Friday, November 21, 2014
Upset
I'll try not to get mad like that, but it's not like other people get called the n word like that. I don't want to feel bad all day about it. There's nothing wrong with saying so. Why call me the n word? I have to accept that? Why are they harassing me about everything? I said I'll go along, but I can't really support it other than that it may be a buffer and not really matter in and of itself.. :( Is this some sort of joke? If you don't like me, you don't have to concern yourself about me. Lotta people seem to like me..which is good.. The thing is I didn't really hurt anyone nor think of it. I was just trying to deal with it. :( I guess I will try to ignore it. Sometimes, it seems it has suspicious motives. In the end, there must be a reason, but why can't I seem to forget about it?
I figured
It was just being scared of being threatened by my dad. So, I accepted it in the end for what is was but you know something like that? It was a bit weird. I guess it might be a sign of safety. I feel as though someone could be laughing at me for things like this. I don't know what to make of it, but I do not go along myself. I am sorry I was so mad, but it was clean. I didn't think of hurting anyone, I think. Don't you think it's wrong to call someone that? I guess it was an ice breaker.
Good Morning
So, I woke up to being called something by little noises in my house supposedly/pretending from someone, for thinking I'd be unbothered if my dad got sick like my mom with cancer, which led me to believe I should move.
So, they called me the n word.
So, they called me the n word.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I am so happy.
Most aren't.
Should I dig into why.. it feels as though we are being judged when we are not even famous.
Should I dig into why.. it feels as though we are being judged when we are not even famous.
Weird.
So, again, does anyone know about the girl from Pembroke Pines, FL, who was born with red hair and white skin who has a Latino dad and an Italian/Irish mom and a supportive older sister named Bella Thorne?
So, what if someone else comes along who wants to be treated like her? It seems like the rest of us are getting told down, and I hear it in the outcry. I'm kinda in the same boat, I guess.
So, what if someone else comes along who wants to be treated like her? It seems like the rest of us are getting told down, and I hear it in the outcry. I'm kinda in the same boat, I guess.
Talk Talk Talk Talk - Talk Talk Talk Talk
Sorry, I had to go to sleep last night, have somewhere to go. I think I lost it again.
From what I recall, I'm sorry I was so vicious it seemed, but I didn't mean it that way.
I do not like being tested to listen to insults, threats, and lies and not be allowed to react a little even like. Something about it seems wrong. xp Duh, tho, yea. Should not happen to people. In some ways they are trying to help and are a low resource, though.
So, sorry. I guess I shouldn't delete/edit it. I could unpublish them, but I guess I technically stayed "in."
It was a thing from the past. I just don't listen to these people. I will report to the police a sense of any threat, like someone can't be nice to me cuz they are scared of my Gramma. That just isn't right. I think they want to punish me to remind me cuz other things in life await. They weren't taking away my favorite most important things before.
It's true, I was not stupid enough to wanna break my computer, tho. Now, I have bottled water on a little table that's next to me. What else could happen? :0
I'm very sorry if I was not supposed to at all talk anything out.. I think I should say something, though, about what bothered me but went too far, which is understandable, to get it right.
I think I have the right to say this and if not is for my own good and is not to be punished.
From what I recall, I'm sorry I was so vicious it seemed, but I didn't mean it that way.
I do not like being tested to listen to insults, threats, and lies and not be allowed to react a little even like. Something about it seems wrong. xp Duh, tho, yea. Should not happen to people. In some ways they are trying to help and are a low resource, though.
So, sorry. I guess I shouldn't delete/edit it. I could unpublish them, but I guess I technically stayed "in."
It was a thing from the past. I just don't listen to these people. I will report to the police a sense of any threat, like someone can't be nice to me cuz they are scared of my Gramma. That just isn't right. I think they want to punish me to remind me cuz other things in life await. They weren't taking away my favorite most important things before.
It's true, I was not stupid enough to wanna break my computer, tho. Now, I have bottled water on a little table that's next to me. What else could happen? :0
I'm very sorry if I was not supposed to at all talk anything out.. I think I should say something, though, about what bothered me but went too far, which is understandable, to get it right.
I think I have the right to say this and if not is for my own good and is not to be punished.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Readers..
What's wrong with what I said? No, I will not accept that you called me "not crap" and "crap.." I didn't go all out and go batshit crazy. I was taking about things. That's what you do for plenty of reasons.. a problem will be seen more easily, you don't have to get mad but be informative.. What a waste of time explaining this load.
