not prone to ever do in a bad way anymore unless someone summoned it. I think I am just mad that people don't think I am a true Floridian when I've been here since birth. It's just because my dad is from Pennsylvania, but I think it's cool. I think they just want my parents for themselves, themselves. With you, I am concerned about your getting out, like your maybe hoping for the future while maybe people like me will move on. I will move on because I realize my goals and don't lackadaisically put them off, why would you think otherwise? I just feed myself and rest and then everyone comes to me for the ***. I never did anything wrong, so it's a lie to think not.. :V I feel controlled by Italians born in the mid|late 70s. People are just questioning what I've done and changing my future because of Tim Burton, just admit it. You're just saying I can't be cool because my dad is from Pennsylvania and not like Florida nor L.A. nor somewhere else in California.. I will not listen to rules from Pennsylvania of fake things. I don't even know why this is. I can see if it's for fun, but it seems like it's because of something I did wrong. If I have a tight situation, you can't make it all the tighter like that's when that is. I thought you were down-to-earth and Western, why I took your class, plus you also seemed like a beckoning figure, all the same. Guess you're also ½ Pennsylvanian. I think Pennsylvania is now just priced for the separate Amish whatever, perhaps where my relatives live now, and maybe for the prestige of your city, of which I know not. However, my relatives aren't all European ethnically. It is my understanding most people aren't, so then it doesn't matter. People are a bit stand-offish to me from having an all Chinese mom. The thing is my dad is not my mom, and most people are not mothered by their dads. 1st, my egg is from my mom, and I was pregnated in her. Then, I knew she was my mom! Then, I stayed with her.. So, I'm loading footage of me talking tonight. That'll make me feel better. You know, you know it's wrong to say you have to give up something to make an accurate statement. Pretty much everyone just kinda keeps going doing that, as though it's their relief. Well, fine, let it out. Ah, guess I'll be taking my leave, for now, write an intro to this. You seem awfully bored by my company but maybe interested. I am concerned about people joking about you. I guess I just don't find it cool, just them saying they're jealous and mad they aren't as good and don't feel like moving. I know that they like to have fun with me. It's just that they think ooh maybe I'm Christina. Haha, dunno.