Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Contacted Again

I got recontacted.  I submitted again!

Invite to Appear on Dr. Phil

as the interviewed person!  I just submitted my application.

Being Nifty With Relationships

I like my parents in the way I have, but I like other people, too.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

We like getting close to adults other than our parents.

Well, I was always well-behaved. My dad is a monster.

Tired

I feel cold and weak but technically stronger yet more and more tired.  I woke up in the middle of sleeping.

"Why all the hate?.."

Why hate on the less fortunate in some ways?

Well-Behaved Daughter

I am well-behaved to my dad, but don't push me to be too much closer emotionally but just to make him take the place of friends.  Same with anyone.

I found this odd.

So, you want me to get up to each day thinking whatever spurts from others is something someone said to me that's messed up?

I don't think I tried to get very mad, but I tossed/juggled the thought and tried to get it out of my mind.  I thought that was the original go' (goal.)

Some Fantasy/World

You all are creating some fantasy world that I'm bad.

Muscle Mass..

I gained muscle mass from the gym and jogging with weights.  I am 156 pounds.  My purpose in the gym is not to get tiny and frail but STRONG.

What I Think vs. What I "Feel"

I didn't do anything wrong.  I feel as though I have.

Know what, know what, huh, huh??

Know what I'm not gonna do?  I'm not gonna change how I think when I blog in private cuz someone made someone interact with me secretly all the time.

Not gonna be like ooh I must be all neat because so and so says so.  I blog on my own.

Explanations

No, I'm not gonna sit here and let what I say fly like if I say something else it will ruin it.

I can't even say I don't mean what you think.  What'd I do?  I just didn't say yes to something that wasn't true or wasn't nice.  I don't think I barely done anything.  Sparks fly.

Issue

I'm tired of people telling me all of a sudden look what a bad girl I am.  School is my prerogative if I failed, and I had a reason.

Like they say look how bad Christina is all of a sudden, never heard of that before!  Look how tacky she is to experience emotions for others.  You all are so wrapped up in yourselves you have no prerogative all the while hardly tapping on discussing emotions!

I know it's wrong.

They keep acting offended.  Why isn't my life made up of other things/secluding things like this?  Like before.  Why are all these other people so famous and think they're better than me?

I never did anything.

They started the fighting back and forth.

Upset

It just comes out, without doing anything, I swear.

I'm tired of people hating on me for my dad or someone else.

Sore Arms

jogging with weights, 2 pounds for about an hour

A ... wake!

I woke up @ 11:40.

I ate my breakfast:
2 medium-rare bacon strips
a bowl of grits with butter
2 English muffin halves with butter
3 scrambled eggs

I cooked supper in about 1 hour and 20 minutes and still heating and need to do the noodles.  It's beef chopped up with bacon, mushrooms, flour, red wine.. and fettucini.  From some health book.  I increased everything other than the beef.

Nite Soon

Sad teens are so withdrawn in public.

I just had soup and crackers.  (potatos/chicken canned + Trisciuts)

New Recording of Me Singing

Ellen

Jennifer Anniston was so hot!  Her skin was radiant!  It was like red and tan.  She is such a sweet person.  I like her a lot.

The 3rd grade teacher was so adamant and nice!  I admired her greatly.

The Japanese guitarist and singer was so awesome and looked pretty white.  Japanese and Koreans want to be seen as Caucasian, and they are essentially yet something like Irish.

Ellen was cool today.  She seemed cool with the audience.

Dr. Phil's sho'

I am fortunate to be able to write these summaries in my off musings.

I found this girl to be adamant but seemed to feel a bit empty, like an emptiness one get in one's eyes who yearn for emotion and a world of being popular and accepted by one and by all.

More.. It makes me think of myself.  It makes me think of a lotta things that would take 'while to load.  Er whatever.  Load!  Ha ha!  I think people think we all need guidance from a psychologist.  I don't know what I think about the meds.