Um, excuse me.
The water was an accident, and you were all being mean to me. So what if it wasn't an accident? What if there was a reason? Nah. It was an accident. It was because you all were then being mean. I'm just going thru stuff. I don't wanna roll over in bed about this.
I'm serious about how stupid this is.
What do you want me to bow down on the floor to you?
They keep bothering me. Oh well, it's not anyone's mind to make up.
What did I say wrong? Just the fact I said something stirs people up. I didn't go out big. I just keep begging for this to be right. This is a bit radical and unnecessary, really.
What do you want me to bow down on the floor to you?
They keep bothering me. Oh well, it's not anyone's mind to make up.
What did I say wrong? Just the fact I said something stirs people up. I didn't go out big. I just keep begging for this to be right. This is a bit radical and unnecessary, really.
Apology
I apologize I came off the wrong way. I have shizophrenia, suppoedly. I hope this doesn't stick out. I only had a few things to touch base on. I was apologetically explaining myself.
I don't care what anyone says. I'm not afraid. I don't care. This is life.
It does seem related to what I was upset over in something of a subconscious. Okay, they said I would not be "picked up." Erm, I would be worried if that happens in some way. It would give me an o*****. I dunno, I just find that sensitive because sometimes it's a fantasy like.
I don't care what anyone says. I'm not afraid. I don't care. This is life.
It does seem related to what I was upset over in something of a subconscious. Okay, they said I would not be "picked up." Erm, I would be worried if that happens in some way. It would give me an o*****. I dunno, I just find that sensitive because sometimes it's a fantasy like.
Threatened
I see they strung issues together.
Just talking on my blog.. I will not listen to the secret messages. What were they? I don't remember.
How can I continue with people telling me what things mean and constantly blocking out the feeling.
You just have to understand these things don't effect one another. It's something bad to fix, not something good to make worse.
I mean, I can post about it on my blog, period. I don't care what you say in Hell.
Oh, did my writing come off as a shouting e-mail? No, I just write that way. I have before and still do. I use curse words to be funny!
I just wanted to say I sense a lot of wasting of time and wondering why I can communicate this.
Just talking on my blog.. I will not listen to the secret messages. What were they? I don't remember.
How can I continue with people telling me what things mean and constantly blocking out the feeling.
You just have to understand these things don't effect one another. It's something bad to fix, not something good to make worse.
I mean, I can post about it on my blog, period. I don't care what you say in Hell.
Oh, did my writing come off as a shouting e-mail? No, I just write that way. I have before and still do. I use curse words to be funny!
I just wanted to say I sense a lot of wasting of time and wondering why I can communicate this.
What did we do?
Why don't you stop being mean?
Do you think I wanted to spill water? It just overcame me. It didn't even really go in the holes. Maybe, it was the 6th sense striking again. This computer is better.
Do you think I wanted to spill water? It just overcame me. It didn't even really go in the holes. Maybe, it was the 6th sense striking again. This computer is better.
I'm getting fed up with the threats constantly for shit reasons and will not put up with this. Why are you acting so smart alec about knowing what you think this means?
Why.. Must all mortal flesh keep silent, for God who loves you is no stranger.
This is pathetic and unheard of. Go pick up the next buggar from the past?
Why.. Must all mortal flesh keep silent, for God who loves you is no stranger.
This is pathetic and unheard of. Go pick up the next buggar from the past?
My Computers
I didn't jeopardize any machine, but these things are too fragile. The water was an accident, I was mad. It didn't even go in the holes. Every time I got water I had to lean over the monitor onto the other big table here in my room, the garage.
Going around?
What effect do you think Sarah Brightman has on me?
I am a bit fed up.. of things being so messed up.
I am a bit fed up.. of things being so messed up.
How often do you get literally punished?
I feel as though Ellen led me to terrorizing my room. I feel punished simply from life.
Schizo-labeled..what next?
I hit the table, not realizing it'd rattle the screen.
I spilled water where I thought there were holes on the monitor.
So, my computer is slowly breaking and I have a tablet, now.
I spilled water where I thought there were holes on the monitor.
So, my computer is slowly breaking and I have a tablet, now.
Apology
Did I say something offensive? I also wanted to say I did notice the flip of people being mean to me. It's like I have no rights and I'm talking to a bunch of clowns scaring me. I know you are wrong to get mad at me for saying this and the like. I just was commenting on what's going on, otherwise might be dangerous in other ways.
