Something came up.

I feel that all this everyone being mean to me are ruining my relationships.

Treatise on Treats of Life

It does not happen I deserve less than anyone without a fair start.

People can't take away my relationships because they think I'm forever in trouble.

People can't condone me as a part of a generation.  I didn't do anything that stupid by a mile.

People can't suddenly say they are better than me just to take advantage of me.

If someone likes me, they shouldn't give me the cold shoulder when they meet someone else.


Disclaimer: This does not exactly apply to anyone.

Community College

I guess I will take 1 or 2 community college classes online.  I want the AA (General Studies.)  I had a nasty thought about my being hindered in life for whatever reason because I am uneducated.  Later, I can work out what career, as I do not know the way to go.  Plus, General Studies are hard for me, so it'll be good this way.

We made it!

My family and I went to see some relatives.

Mandatory Evacuation?

I think we're evacuating for a hurricane!  I slept 2 or 3 times tonight each for like at least almost 6 hours.  My mom came in and told me to pack at the 3rd cycle I think.  Things were going good before I went to bed, but I guess people are beating at me, maybe blaming me for the past.  Came online to do something, gotta finish packing, mostly done it seems.

Me

I'm actually very open to helping others!

So..

..If someone does not like something about me is fine, but I have problems no one cares about like I'm out cuz I'm blind.

Being Better

Can you believe people who go out and tell others they are better?

I am with bad people cuz good people are too self-centered.  I am kind.

I'm just concerned, not trying to fight anyone.  Is it true?  Like, some poor stolen kid or something?

Still Cool

Do you ever get a feeling people ruin your life but you're still cool?

Ethnicities

Germans may be particular to theirs, but it is not 100% ideal over all.

..I guess

I'm being slowly filed out.

How Absurd!

Why can someone feel a caring emotion for someone younger, but they hurt me?

Something Left to Be Desired

Why is that insulting?

No Hope

School is over.  I can't go back.

Work it out!

you can't start early enough: Luciano de la Parra obviously like gut strings :) @alondradlp @FreiburgBaroque #FBOMEX @PalacioOficial pic.twitter.com/BKTAzkFCLK

— Matthias Beltinger (@resonanzio) October 2, 2016

Talk about making the situation work out.  I do feel this "cold shoulder."

Excuse of Denial to Your Understanding

So, do you know people who deny you because they are too good or too bad, but they don't seem to know which it is?

Cool New Playlist

from last night

Best of Religious Music

I can't have this.

I guess people just are not good enough.

So, why..

..would I wanna talk to you?

Why

are other parents so nice?  I am nice, and my parents are not.

Shamed

You did what you did!

Campaign for Me to Be President

Is it a sin to pleasure up girls born around 1997 and 1998?  I'm still young.  Nothing happened to me.  People are complaining.

Issue

The people secretly communicating with me made me shit.

Everyone caught on I was shit and weak.

Issue

Why do you have to be famous for non-famous people to come out and meet you or appreciate you?  It can't be.

Niggering!

My parents/dad is talking to me like I'm a nigger, keep insulting me and getting me to react and rearrange the thoughts.

Parents

People act like one person has problems with their parents, then everyone has problems with their parents.

It's like all the parents are making sure none of the kids are too good.

They think that it's embarrassing for their kids to seem better than others.  They think they should make them unappealing.

This is totally against what is true!  Why did you think it was okay, at all?

Watched

so I can be told not to have any deep relationships

They say they do it, but then they say they don't.

Why is good, bad now?

When I go into the living area, I just wanna get in and out, not into a fight started by my parents.  I am nice to them!

"Why should I?"

Why should I listen to the bad things you say?

What do you think this is?

Some big thing where everyone "knows" I'm in trouble?

So?

Why is someone supposedly causing bad things to happen to me?  Should I just blame my dad and people experimenting on me and my mom for being mean?

Trapped

I'm hostage, I can't change my situation.

Messed Up

How do you think out of nowhere it has to be failure?

Ruining the World

You don't even support the effort of accomplishment in mistreated generations.

People just wanna kill me and not care. I guess a lotta people are out to get me.

Question

Why do you "have" to do anything?

New Page

Me

Race
•½ Asian/Chinese
•½ White
  •Anglo-Irish
  •German/French/Dutch
  •Irish
  •English (Anglo-Saxon..)
  •Swiss (Pennsylvania Dutch)

Sick of People and the World/Universe

It's everyone's wet dream to tell me, "Sorry, you didn't make it this time," at each milestone of achievement into my next life.

"Problem Child"

Do you know people who are a problem?  "Sorry, Sweetie."