His book sounds sweet.  I'd like to buy it.  I could get it on my Nook.  Wait, it's not there.  I didn't see it at B&N.

I feel I don't deserve much, like enjoying these shows.  They are so good and available.  Why don't people come to me?  I'm like always online or out getting in shape!  People need to learn to trust more people.  They need to remember to enjoy life.  To not think badly when they can.

You know, when I was in community college, I could not stand the way people were acting towards me sometimes but like they weren't doing it.  I ran out when the teacher started and told people.  She told me to stay.  Once, I got so mad I kicked 2 boys's chairs, tho it seemed like natural.  Not proud of this.  I used to get snotty in public..  I guess I can't say I blame the teacher's and students's having an attitude and bothering me in how they act.  Sometimes, they are real sweet.  Now, I'm on meds which cripple my freedom, along with a curfew.  My mom decided I take meds or else I get kicked out when I tried to leave and she said I wasn't ready, almost got a job in Miami I think as a secretary.  I said we don't have money.  They think I will be dangerous and just want me subdued, like under a tranquilizer.

I feel bad now about how I used to curse about whoever put noises in my room.. they did bother me.

I feel that I was loved too much.  People think I am sheltered.  Others are spoiled brats.  There's 2 ways, apparently.  I mean, my dad even believes he gave me the good parts of my voice.  I wonder.  People in the end may sputter I never did anything.  It would be nice if others got this gift.

I don't know.  On this sho', I think I said as much as I need to say..

Monday, January 19, 2015

TV

Well, it's now or never.  I've been listening to my singing.  Oh my, already after 11.. and I have at least 2 shows to try to indulge in right.  We'll see how it goes today.  We are so fortunate for all this now.

You can forget about it..

..I'm not bothered by what was said.

Apology + Problems

I'm sorry if what I wrote was a bother if you know what triggered the ideas for things in general.

Also, it seems people are freely abusing me emotionally like it's the right thing.  I haven't exactly been mean back.  I don't like how people identify me, what I really think and want.

Also, when Mariah Carey was on, I felt my nose go like hers and it's not a funny way to be.  I don't crush the particles in my nose just because I have Asian.  ':|  Too bad it was on Ellen.  It is an obsene thing to do..to me..is what I'm trying to say.  It's not of class.  I'm just elaborating on a statement.  My nose really is damaged partly.  They just made a loud noise that seems to have affected -my- possible future babies.  Grow up!  Get a life!  I don't need'r (need your) tests..  Tell me why?  I have a right to talk about my damaged nose.

They just made my internet stop, so I have to restart my computer.  They are throwing in more "baby" games.

Steak

We had steak, today, and my parents had 1/2 of a shared 1 and I had 1.  I also had 2 of the cut potatos and some cook'd onions.  I jogged/walked with my weights about an hour, my ankle, otherwise would be the full hour.  Weights 2 pounds.

A Reach

You must have really reached in there for it to come outta me like that.

Being There 1st and Last

Older and Younger people don't matter-  People just say they do more.

What?  People think they matter just because they were there 1st or are more special as the youngest.  Matter more.  Like we don't.

Fear

People are afraid to reward me when I am right.  What does that mean must happen?
I love my 2 pd. weights.

TV Schedule

Ellen + Phil

As long as I have spare time, try for Fallon, sometimes Myers

New Recordings of Me Singing



Racial Tensions

People are afraid to get close to me cuz my race my make them get made fun of.  What about me?

Plans

I guess I will call my old college tomorrow about the supposed financial holds and get into my PIN.  I might have to cook tomorrow, tho, so we'll see.  Maybe the next day.  I also have my ironing, who knows how tired that will make me on meds.

College

I'll have to see how the bus goes.  I might do Music Ed now but am not sure if I will be advised to add any General Studies.  Singing is pretty easy.  If I made it to Loyola, maybe next year, would have to follow online and not via TV, unless I could get to one.  I like the dorms.  Hard to afford an apartment and car.  The meds make me tired, and if I leave home I can get off them.