Look Around
Everyone hates this. People have wanted me to leave Sarah Brightman alone so others "get" her.. no one has hated me for Bella, yet.
Turn Around
It's wrong to tell me I can't say that. I don't get what I can say if she is put there like me to have something to talk about. She should be considered my equal, wherever that will be....
Interesting?
It seems a lot of my life is orchestrated according to Bella Thorne and joked if it was a joke on me.
This is out.
The scary thing is I think it isn't but in some ways I'm just too stupid to say something better. It's just a reflection of my day.
Let's Dig
What's the result in the end is it can be racist to other celebs like singing their heart out, like Ariana Grande? Why is she left alone and unattacked?
Well, she is nice in person, and that's about all I have to say. People want her to be not nice to some people, too, even. I think it is actually an accomplishment. She can be a sweetheart/angel, too.
I feel people are telling me to like act a certain way, too.
It makes me mad people think I did unforgivable things and use things like this as a tool against me. This doesn't happen to other innocent nor guilty people. You can't sin to live out your racism..
Well, she is nice in person, and that's about all I have to say. People want her to be not nice to some people, too, even. I think it is actually an accomplishment. She can be a sweetheart/angel, too.
I feel people are telling me to like act a certain way, too.
It makes me mad people think I did unforgivable things and use things like this as a tool against me. This doesn't happen to other innocent nor guilty people. You can't sin to live out your racism..
"Danger Caution Warning..
..don't let lies mislead."
A lotta people really detest anyone who gets a lotta attention. I think it's just jealousy and also sinning against others.
A lotta people really detest anyone who gets a lotta attention. I think it's just jealousy and also sinning against others.
Jealous but Not Really
Why should it be all about this one person in this way of the world in general. Lotta babies look like this person, sorta combined with others. I think she is going about like a nice person but killing to be the one. People are making her feel a bit rather overly confident, which is fine with me but maybe not good for her. My problem with her, Bella Thorne, since I will mention her and to be informative is that she just wants to be the one and acts like she has to do it.. My biggest problem is not really a problem yet something funny/peculiar. I just wanted to point it out. I can't seem to satisfy myself, but I know it is inappropriate to some. I'm not saying like change it for me in a way.. but she is made to feel like she's easily the one "in a way I 'don't like.'" It's like people think she's better than me and use her as a tool. I know Ellen DeGeneres does it. She's fun and strict, but I don't think Portia is better than me, just lucky she's European..
How Your HIGH SCHOOL Was Wasted
Everything was about the people in Talented Theater. I wanted to do musical theater in high school but outside of school real theater. I was disappointed to see it was like a handful of people featured talking for like 2 hours. How is that even possible?
My Hopes, Dreams, and Desires
I really hoped there would be a lot of events featuring singing, like the big Andrew Lloyd Webber convention! It seems like they ended it like the Mickey Mouse Club but without tangible reasoning. It's like they think it's gonna totally bomb. Like no one in this world deserves such a simple pleasure. They do feature things in the movie theater of that sentiment.
cont.
There were a lotta roads to walk down if you really look. Downtown is a small town without the outskirts.
We walked a lot, especially down the walkway, a street of old buildings filled with shops and restaurants. We would get a cookie on Fridays walking home. We went to the oldest parish school and church. I think the original monument was burned.
Things got modern in junior high cuz I think a girl with white hair from LA moved here. Everything opened up with things like Titanic.
We walked a lot, especially down the walkway, a street of old buildings filled with shops and restaurants. We would get a cookie on Fridays walking home. We went to the oldest parish school and church. I think the original monument was burned.
Things got modern in junior high cuz I think a girl with white hair from LA moved here. Everything opened up with things like Titanic.
More About Me
I swore to myself I was who I was for living in Saint Augustine, FL, the nation's oldest continuing city, that it made me me. It is preserved and old-fashioned. We lived downtown, technically, and closest of 2 houses to the center mark of the city downtown. Most people, including old friends, live across the bay on an island. We were also closest to the bay, where the fort made of shell and rock is.
The reason it was so important was it made me more European, if you understand that.
The reason it was so important was it made me more European, if you understand that.
Wuzzup
So, I just sang. 4 successful recordings to listen to when I go out like 1/2 of the day of tomorrow.
I learned to play The Phantom of the Opera in less than a day. It has some different sounds.
