With the word..

..I just told myself why it must have come up.  I don't use that word on purpose like others did when I was growing up, their parents I heard.  I didn't really think it purposely.  That happens.  It needs to stop.  I used to think other curse words cuz I was surrounded by it at school a lot.  :(

I'm so sorry.. I hope my day goes well now.

My Kind

agrees.  I don't give a snoot about your failed lives as far as you being jealous and mean of others who have it hard themselves.  Tell about it on the internet rather than holding back or fix it you idle people!  I cared and care very much about people like this but I also believe in people who do the right thing.  You have no right..  People like me, which are not all successful at life, agree you can't just say you can hurt me all the time cuz you're jealous of my heritage and wanna say I don't deserve it for my race.

They are bothering me.  Fact.  Period.  What a waste of my life!

I mean..

..why would you do that?  I wasn't mad in particular, but I mean it was rubbing in something.  What am I supposed to do, pay?

Forgiveness

You may not forgive me, but I feel much better now but vulnerable to stimulation.

Hm..  Well, other people are mean all the time for fun.  That's very bad.  I don't know why that word was in my mind.  I don't know, I was just really hurt when they did that.  It hurt my feelings, and they used someone and something special to punish me, leaving them vulnerable in the end, "like it or not."

Weird.

I don't even get why I would do that.  Now that I think of it..

Control

I thought of what does this say, and it said something bad.  Then, they rubbed in I was not someone's daughter for some reason and then then that someone else was.  I know they are doing it to punish me.  I will not relay to this treatment.  I'm sorry I got upset, but it was the way they were bothering me.  No one does that to you.  I'll try to stay okay when I'm really mad, already.  So sorry.  I understand if I must be suspended from something.

I think it's too light of a color to try to get.  I may dye it dark tonight.  20 minutes left.

Yes

I'm dying my hair right now.  I wanted to look like my generation.  We'll see what happens.  If I get famous, I think I may dye it dark brown (like black.)  I might do that soon.

Well..

I guess just I'll keep on.  If my parents are upset, so be it.  I can try to ignore it, can't I?

Upset

Why does my mom think all of a sudden she is more European than me?

I tried to ignore the signs, but it sunk in.  I see it forms a sentence.  Not that she's more European, just what the message was.

I was pretty good.  Something made her upset.

Sorry

I was joking around about who Sarah Brightman was better at singing than.  It was a joke to my counselor.  I asked who she thought sang better.  She didn't have an answer.

She had told me that he was a greater singer than me.

My theater and speeking theater taught me singing one summer and asked if I liked Jackie Evancho, all of us having Pennsylvanian heritage.  Well, I think she sings very seriously.  As for if I met Sarah Brightman, I had thought I couldn't really see myself confronting her because she is legend and how and how much.

Hair

So, I think I am going to dye it to look like a teenager.  Then, I will add watching Ellen to my list again.  I hope it dyes over..

More Mum

I guess I should be more mum about experiences in life that are not meant for situations like this.

So

I'm sorry, I take it back.

Wale! (Well!)

I guess I should learn to accept my dad, too.  We'll see how this walk goes.  :)

Me Playing Organ/Keyboard and Singing

Whew!  2!  x0




And now it's time for a walk outside....

Very Hard

For me to just get mad and not feel viscous.  It was wrong, but I'm always much worse.  I am definitely close to better on this personal journey of mine.

Scheule

Don't count on my watching Ellen.  I will tell you when.  I don't know if I'll just pop in or if I'll tell 1st, in addition.  Hope that does not matter.

So, you can tell me..

What should I do that I'm holding back against being told?  I bet my dad wants it as a test.

Do you think I am nasty?  This is very stressful.  I don't mind if someone naturally doesn't want anything to do with me, but I don't like people tricking me and making it hard and telling me what I really wanted to mean.

I'm very sorry this did not come off right.  I don't know what to do about it.  I mean, why are things getting worse for me.  I told my mom my dad is bossy.  He gets upset..but I guess in the end just wants to have made his splash each and every day for my mom and I.

cont.