Issue

I think I got told I deserve to lose someone because I made myself Hades.

You're being watched, too.

I wonder if my parents realize they are being watched and that other people conform themselves to the things my parents do wrong to me and maybe others.

I wonder

So, I wonder why other people are allowed to do anything wrong to me.

Problem

People keep watching me in private and I can't feel okay.

Shit Shit Shit

I wonder why people with younger parents don't have to deal with the shit of other people a little older .. and I have to deal with it.  Shit dictated by what happened to the previous generation of parents.

No offense to anyone in this post nor with using the word "shit" for fun, not at/about anyone.

Overrated

People overrated me about it being too late for me to be a person in the world.  Well, I'm here and I'm a person.  I don't know what you are.

Thoughts

Is it ever wrong to give to someone?  What if there was a reason for someone to have given something to you?

I dunno if you know what's going on in my head as far as looking for a situation goes.  I should and do feel like I am unworthy and bow at the feet of those who gave to me.  I just don't understand how since people started spying and experimenting on me watching me in my room .. that my life went down the drain.


Whose business is it to say I didn't ever earn anything I had in my life before?  I hardly had a chance to feel I deserved to live in a way, rather than just die and no one would care about someone like me ever before.  Like, I lost my feeling I had a cool personality and people to be there to talk with.  Those friends are not slaves, but they could kindly excuse themselves rather than abandon me and be rude, like I did something to each of them that was really deliberately done.

I know one friend said to go away rudely, and I was so shocked I didn't leave and wanted to see if she was kidding.. but I was confused.  One girl made me uncomfortable for some reason saying she had glasses like she wanted someone to say something big, and it just sorta came out, "I'd rather go blind than wear glasses."  I figured being blind was a holy sacrifice, but I didn't really think that way.  So, I dunno, if what I did was really unforgivable.  I was also a new student and shy and somewhat unaccepted racially, tho I actually made it there, had a fairly good life, very good in many ways, and some friends.  You know?

I'm sorry if my thoughts wandered into dangerous waters for others in this entry.


I keep feeling like I'm being tossed around by people in charge of spying on me, like people are telling me it's great and to expect it to be great cuz I'm smart or something .. and then I get fought for no reason, like I'm some pig in the dirt.  People won't forgive me for some weird situations I was in, none totally bad in truth.

Acting

I think I'm going to take a series of acting classes for film for adults, maybe when violin is over at the end of November.

Ha Ha You Can't Blame Them Now

My parents made me fat as a baby and dark haired as a child.  I can understand myself better, so that's why it seems easy to be different now because I did it myself.

Hey..

You know, as a kid, I would've loved this stuff.

I feel more like I didn't have a female nor a very cool/eventful childhood for myself.

I know most girls are offered this and say no, but I say yes.

Also, what's the point in being borderline ugly in looks and having sorta lifeless dark hair?

Who cares about eye color?  The "whitest" people in Europe don't all seem to have shining eyes.  Yet, they seem whiter.  Many of them don't have twinkling eyes.  They think it's paradoxically attractive.  They "got the stuff," too.

Only a few things stood out when I was a child.  That would be dresses that look patriotic and later on things I couldn't afford.  I'm more childlike now than in the middle-ish of my life phases.

How do you get to do this?

Update

Sorry, I changed the title of a post.

Feeling White

So, Asians cannot feel the whitest because whites exist, but I cannot feel white because I have nonwhite traits supposedly when I'm probably 1/2 white 1/2 Asian?

Yum!

I'm baking some chocolate chip cookies from a box!

Update

New Page

Me Online

on the toilet

taking the bus to get home!

I hope everyone is having a good day!

You know, what did I do to start a fight anywhere in my life?  Who gets problems as pathetic as I have?..  Sometimes, I cut corners, and sometimes I get in awkward situations.  Nothing made very real/clear. People just want to go with the flow!  How will I remember this when vital?  Just accept that people are all confusing it seems sometimes.  You just gotta play by the rules you've learned.  I find some of the rules illogical or haphazard.  Like, people want you to listen and know you can't do it.

No College

Instead, an acting hopeful too!  That's not the end of this story, tho!

Movie

I just saw Miss Pereguine.  10/10.  Excellent cast.  I was already looking forward to Eva Green.  She is 1/2 Swedish and 1/2 French.

What's Going On

I might seem overly sensitive, like I should ignore the mean thoughts I get from others.

I do see other younger people out there living their lives, like I don't deserve one.  Then, Baby Boomers and especially/primarily Late Boomers get nourished for their "needs, wants, and desires."