I am so sad about me and the Ellen show. I watched 1/2 of Friday and walked over 2 hours today and missed Monday, Tuesday, and now today. I had said it'd be an unpredictable week, tho. I hope to catch up in the morning. I need breathing room, Ellen. I don't wanna mess something up now. I dunno, but that came up. I hope to get back in the swing.
I do have dreams to be a famous singer, but I am too old to be great. What happened to Susan Boyle? She sang with Jackie Evancho. That is interesting because so did Sarah Brightman.
All I can say is I have wanted to be a singer a long time, but they tell you at school to work and study school stuff. It is true that my voice used to be less refined but fresher. I took a break at 19 and was kicked outta singing for seeming too inhibited at the end of 1 year. I took a break to save my voice for film.
I learned to play The Phantom of the Opera in less than a day. It has some different sounds.
I am so sad about me and the Ellen show. I watched 1/2 of Friday and walked over 2 hours today and missed Monday, Tuesday, and now today. I had said it'd be an unpredictable week, tho. I hope to catch up in the morning. I need breathing room, Ellen. I don't wanna mess something up now. I dunno, but that came up. I hope to get back in the swing.
I do have dreams to be a famous singer, but I am too old to be great. What happened to Susan Boyle? She sang with Jackie Evancho. That is interesting because so did Sarah Brightman.
All I can say is I have wanted to be a singer a long time, but they tell you at school to work and study school stuff. It is true that my voice used to be less refined but fresher. I took a break at 19 and was kicked outta singing for seeming too inhibited at the end of 1 year. I took a break to save my voice for film.
I know what's perplexing me.
Why are people like poking a stick in my face wondering if I do like someone I like and them getting attention?
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
People are bugging me all day.
Do I have to like get away? I can't do that. We share a kitchen and people invade my privacy!
I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE
I have my private life, too. You're making me appear all tacky.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING BACK? YOU WERE MEAN TO ME. I DO NOT ACCEPT IT. WHAT'S MY MOM DOING? WHY SHOULD I EVEN CARE TO APOLOGIZE? I WAS BEING BUZZED.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING BACK? YOU WERE MEAN TO ME. I DO NOT ACCEPT IT. WHAT'S MY MOM DOING? WHY SHOULD I EVEN CARE TO APOLOGIZE? I WAS BEING BUZZED.
I didn't go too far.
I got over it, and I'm tired of these people. Don't take it the wrong way.. It was just a buffer cuz I sat down to eat and I guess I was tired or something and wasn't thinking. I guess I was wrong to kid with that word in my head. I really didn't mean it literally. I grew up with people using that word a lot. Their parents.
Well
Now what? I tried to hard to put myself in the right mood.
What do you think about Sarah Brightman? She must be tired.
It's been a long and tumultuous day. I even made all the supper we have.
I don't know why but sometimes I do weird things, but I never emotionally even attacked someone.
I figured I needed to not deny the truth. Why not put the cards on the table? Does my dad have to touch me when he drives?
What do you think about Sarah Brightman? She must be tired.
It's been a long and tumultuous day. I even made all the supper we have.
I don't know why but sometimes I do weird things, but I never emotionally even attacked someone.
I figured I needed to not deny the truth. Why not put the cards on the table? Does my dad have to touch me when he drives?
Why I Am Not Like My Dad
I am a young girl?
He's not like me in a lot of ways. He does things that would not be as attractive on me.
He's not like me in a lot of ways. He does things that would not be as attractive on me.
Help!
They kept having my mom act nasty towards me and it made me upset and lose it in my thoughts. I said the k word about having my dad make me feel him. Like when he drives. My mom just glared bemusedly at me. I meant it as an aside, like not really that word, but I lost it. I changed right after though and learned a new way to cope, by ignoring.
Does anyone wanna talk this out?
Someone died from my high school, and I can't help but wonder though it makes sense otherwise that the people experimenting on me are telling people when to kill themselves just to make me feel bad. Like, they take people I look up to and say they said when to kill them and why.
So, something else came up, like you take people for being popular but mean or just more fortunate socially but not otherwise in certain ways at least.. whom also must be mixed race with a few drops of blood.. that they can be adored by famous people but me being sorta famous where I live can't. I was only a teenager. I was more than just a person, I was an artist. It must be nice to be a real person.