He just keeps sending out nasty messages and smiling about it to fit in in Orlando.  He ruins my relationship with others by studying me since I was little, and I find him being mean sick.

Confrontation

I do not accept what my dad did.  He is a constant distraction and awful interpreter of meaning of when I get mad and rightly so as anyone.  I calm down in the end and get bothered more for no reason.

I'll only wait to see him again today..  :(  to see what mean things he has to think, mean, yes, that's a fact, not a insult.

He lives for cheating to get on the winning side and is to hold a reserve to me.  I found he was doing something to me people aren't supposed to do last night.  He sees me and bothers me.  How will I become a performing artist now?

Sorry

I wasn't the one who did anything unless you're interpreting last night, but I hope you'll accept my apology and go on with your own life.  I do like talking to some people, but I wonder if they are frustrated about me.

Was it wrong of me to get mad at all.  I felt that sparks or something were flying.  I really think if I wanna get mad about being called the n word no one bother me.  Wait, what?  Whatever.  I was stupid no to think there was a reason..

So what?  You all are to picky if you notice I got mad about me being called something bad.  I am hearing things that are hurting me.  Did you hear what I just said?  I was just dealing with my feelings again, and people come along and hurt me more for it.  You were to not be mad about last night.  I did not mean anything bad.  It just came out that way with my parents glaring in my presence.  :(  I am not being sarcastic! for an effect, like everyone else does and ruins the American language!  The "!" is not being sarcastic, neither!  It fits.

I notice

I'm being tested.  When someone is mean to me, they "check" to see if I get upset back.  I see people on the streets with this attitude to me all too much.  What can I make of it.  I hate it.  What of people I know doing it, I figured they were copying, yet I cannot even get upset of being like humiliated.  What if people just keep going?  I see they do that.  Just have to accept it yet ignore it and it should go away.

Upset

I'll try not to get mad like that, but it's not like other people get called the n word like that.  I don't want to feel bad all day about it.  There's nothing wrong with saying so.  Why call me the n word?  I have to accept that?  Why are they harassing me about everything?  I said I'll go along, but I can't really support it other than that it may be a buffer and not really matter in and of itself..  :(  Is this some sort of joke?  If you don't like me, you don't have to concern yourself about me.  Lotta people seem to like me..which is good..  The thing is I didn't really hurt anyone nor think of it.  I was just trying to deal with it.  :(  I guess I will try to ignore it.  Sometimes, it seems it has suspicious motives.  In the end, there must be a reason, but why can't I seem to forget about it?

I figured

It was just being scared of being threatened by my dad.  So, I accepted it in the end for what is was but you know something like that?  It was a bit weird.  I guess it might be a sign of safety.  I feel as though someone could be laughing at me for things like this.  I don't know what to make of it, but I do not go along myself.  I am sorry I was so mad, but it was clean.  I didn't think of hurting anyone, I think.  Don't you think it's wrong to call someone that?  I guess it was an ice breaker.

Good Morning

So, I woke up to being called something by little noises in my house supposedly/pretending from someone, for thinking I'd be unbothered if  my dad got sick like my mom with cancer, which led me to believe I should move.

So, they called me the n word.

So Sorry

Something weird, that my dad would leave me alone if he caught cancer like my mom.

Weird Day

My dad was acting funnily and funny thoughts came up.

So..

Where are all the fans?  Shouldn't there be a roster available?

The funny thing about being the only one is that you can also be an only one.  I never wanted that.

I shouldn't say anything about all this..

It's not that interesting.

Sorry Again

I'm falling apart all over the place.  I had to say something.

I am so happy.

Most aren't.

Should  I dig into why.. it feels as though we are being judged when we are not even famous.

cont.

It seems as though your thoughts escape you.

So..

Is this interesting enough?

cont.

My problem is more global that I just wanna talk about what I see.

cont.

If this girl is so good, why not talk?

cont.

I am 28, and I am not acting rebellious.

cont.

I feel as though I am unaccepted and being mistreated.  Notice I haven't been attentive to Ellen, neither.