Not Used to a Daily Grind Here

I was kicked outta my major in college and told to take a long break kinda..

I am holding onto my ability to take in 2 hour long TV shows a day.  If I go to school, I wonder how this will work out.

I have heard all my life people live in front of TV, like what seemed like 1/2 the day.

Older Adult versus Younger Adult

ages 28/29+

Random People

Do you want that to happen?  Isn't it embarrassing?

Who.. I dunno, I guess I don't have any friends.

I wish I wish

to feel loved, for someone to pick me up/"hold me.."

Funny

Also, 2 females from San Francisco ruined some of the relatively most reputable cultures in the South.

So

Before the girl from LA moved to the nation's oldest continuing city in the US in NE FL, we were all just schoolkids learning life and learning..

POV

Does 1 need say the truth or say what's could be seen as wrong?

Being on Top

What's wrong with wanting to be on top?

Sin

I feel as though part of me has sinned, but it could lead to a pattern of inconveniences that lead to worse places, if possible.  I just needed a little hint.  I did tell my mom I said that.  She mailed it.  I had to apologize.  She's keeping more of my money from me, now.  I don't wanna be in limbo in the world/part of my extended family..

Sooner Than Later, Before Rather Than After

If someone "knows" something or wants something in how I live, they need to tell me of it sooner than later, before rather than after.

I wrote to my Gramma saying I thought she tried to kill my mom with cancer by making annoying noises on her plate.  My mom needs peace and quiet.  I told my dad I didn't even want her to come..!  I wanted to explain why I snapped at her or got upset.  I didn't shout.

They think since I brought it up to apologize it "means something."  They are digging in my past looking for things to justify a decision of pleasure against me in their older age.

Part of it was it was in a long letter on an expensive card.  There is not anything wrong.  It is a vague matter of preference to get settled.  It's probably wrong to think against it.  Yet, it can be easily fixed by not mentioning it and seeing if they want it mentioned therefore.  Just say something else vaguely but not it itself, in its place.

Shark With Long Tail

link

Health

Wanna sleep but restless.

Breakfast
-grits and butter
-2 lo cooked bacon
-2 halves of English muffin with butter
-3 scrambled eggs

gym - treadmill lite jogging for 30 min. - my dislocated ankle hurts - did some incline to 7% for a few minutes .. weight training

McDonald's - 2 big sanwiches (guacamole fried chicken + deluxe kind of burger w/baon,) small fries, McFlurry (M&M's)

supper later

Trying to Be Nice

Sometimes, when everyone's sitting around, an explanation is due about a lot of different things.  I feel no one talks to me, and I feel it is wrong.  I feel I am speaking out, but it's just a blog.  Sure, it's a way to communicate, and we should be careful of things like curse words.  We should all try to get along and find interesting things to think.  There's not much if you don't have a hobby and job.  I like travel, but I like learning about different places and don't always go there.  Sometimes, I try talking about some of the places I used to live, something to keep me occupied, as I liked exploring different kinds of cultures I was in.  As to the point of this blog (post,) I feel that if you say something obvious it's not really something new and there are more problems to solve possibly that could come up or maybe not if someone's really happy .. how will we know?  Maybe, cuz things aren't as good as we want.  Maybe, they should be seen as different, for a start.  And to appropriately say how compared in the right way to the right things/people.

Should I even be talking about these things?  I say that they should be taken care of if it involves me, rather than floating like a million particles above my head.  It seems everything I talk about is like this..

The History of My Extended Family

They do not know .. I forget.  Anyway, they ..  Oh yes.  They think you automatically go to your siblings and have a say in their children, when you have nothing to do with them.  You only do that to sincerely help out in any way possible.  Well, that's not exactly how I wanted it put, but I mean other families have the opposite way that I described.  I feel my extended family thinks they know all about me, when I'm just sitting on the internet for the past nearly 10 years and you have access to all I say there.  There isn't "some other world" going on "as we speak."  What do they "know all about" if I am just sitting here on the internet innocently posting away, healing so I can go back to community college via bus and therefore work is out of the question.