So, something else came up, like you take people for being popular but mean or just more fortunate socially but not otherwise in certain ways at least.. whom also must be mixed race with a few drops of blood.. that they can be adored by famous people but me being sorta famous where I live can't. I was only a teenager. I was more than just a person, I was an artist. It must be nice to be a real person.
Me Nice
I never really attack anyone, but it seems when I mean something else people take away the specifications needed in the definition and say I did something mean and wouldn't even let me say, "Oh, sorry, I don't mean it/anymore." As to what came up is better left unsaid. It's not in every way necessary to begin with. I just was wondering why all the time, people say I "said something" it feels. They used to all say I was sweet, nice, smart, friendly, and as always shy for whatever reason. I'm just more refined in certain ways to myself.. It just seemed like something, so I thought I'd take liberty to point it out. And, if I did something, and say it was on purpose, which I can't see myself doing but can see it being interpreted that way actually.. so how do we make these bad possibilities better.. hm. Some people just sorta put you up to the ledge and not ever go into methods of prevention and understanding. It's not like someone said do such and such and remember and then that's how it usually goes.
What of what made me think to write this? They know! Well, it seems they want me in jail just to teach me a lesson for being good all the time, which doesn't make sense. You actually came into my home and told me I was incompatible with my parents and others. People don't usually come into my home and just see me alone, quite, polite, and doing my work at school at then. So, what of home? My dad greets me in an uncomfortable way, like I have to be fat like him and not skinny like my mom. He said hi kinda like a teddy bear. I've seen other people/person think so, too, viciously, like I have to be like my dad in ways that don't seem compatible to me. It's the same with my mom.
What of what made me think to write this? They know! Well, it seems they want me in jail just to teach me a lesson for being good all the time, which doesn't make sense. You actually came into my home and told me I was incompatible with my parents and others. People don't usually come into my home and just see me alone, quite, polite, and doing my work at school at then. So, what of home? My dad greets me in an uncomfortable way, like I have to be fat like him and not skinny like my mom. He said hi kinda like a teddy bear. I've seen other people/person think so, too, viciously, like I have to be like my dad in ways that don't seem compatible to me. It's the same with my mom.
Does it hurt your feelings more..
..to be reprimanded for little things people track down in your head or if it's something that you actually did, like messed up a room or something or was acting too wildly in a certain situation?
College
I just checked out Juilliard, but I don't know if I'd make it. I know 3 other conservatories, and one I studied organ at.. think I want to try. If you've heard of it, it's Oberlin, "organ heaven."
I checked out the community college, no running, and UCF has running.
I don't know know what's up with the forcing you to sing a certain way in college. That might make me not go. I wonder if private teachers teach at a high enough level. I almost got stuck in private lessons, but the teacher was a theater and speaking person. She seems to just teach in the summer, if that still.
Singing on my own seems to have been working. I'm not sure what the outside help might be, maybe watching Sarah Brightman's concert tour.
I wish I could run on a team. I seem so lazy in exercise on my own. I used to want to do it that way. I thought it would make me more civilized, like boot camp. It does come and go.
I dunno, we'll see, I guess. Maybe, Wednesday, I can make some calls.
I am mostly worried about laundry. I'll have my PJs, exercise clothes, and regular. I'll have to mail an ironing board. I used to hang them up but guess I can in my closet. I'm getting myself into that mindset. I can use those vacuumed plastic bags when I bring my clothes.
In a way, I think practicing at home will work better and I can try again for an agent.. :/
I checked out the community college, no running, and UCF has running.
I don't know know what's up with the forcing you to sing a certain way in college. That might make me not go. I wonder if private teachers teach at a high enough level. I almost got stuck in private lessons, but the teacher was a theater and speaking person. She seems to just teach in the summer, if that still.
Singing on my own seems to have been working. I'm not sure what the outside help might be, maybe watching Sarah Brightman's concert tour.
I wish I could run on a team. I seem so lazy in exercise on my own. I used to want to do it that way. I thought it would make me more civilized, like boot camp. It does come and go.
I dunno, we'll see, I guess. Maybe, Wednesday, I can make some calls.
I am mostly worried about laundry. I'll have my PJs, exercise clothes, and regular. I'll have to mail an ironing board. I used to hang them up but guess I can in my closet. I'm getting myself into that mindset. I can use those vacuumed plastic bags when I bring my clothes.
In a way, I think practicing at home will work better and I can try again for an agent.. :/
Monday, November 17, 2014
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