Weird.

So, again, does anyone know about the girl from Pembroke Pines, FL, who was born with red hair and white skin who has a Latino dad and an Italian/Irish mom and a supportive older sister named Bella Thorne?

So, what if someone else comes along who wants to be treated like her?  It seems like the rest of us are getting told down, and I hear it in the outcry.  I'm kinda in the same boat, I guess.

Bye!

Talk Talk Talk Talk - Talk Talk Talk Talk

Sorry, I had to go to sleep last night, have somewhere to go.  I think I lost it again.

From what I recall, I'm sorry I was so vicious it seemed, but I didn't mean it that way.

I do not like being tested to listen to insults, threats, and lies and not be allowed to react a little even like.  Something about it seems wrong.  xp  Duh, tho, yea.  Should not happen to people.  In some ways they are trying to help and are a low resource, though.

So, sorry.  I guess I shouldn't delete/edit it.  I could unpublish them, but I guess I technically stayed "in."

It was a thing from the past.  I just don't listen to these people.  I will report to the police a sense of any threat, like someone can't be nice to me cuz they are scared of my Gramma.  That just isn't right.  I think they want to punish me to remind me cuz other things in life await.  They weren't taking away my favorite most important things before.

It's true, I was not stupid enough to wanna break my computer, tho.  Now, I have bottled water on a little table that's next to me.  What else could happen?  :0

I'm very sorry if I was not supposed to at all talk anything out..  I think I should say something, though, about what bothered me but went too far, which is understandable, to get it right.

I think I have the right to say this and if not is for my own good and is not to be punished.

So

What can be done about old accidents?

I'm really sorry.

I can't see what I've done that's my fault.  Don't go blaming anyone.

Nite!

Readers..

What's wrong with what I said?  No, I will not accept that you called me "not crap" and "crap.."  I didn't go all out and go batshit crazy.  I was taking about things.  That's what you do for plenty of reasons.. a problem will be seen more easily, you don't have to get mad but be informative.. What a waste of time explaining this load.

Trust Me

That was real shit.  I'm talking to my blog readers and the stars in the sky.  I'm warning them about the truth.  I didn't sit here and diss them cuz I don't care..

When Punishing

You cannot take away someone's kid.

Problem

My Gramma ruined my mom's laptop.  Now, she wants to move on to my brother.  Why call or visit her?

Problem

Why do we need "shit?"

On the drive home, my dad made it feel like m***********, and I feel he's putting something there now and being all loony with it.  I thought my day with him was rather well.  Then, this?

Um, excuse me.

The water was an accident, and you were all being mean to me.  So what if it wasn't an accident?  What if there was a reason?  Nah.  It was an accident.  It was because you all were then being mean.  I'm just going thru stuff.  I don't wanna roll over in bed about this.

OK

I wanna know who this shit is for.

I wanna know.

I don't even remember what made me upset, now

Attacked

They are doing some things that get to me, I think someone g** is being selfish.  I'm just saying.  It's like I woke up at a slumber party.

I'm serious about how stupid this is.

What do you want me to bow down on the floor to you?

They keep bothering me.  Oh well, it's not anyone's mind to make up.

What did I say wrong?  Just the fact I said something stirs people up.  I didn't go out big.  I just keep begging for this to be right.  This is a bit radical and unnecessary, really.

Apology

I apologize I came off the wrong way.  I have shizophrenia, suppoedly.  I hope this doesn't stick out.  I only had a few things to touch base on.  I was apologetically explaining myself.

I don't care what anyone says.  I'm not afraid.  I don't care.  This is life.

It does seem related to what I was upset over in something of a subconscious.  Okay, they said I would not be "picked up."  Erm, I would be worried if that happens in some way.  It would give me an o*****.  I dunno, I just find that sensitive because sometimes it's a fantasy like.

Threatened

I see they strung issues together.

Just talking on my blog.. I will not listen to the secret messages.  What were they?  I don't remember.

How can I continue with people telling me what things mean and constantly blocking out the feeling.