What's It Worth

I can see the faces of girls born around 1997/1998-ish looking taken aback in the experience of the world, like they're an individual that's worth something.  Their dads must be born in the later 1950s.

Families Today?

Why are they saying that people with too young of parents born in Generation XYZ are cooler than some people with Late Boom parents?

This is not a "sensitive" issue.  It's a public conspiracy.

Controlling Others's Judgments?

So, they can do what they do, but if they present something to me I'll find something wrong with it.

Something Sad

It seems people at church copied me like they think they shoulda had a chance at life and say, "Howcome our pastor is so attractive and I'm not the one being attractive?"

Issue

People blame my mom for their not liking me.  They also messed up my life and a lot, it seems, if it has anything to do with this shit.

Can't Trust People

They seem settled to hurt me and say I'm shit cuz I am always being bugged when I try to live my life.  My life is trash because of them and partially because of my dad.  Who brought my relatives into the picture?  They aren't close to me.  They're out to get me.

I don't want the sad puppy eyes to waste my time.  This seems kinda weird and probably not rewarding to others.  I wish people would talk to me in ways that benefit them more.  It is nice in my lifetime to experience people who understand my life.

I feel like a Jew being labeled by some shit Germans, I just feel I'm gonna die.

Pretty Much

I'm in trouble if I ever did anything they disapprove of.  I had no chance.

Heh Heh Okay But

They speak to me every time I load the page on my computer and thru people I know and don't know.  They are mean at any moment.  My life is limited and inhibited.

I know now.

I knew before.

They won't let me talk about anything critically + assertively.

They always throw in some watermelon seeds.  "Ooh, I have to do something mean to Christina all the time.  This isn't a prize.  This is impressive."

Orlando has turned into fluff.  Huffle Fluff.  You know I was at a high ranked private college today, and I think the kids there are surprised the life of Generation XY/Y was about Pokemon and Harry Potter.

What are these people trying to do to me?  Turn me into their trash?  I bet they can't take this post.

Yea..

..I don't wanna wait for what someone is programmed to do to me.

Wait..

You're hurting me.

I don't care.

You let other people be mean and I can do whatever I want that is legal.

I should be President.

That way no one could hurt me in the future.

Cooing Myself

People are mean to me, and instead of being mean back in all situations if possible.. sometimes on the inside I label them as trash because it comes up with them.

Is this a lie?

that the people watching me secretly with cameras are only a reflection of my environment?

I know for a fact people are mean to me on the outside and it effects me when I'm inside.

Messing With My Life

I feel I am being watched meanly when things are fine and being probed into for my private thoughts that aren't addressed to others.

An Obvious Secret

We could all just get along if everyone wasn't (1) getting into fights about not wanting to be older and (2) in some level of thinking trying to raise up younger people over older people.

Actually, they try to raise Early Boomers over Generation X.

Who's involved?

Do you know what the word "unincluded" means?  Like, you praise someone, but it doesn't mean you're shit.

Fairest One of All?

What do you think is more attractive in an adult?  Looking old to look like an adult compared to kids or looking like a kid/younger to make younger people feel even younger?

Violin

I just had my lesson and am considering staying with this instead.  Dunno!

All Fits Together

I will get the AA (General Studies) and for my social health take ballet twice a week for adults and private singing.  Maybe, someday I will do violin again, but I dunno.

The Plan

I paid for violin lessons up until late November or early December cuz I had to.

I hope to do the play which is in January.  I hope to go to community college online in the Spring, too.

Then, I can do adult ballet and private singing.

I need to learn to keep up with chores, too.

What about violin then?  I can do it on my own sometimes maybe.  I just really want that AA.  After that, I can do whatever I want.  4 classes per semester, I'll be done in 3 semesters.

(1) New Student Experience, English, Math, Science
(2) Math, Social Science, Social Science, Science
(3) Communications, ...

That's Spring 2017, Summer 2017, Fall 2017.  If I feel like it, I can take 3 in the summer since summer is short.

I don't read much, but I am excited to read for a degree.  I like writing on my blog, tho.

So, it would be too hard to add violin.  I'd rather stay fresh in dancing and singing.  I could always quit and start violin lessons again and can play on my own then.

Feels Like Before

I didn't say I would do violin in my last post!  I remember when I was too busy with homework to take private singing lessons in junior high.  We couldn't afford all the things I wanted to do later on.

The Idea

I would take ballet classes and the private singing lessons, and eventually I'll be good enough to do something.

I guess one of the problems is I'm starting like this at age 30.

