Monday, August 11, 2014

Apology

I can't take it back in real life but I can say I want to, if I said you gave my mom cancer.  I'm worried cuz she's always sleeping.  I wonder how they got the cancer out of the back of her eye.  Her eye still hasn't opened all the way and she had a scar under her eye, though I didn't think that's where they went.  I'm eating my cereal and peeling my carrots.  I slept all day..  You know what Rising Star.
 

I dreamed

all I needed was in college, like ballet.
 
 

I slept the night and all day.

So much I felt sick from doing nothing, like tired.
 

Wow

Ellen, you're not really up there, you think that I deserve to be beaten down all the time.  You're crazy!  Everyone thinks so.  If I say something, you turn it into an ongoing what you call fight.

Don't even tell me I just dissed you.  I don't even remember half of what I was thinking it's so crazy!  Okay, I wasn't being sarcastic, but you keep being like that and that seems kinda lo and bipolar.  Seriously, how can I say this and not make fun of you cuz it needs to be said?  I see you at the ocean's bottom hitting a little ball at all passerby.  Ha ha ha.  Should I move this to my shit list or leave it here?  I'm sorry I said crazy, but that's basically what people think about your behavior.  You'd  be surprised how sacrificially nice many people are or act, most everyone.  I do thank you for being smart in your ways personally because it's so admirable.  Like, true, someone's gonna say, "***," and you say it 1st.
 

Anyone care to explain this?

(Did Ellen do it?)
 

Did it ever occur to you

that what Ellen does bounces back to her if me getting mad would bounce back on me and loved ones?
 

Another Sign

I wasn't alert on IMDb 12 hours ago..
 

I must admit

I do not deserve to be reminded of that girl all the time and do not have to admire her behavior.  It's like telling me to admire someone else like that.  Does she deserve it?  She's not that nice to me, sometimes.

How can I call it a cute game when I know it's just your punishment fantasies?
 

Problems

No one defends me, and people are mean all the time, when I am nice.

People were nicer until I thought of bopping someone old once, like a cartoon, not real, and now everything I have is shit.
 

I merely wanted to say

I could have acted as a child, not just someone else.  I see people obviously like Jackie Evancho change how they look because of money and look better than they used to.  They may have done it on purpose, at least her.  She was a cute little kid.  So was the other person.  I feel I'm saying it just to be nice, which should be a nice thing.  I just have a certain opinion about certain people, like I think they are not trying and just want immediate gratification|attention!  If I am like that, I try to make it somehow.  I didn't try to be an actor when I felt I was an ugly girl, even if it wasn't my fault I was ugly.  It's a certain thing to tell me I am not ever attractive and to find that you yourself have a more generic look or something, so generic it seems terribly plebeian and rebellious.  Why would anything like that ever happen?

I can't believe I thought to say that yesterday, really musta been upset and swayed, was already trying to fit in a statement of importance with someone else.
 

I'm worried.

My back still hurts.  My dad has made me mad.  It hurt a lot the day before.
 
What did I say that was so bad that I didn't know to correct?  On my Shit List?  Means it might not be perfect?  I see I just said it in a not bad way except I corrected that 1 word is all.  Why can she tell me I'm unattractive?  Ya'll indicate stuff like that all the time.
 

The fact that other girls matter

in a threatening way to me just makes me wanna not care.
 

People just

hate me more and more.  Even if I'm good.
 

Goood Feelings in the World

I just tried to m********* and decided I didn't really want to, didn't have to.

I had a dream I was at an apartment, and an old friend used to live there.  He walked with me, and I noticed he took my arm|hand and looked rather young, like early 20s.  It felt good.  He was maybe a blonde with kinda a shaven look, long head, German-American looking I think.  A lady had come before and I thought it was her sometimes, like I can't really focus..  Anyway, he seemed so kind and though younger and more stupid had latched on..  There was more the dream before.  More people.  I was convinced to want to find some episode of My Litle Pony, not sure what it would be.
 
 
Back to Bed?
 

I'm going to lie on my sofa

and probably fall asleep.  I took a nap earlier.
 
I wasn't called Asian before.
 

Spoiled

Bella, something bad is coming to you.  People hate people who have a lot of Floridian heritage.
 

No.

What happened to the old Bella?  She was in check like all the other famous teens.
 
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