You just have to understand these things don't effect one another.  It's something bad to fix, not something good to make worse.

I mean, I can post about it on my blog, period.  I don't care what you say in Hell.

Oh, did my writing come off as a shouting e-mail?  No, I just write that way.  I have before and still do.  I use curse words to be funny!

I just wanted to say I sense a lot of wasting of time and wondering why I can communicate this.

What did we do?

Why don't you stop being mean?

Do you think I wanted to spill water?  It just overcame me.  It didn't even really go in the holes.  Maybe, it was the 6th sense striking again.  This computer is better.

The End

Well, I don't think I'm bad.  I have goals in my ends.  I do feed off of knowing other people in high places.  I don't have many available connections, in general.

I'm getting fed up with the threats constantly for shit reasons and will not put up with this.  Why are you acting so smart alec about knowing what you think this means?

Why.. Must all mortal flesh keep silent, for God who loves you is no stranger.

This is pathetic and unheard of.  Go pick up the next buggar from the past?

Cell

I got mad with it, too, gave me something to squeeze.

My Computers

I didn't jeopardize any machine, but these things are too fragile.  The water was an accident, I was mad.  It didn't even go in the holes.  Every time I got water I had to lean over the monitor onto the other big table here in my room, the garage.

Serious Talk on Attitude

I'm not here to be laughed "at."

Going around?

What effect do you think Sarah Brightman has on me?

I am a bit fed up.. of things being so messed up.

How often do you get literally punished?

I feel as though Ellen led me to terrorizing my room.  I feel punished simply from life.

Schizo-labeled..what next?

I hit the table, not realizing it'd rattle the screen.

I spilled water where I thought there were holes on the monitor.

So, my computer is slowly breaking and I have a tablet, now.

Back

I just showered.  I used Neutrogena today.  I also own Pro-Active, my usual.  I want to try Fructis.

I just trimmed my nails short, again.  I keep them short.  I had them longer at times.  It probably works well for playing piano.  I really dig in there.

Shah were (Shower)

ItsTime.forMuhShoWer

Apology

Did I say something offensive?  I also wanted to say I did notice the flip of people being mean to me.  It's like I have no rights and I'm talking to a bunch of clowns scaring me.  I know you are wrong to get mad at me for saying this and the like.  I just was commenting on what's going on, otherwise might be dangerous in other ways.

Question

Isn't it a bother or just a fantasy that fits that we bring up non-singers for unknown reasons when there might be something about singing?

Support

She has a motley crew.

In the Way

I'm finding my life means shit.

Ellen keeps seeming mad to me.

So, I am singing, and..

..my voice is strong, but I am so much more nervous to "mess up"-

Look At-

All the teens today getting guidance.

hi

I'm uninteresting/not that interesting, but I'm talking about what's popular and goes on.

Thanks

Thanks, Tim Burton.  We all loved you, but now we're hated for being globs which are dysfunctional.

Look Around

Everyone hates this.  People have wanted me to leave Sarah Brightman alone so others "get" her.. no one has hated me for Bella, yet.

Turn Around

It's wrong to tell me I can't say that.  I don't get what I can say if she is put there like me to have something to talk about.  She should be considered my equal, wherever that will be....

There was nothing wrong with what I said because it's cruel and unusual punishment.

Movie

All the little girls and even boys take to Frozen.  They know it's all the talk to be fair in the snow.  I grew up thinking it was about being warm,

Books

I'm writing a film script with music and ballet and a book about personality types.

"The South"

All these people are considered Southern.

like

She is like Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, and Ellen DeGeneres.  People think she steals the show.

Weird.

Why are some people so sensitive about Bella Thorne?  This is racism being practiced.

I don't even know what I mean.

Interesting?

It seems a lot of my life is orchestrated according to Bella Thorne and joked if it was a joke on me.

My Singing

I want to sing, like I said.  Last time I told my mom that was 11 years ago and Dad 13.

My Goal

I want to play the organ with Sarah Brightman.

Twitter

This is out.

The scary thing is I think it isn't but in some ways I'm just too stupid to say something better.  It's just a reflection of my day.