So, get an AA online and take ballet and singing.  I'm hoping to take 4 classes a semester to get done more quickly.  Last time I was there doing that, online, I took 6 and it was too much by a margin.

Roadblocked

I feel I've hit a roadblock.  I am not all that excited about being in community plays for a staple activity.  It would be fun to do something in Hollywood, even if it were something small like a commercial or minor supporting position/crowd role.

Already, violin is out of the picture for a daily sustenance.  That is because I am only a beginner.

I've considered college, probably online, which would be fun to get a degree.  Financial aid only covers the general studies AA now, tho, at least at community colleges or colleges like that.

New Plan

I guess I will take ballet, hard to come by good jazz classes for adults, anyway.

Ballet + Opera/Classical Singing

Violin on the side.

I hope I can be involved in plays, too, but how will I take dance class at the same time?  Guess I will take it when I can.

Violin Only on the Side :(

I am a beginner.

I want to take jazz dance and classical + other singing.

I don't want to act without these skills, neither.

My Artistic Goals

I wonder if I need to seriously weigh my options on following either of these.

•Violin
•Singing and Dancing

I'm taking violin lessons.  I think I can add ballet class next year.

Book

It talks about molecular and cell biology and curing diseases.

$14 @ BN

"Very Important Medical Research"

I was looking at BN online and I felt I was related to like all these other fields or a large scope of them in my interest in biotechnological laboratory sciences with animals, as I browsed thru.

College Major Programs

•UCF - BS - Biotechnology
•High Ranking Private School - does not have it + generally hosts BAs

•Community College - AS - Biotechnology Laboratory Sciences
•Community College - AA - Biotechnology

"If I had a.."

If I had a job in healthcare, it'd be with animals in biotechnology.

If I had a job in science, it'd be physics.

If I had a job involving more reading, it'd be modern world history, with an interest in the Baby Boom era.

If I had a minimum wage job, it'd be working in the crew backstage of a theater.


My "greatest interest of these is" animals in biotechnology.. "animal biotechnology" veterinarian.  I'd rather work with the physical part with the animals.  A "biotechnological veterinarian."  It's more of a research job than a normal surgical job.


I am trying to focus on violin and being active in my community, tho.


link

Bad White Culture Types

I wonder if I know anyone my type.

Most people in Europe want to be like the bad Americans.  Then, many attractive people even in America itself are like that, too.

"Do you want someone to care about you?"

You can't tell someone from Late Generation X that someone in Earlier/Mid Generation X are their surrogate parents.  They grew up with Mommy and Daddy.  Some people from Late Generation X are so good they are like knighted parents, but in general the parental unit of Late Generation X is Baby Boomers.

Kids today are treated very caringly by younger Generation X, but people like me are not treated like their baby mostly.  So, in the end people like me lose out on what's given to them.

Moreover, some people, like me, in a way are not in a position where they want to get married nor feel like having kids.  I like talking to friends.

"People who need people .. are the luckiest people .. in the world."

Also, what of the movement of trashing anyone who is not a Late Boomer?  It's catching on, and it's a sin, wrong, and untrue.  I'm a bit worried people are saying Late Boomers need each other and their Later Millennial children, who are the youngest of their generation of offspring.  So, they forget about their Generation XY kids.  Early Boomers don't have parents just like that, but they are older.  In essence, my generation is not getting what they need.

Little Theater

I might audition for something soon.  It's a play.  It looks promising, cold readings for auditions.  My family would have to give me a ride, so I'm finding out the schedule.

Schedule

I'm not keeping up with anything on TV right now that I know of.  I don't follow many people on Twitter, mainly following public organizations or places.

Seeing Into It

It seems when you see like a person from Europe that when people are on the job it's really about race and not much is happening.

Sorting Sheep

People used to say that people who are more rash and naughty were the ones who were careless letting their skin tan and would probably rather be where it's hot all the time.  (Say, has anyone seen a tanning bed, of late?)  I don't mean anything racistly.  The funny thing is I keep feeling beat for my interest in things like Germany for music.  (Music is important!)  Also conducive to a fairer look, people eye me suspiciously when they see my application of sunblock, every 2 hours.  Remember the sendoff song about always remembering to wear sunblock, too?

..Hm.  Are Asians sometimes considered not people, no exceptions for anyone?  I know I feel pressure that I could look worse than other people.  Sometimes, because of that kind of pressure, my good looks drop a notch.  I recently found that Asians know white people "have it all."  They just happen to look how they look and it might be a dying culture among some of the riff raff, however meaning hinting at something like the French Revolution.  I found people in general, at least here in Central Florida moreso, if they are impressed by you they just want to take that aspect of you somehow and not let you have it, being mean to the people who seem racially impure.