Facebook - Barbara Barrett

If that's true, then what would be the problem? ,:| People create fights to justify relationships and have fun, like no one's looking and no one matters, as long as it's legal and not illegal to them.
---
It is done to children who do not scream nor make a scene, too, and that is more important, tho becomes less important.
---
I drink coffee like a treat and not as the main entree of breakfast. Pills have side-effects that seem to make you tired when you wake up or in a way when you try to go to sleep.

Or

Being in trouble for things from the past all of a sudden, but nothing really bad, like maybe you got upset at someone who was being mean to you but didn't hurt them.

Normal Life

What do you think of going along and having a normal life, and all of a sudden you're in trouble when you've done nothing big?  Everyone tells you you have an attitude and messes with your thoughts.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

They need to be more established in their manners that rub off to how teens perceive their life is there.  My parents just test me, wait to make me mad so I throw something or stomp my foot .. and then call the police.  They do it on purpose to set me up.  I'm on medication now that I don't need for a disorder and depression, which I both don't have.  I 1st went taken by my family because I seemed to display questionable behavior, giving up losing my 4.0 and mainly staying in my room after choir at church for Christmas.  I was there for the New Year.  My dad brought pizza, and they left me there to take the psychotic medicine.

Facebook - Dr. Phil

Most people are mean, even nice people, for "reasons out of their control" like being stuck on a protocol. One common example is racism. Nice people practice it. Then, all the other things fall into their places, as well.

Problem

I woke up to being made fun of.  They said they'd plant noises in my possible future daughter's ears to stimulate her in inappropriate ways.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Underdog

People think I made someone an underdog who supposedly "took my place" in the honor I earned, just slipped right in, but my point is that they think I made her the underdog when she seems to think it's right to follow orders and make me one.  That's fine, but I'm just saying.  It seems a bit out of place, tho, disorderly and unfriendly.. I would not listen to whoever told you to be mean to me.

Getting Tired

bed soon

Happy MLK Day!!

Weird

These people think they have the right to come in and be mean to me.

Jogged

with weights, 2 pounds, like an hour

Apology

I got a little upset while jogging.  Some people around me popped the thoughts outta my subconscious sorta or created them rather.

To Address the Problem Quickly

My dad thinks he has some emotional roof over me and tries to punish me for fun for thoughts and when I feel upset and provoked, even if I don't do anything.  I think he stared down someone in my extended family who just died.  I am worried for him.  Maybe, he needs the psychiatric pills.

Criminal Tendencies

My dad had the TV on so loud, and my mom needs peace and quiet for her cancer.  It was ridiculous.  Not touching legal boundaries, but I know why he did it.  He acted like I did something and punished my mom for it.  How sick is that?
out 4 a jog

twinkie twinkie little star

Amy Adams

She doesn't have any Italian, tho.

Amy Adams

I just found out Amy Adams is from Italy.  She has natural red hair?  Anyway, sounds like another good match for Bella Thorne.

Facebook



I identified with this show.. situation-wise in art. I think this is one of the best movies I've seen.

Upset

The time I spend with my dad can be very miserable.

Problem

These people are being nasty and bugging me in my room.

Apology

I am so sorry I made a face, but it was at something that made sense.  After, I quickly dodged things, but I did get bothered by all the tomatos.

nu FB

FB

nu # (cell)

1-407-579-3609

Apology

I did not mean to hurt anyone.  I was upset at a situation.  I fixed it.  I started just going by as I let the lies fly.  I mean, people keep saying I'm not this, I can't do that.  My parents.