Let's Dig

What's the result in the end is it can be racist to other celebs like singing their heart out, like Ariana Grande?  Why is she left alone and unattacked?

Well, she is nice in person, and that's about all I have to say.  People want her to be not nice to some people, too, even.  I think it is actually an accomplishment.  She can be a sweetheart/angel, too.

I feel people are telling me to like act a certain way, too.

It makes me mad people think I did unforgivable things and use things like this as a tool against me.  This doesn't happen to other innocent nor guilty people.  You can't sin to live out your racism..

"Danger Caution Warning..

..don't let lies mislead."

A lotta people really detest anyone who gets a lotta attention.  I think it's just jealousy and also sinning against others.

Jealous but Not Really

Why should it be all about this one person in this way of the world in general.  Lotta babies look like this person, sorta combined with others.  I think she is going about like a nice person but killing to be the one.  People are making her feel a bit rather overly confident, which is fine with me but maybe not good for her.  My problem with her, Bella Thorne, since I will mention her and to be informative is that she just wants to be the one and acts like she has to do it..  My biggest problem is not really a problem yet something funny/peculiar.  I just wanted to point it out.  I can't seem to satisfy myself, but I know it is inappropriate to some.  I'm not saying like change it for me in a way.. but she is made to feel like she's easily the one "in a way I 'don't like.'"  It's like people think she's better than me and use her as a tool.  I know Ellen DeGeneres does it.  She's fun and strict, but I don't think Portia is better than me, just lucky she's European..

How Your HIGH SCHOOL Was Wasted

Everything was about the people in Talented Theater.  I wanted to do musical theater in high school but outside of school real theater.  I was disappointed to see it was like a handful of people featured talking for like 2 hours.  How is that even possible?

My Hopes, Dreams, and Desires

I really hoped there would be a lot of events featuring singing, like the big Andrew Lloyd Webber convention!  It seems like they ended it like the Mickey Mouse Club but without tangible reasoning.  It's like they think it's gonna totally bomb.  Like no one in this world deserves such a simple pleasure.  They do feature things in the movie theater of that sentiment.

cont.

There were a lotta roads to walk down if you really look.  Downtown is a small town without the outskirts.

We walked a lot, especially down the walkway, a street of old buildings filled with shops and restaurants.  We would get a cookie on Fridays walking home.  We went to the oldest parish school and church.  I think the original monument was burned.

Things got modern in junior high cuz I think a girl with white hair from LA moved here.  Everything opened up with things like Titanic.

More About Me

I swore to myself I was who I was for living in Saint Augustine, FL, the nation's oldest continuing city, that it made me me.  It is preserved and old-fashioned.  We  lived downtown, technically, and closest of 2 houses to the center mark of the city downtown.  Most people, including old friends, live across the bay on an island.  We were also closest to the bay, where the fort made of shell and rock is.

The reason it was so important was it made me more European, if you understand that.

Wuzzup

So, I just sang.  4 successful recordings to listen to when I go out like 1/2 of the day of tomorrow.

I learned to play The Phantom of the Opera in less than a day.  It has some different sounds.

I am so sad about me and the Ellen show.  I watched 1/2 of Friday and walked over 2 hours today and missed Monday, Tuesday, and now today.  I had said it'd be an unpredictable week, tho.  I hope to catch up in the morning.  I need breathing room, Ellen.  I don't wanna mess something up now.  I dunno, but that came up.  I hope to get back in the swing.

I do have dreams to be a famous singer, but I am too old to be great.  What happened to Susan Boyle?  She sang with Jackie Evancho.  That is interesting because so did Sarah Brightman.

All I can say is I have wanted to be a singer a long time, but they tell you at school to work and study school stuff.  It is true that my voice used to be less refined but fresher.  I took a break at 19 and was kicked outta singing for seeming too inhibited at the end of 1 year.  I took a break to save my voice for film.

Apology

I guess my last post on my last blog wasn't so appropriate tho a leap in faith.  I hope that joke was appropriate.