I wonder why my being good a lot is thrown out the window, whereas others who are all Caucasian move up and up without question.

Something else funny in the weather.  It seems like there is less to enjoy and too much stress.  You can't get better and better and be happy physically.  There is always a bitter element.  I mean about things like if your job is performing music.  It seems more stressful where I'm at.  I can't just enjoy even that.  It was my college major, my sole field of study with extra courses in it, for 1 year.  When other people mess up their life, people say their sin is their punishment, but it's not.  When I do something that is none of their business by some point, my life is turned around.

It's funny when you see someone from Europe get jealous of an American feeling pleasure.  They think if Americans feel it they are spoiled.  They also end up siding with the bad ones.  They recognized them as interesting and like a band of pirates.

Why do I see people smile at me after I deny their belief I am shit?  They don't know what they're thinking and don't wanna tell you and think only others than myself can get away with throwing me out.  I don't care how old they are because I know people younger than my parental generation think they can be unauthentic and overly stark in dealing with me.

People think I am out of place, but I fight for what's right.  I know media is all plagued by people visiting California.  They think it doesn't count and doesn't matter.  So many people in Florida are crazy, too.  They don't all look so happy.

Would you say that even if I did something out of place, it shouldn't mean I am bad, whereas other people are up to something?  They have been up to something since like 1998.  I guess the Baby Boom and slightly older generation can't keep them under control.  These younger people are bitter to their parental generation.

You know what else I decided?  Maybe, it would be mean even to get a sperm donor to have a kid because it would make people uncomfortable.  I am not networking enough with other Eurasians/Mixed Asians cuz I don't know how.  EurasianNation.proboards.com is so slow now and not may people.  I feel I am lacking socially.  Race is my main concern.  Stormfront is so strict, seemingly.  It's a white supremacist board.  It's okay, but it's mostly bringing up topics just to have something to talk about.  They don't like talking about other races so we can all be at peace and live the life we want.

It's hard to believe people resent my existence.  That's not okay because taking your life is not right.  I actually would have a hard time enlisting in the military, and I would be paid a lot.  I think people think my parents are innately cool but racially dislike us or me.  I do have a younger brother.  I feel my parents didn't give us a fair chance.  He's thin with straight hair, and I'm buff with course hair.  I look more like my dad than anything.  He's just his own person.

I wonder why some white people think they can make up things about me and think I have to listen to what they say all of a sudden.  Ha!  Some of ya'll gettin' a little old there?

You know, I think other people find Asians interesting, interesting to watch and preserve, and to say WHOOPS to Eurasians as they cut them off.  "It's a small world, after all."

People, After All

Even though I am 1/2 Asian (12% real/Chinese,) I feel I have traits that are much more comfortable and appealing than many people who are all Caucasian.  I would rather be me than them.  I'm not as interested in some of what they think they have to offer.  I'm just like that.  I'm not racist.  I'm just another White person.  I share similarities with other White people, too, which I like to connect with.  I don't necessarily want to connect with mistakes of people I'm related to, as well.  I just hope for the best for everyone.  I share the same interests as minority ethnicities, as well, but I don't "lose it."

"Instant Gratification"

Not all that long ago, people used to interact and know that some things in life are about you and some aren't.  To be nice to someone, you don't need to manually say that it is also a signal for you to feel some form of sinful pleasure thinking that or else no one would ever be able to do anything. These things are not connected.  People don't figure out the truth.  They just say this because it's easy to give as a defense mechanism for their sly interests and dishonesty in life.  Why they do it must be a complicated issue.

If you are wondering how someone who does things emotionally for others gets by, that's a wonder or inquiry/question, not a time to wet yourself / emergency nor criminal justice.  It's like "the boy who cried wolf."

Do you wanna wonder why I'm over here?  I'm not going to be in the wrong in the future.  I'm collecting $200 and passing go, going straight for the Gate.  Yes, something bad will happen if I don't listen to the truth.

link

He-hey!

I'm on the toilet at the college about to go and find out about choir and at least mass!

College Choir at Church

I'm going to be in choir at church at college tomorrow night where I take community violin.

I just got outta the Saturday mass and going to 2 masses there tomorrow morning, one with choir.  They have 2 contemporary masses, one for the youth in the evening.  I played keyboard for the evening youth mass at my old church.  My favorite mass would be a traditional Sunday night mass, sometimes/likely with guitars and tambourines and piano.

I've sung in this college mass before and at my old college in a chapel, the university ministry mass.

New Blog

goddessofhades.blogspot.com