I was upset my dad hurt my mom when I thought of a joke with the word shit, did not mean for them to hear it.  A joke on him.  It wasn't really offensive.  It was difficult.

I'm not mad at anyone.

If anyone has a certain desire as to their relationship with me is up to them.  I was just upset and didn't know what to think.  My dad came in and acted like he spoke for someone else.  At least, it was over with a quick sneer as he left-  I just was upset at why people were upset at me, the thing with my mom where I thought of like a cartoon bopping her with something that bounced off her head.

cont.

kids sunblock

More

My dad got me the wrong sunblock "100" SPF, that I have to have "rubbed on" ever' like 90 minutes.

Problem

My dad thinks I should look at him with a babyish desire in my eyes..

Problem

My dad just keeps going at it.

Problem

He is rearranging special people in my life, too.

Problems at Home

My dad made my head and brain feel like it opened up like a toilet and a space for pooh went in it.

He had said someone said they wouldn't do something for me, and I did not accept it.  He started moving my chair putting stuff on the table, I think.  I'm sick of my parents.  They seemed nice, but they are being mean now.

Facebook

Dr. Phil Page

I feel so tired all the time. If I go anywhere, I have to take the bus or sacrifice for a ride. How can I do anything? I am a performing artist, and I don't have money, for some reason. I depended on my school and what it had to offer. I made my own decisions then, but then I was kicked out for being shy or secretly cuz I didn't memorize my piano piece. We had too much work. We had to go to the library in supposed spare time for exercises that semester. So, I have 1 year of successful college, 8 semesters of failure/medical withdrawal.
I guess it's easy to slip when someone's taunting you in your thoughts.  But that never mattered really to anyone.  Just when it's me.

Problem

They made more noises that felt like m***********.

Walking

out for a walk

I bet

my mom did it, but that fact cancels out that it's okay to think that but to try not to.  It might be a healthy outlet sometimes.

Facebook

I think parents must not like their SO if they criticize their kids for who they are, yet they shelter them to themselves, which is not a good feeling.


Some parents don't mate to have kids.  I feel as though people are suggesting to me I should not exist for various reasons: being biracial, my dad leaving his home with a note he's getting married.  I have a cousin who was very wild, and now they think it's my fault she got in trouble as a kid for no concrete reason that exists .. and now I'm the one who's bad all the time no matter what I do cuz I don't do anything.  People attacking me make me mad, like the kids on your sho'.  I have this inner feeling of fighting back when I forget to ignore it, the way people waltz around the room.  I do live at home, but I feel I'm too old to be taught to listen.  I don't do anything, they just want a certain mindset with me.  I see I've cracked cuza lazy disciplining, people who should not be getting into my life like that about things they don't understand.  It's very boring to just tell someone they are only like their family.

Good advice, Dr. Phil.  We need to make sure important goals are met.  I should elaborate what I'm posting, and so should other.  We need kids to be comfortable with their life.  One thing as a goal that made me uncomfortable was I didn't wanna do "just" ballet.  So, in the end, it was not a recreational priority to excel in.  I still cared about school too much, tho.  My college kicked me outta my major they said for being shy, so my goals were not met.  My parents didn't advise me with anything.  I wanted to go to a hi ranking college, but I already chose my scholarship at that one.  So, my future was jeopardized.  You know, it was singing they kicked me outta and Music Education.  I didn't tell them I wanted to do research maybe.  My goal is to be healthy and become famous for arts or acting with movies.  However, I'm on pills like for schizophrenia I don't need which made me need more pills.  They could jeopardize my health, in the long run.  My mom wants me on them.  Otherwise, I would move out, but they said I wasn't ready, too, when I applied for a job in Miami.  They said I could stay here and learn to care for myself.

Problem

They kept making noises in my room this morning that gave me a fake dizzy feeling that didn't feel good.

I found my mom in the kitchen acting like she was all on the ball.

I think someone intervened to do this to get me to think of something violent.  They will taunt me that the last person I started liking who's not Ellen is not something I can do.  I just thought of throwing a force at my mom's head, was so annoyed and frustrated thought of my cup.  I didn't mean to really think to hurt her like with a cup but to throw a force.  You can't just take away things right and left.  You set this up.  My mom was a wreck, would not stop waltzing around like she's taunting me.  They let my mom feel superior to me cuz my dad is not attractive in the same way.  I am not my parents.  I am another person who strives to stay attractive in her own way.  They think this will teach me an ultimate lesson, but I find it a frivolous cause.  I stopped hitting my sofa, so they will bother me about this because they think that's why it worked.  I've been saying they bother me.  I have to be walking outside to get away.

Did you know if you attack someone they can try to ignore you or simply just attack back in a way that seems fair and triumphant?  What could possibly happen, you wonder?  I simply don't like what they did.  I guess it didn't make it thru my thick skull that it was to make a statement about my mom, but I see it was wrong overall.

You could say it was an accident, it didn't bring me pleasure.  I was feeling depressed and slept more yesterday and went to bed late yet didn't wake up late.

So, no, I do not mean it.  I was being attacked, tho, so I'm not the one who should be sorry.

If a thought slips my mind, what right do you have to get me for it, when you were doing something mean to me?

What, does this prove I was weak and dizzy?  How frustrating and humiliating!

See, someone did this to make fun of me and to taunt me that I ruin my relationship with someone.  My only help is that it was an accident more.  I am not a carcass for you vultures to pick at.
Nite

My So-Happened 1st Real TV Show

Ghost Adventures!

Twitter

New Videos of Me Singing



IMDb - The Soapbox

Peter Pan is on Disney Junior [was] [is] [was] [is]

It has cool graphics, like a modern kids's book. It seems like a Dora the Explorer thing. Whoops, it's over.

I liked the pirates, but I don't like the other characters. I wonder if those things are attractive to kids or just an in the moment wonder.

[Hook and Smee]


It's still on.

Muchos Problemos

People keep being mean to me in private.  They think something's gotta give.  They just keep finding things wrong with me that are just a matter of consequence because of others.  I can see how it would come to pass, but it isn't all that way.  They did deliberately get me to feel something I didn't want, but it wasn't really that bad and it's just something that's a part of me that I do, in a lotta ways.

Problem

These people experimenting on me have nothing to say yet keep disrespecting me.

Not Being Able to Answer Right Away

Do you ever not know the answer and feel pushed to spurt something out in like how you look or what your next physical move is?

IMDb - The Soapbox

Re: Indonesians (I'm Indonesian.)

Most Indonesians are Muslim. Merely because they share a religion with most Middle Easterners, it does not make them like Arabs or Persians. Genetically the Indonesians are closer to Polynesians than Arabs and Persians.



I GameBoy so You gotta make way for The Homo Superior!

Re: Indonesians (I'm Indonesian.)

Well, I'm all Christian.

💁 Now, here are your things. G'nite!

IMDb - The Soapbox

Re: Chinese Acrobats

I liked that Chinese Acrobat in Ocean's Eleven.

I'm an Extraterrestrial-American.
a.k.a. killersalmon a.k.a. NovaFlames

Re: Chinese Acrobats

I don't know if I caught that one, but I have Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Terry Giliam. They are real people. 

IMDb - The Soapbox

Re: Indonesians (I'm Indonesian.)

Everyone knows the Indonesians to be like Middle Easterners even more than Asians. Indonesia is a major country. The existence of Polynesia does not cancel this out, in fact. 

IMDb - The Soapbox

Chinese Acrobats

They seem to be the ones who strive most to be European, the acrobats if you compare Chinese people to one another. They need exercise like us. 

IMDb - The Soapbox

Would you rather be real Indonesian or Chinese Indonesian?

The Chinese are more like the Dutch who conquered Indonesia soon after the Chinese arrived.