..they are ruining my life by judging me, also in private, but others are free to live it. That's something that's in my subconscious, I guess. They are treating me very badly, and they get mad if I live a little.
Another thing is I'm 29 and grew up cool with everyone, well-behaved. As an adult, I feel attacked for my mixed race, sheltered in a bubble but watched and poked at.
What can I do when I see people just trash me?.. *brain sleep*
I don't know what people want but see it's bad. Should I avoid them? The thing is they are kinda getting in my life with this experiment. Should I wonder what they want from me? Why can't I be like everyone else and just be good now? I know I lost my temper in a way with all the mean secret messages. It was more of an accident. It's sad, I can't visit my grandma, if I avoid her because things "happen" tho I didn't expect it. No one is helping me deal with how mean people are to me. Don't tell me to get a good cry, cuz they'd snap at me in the experiment or have already. You know, that probably makes it so I'd cry in a way I don't like.. I already have a therapist!
It's like it's confirmed if I think I matter I'm worthless. I don't need "Ellen DeGeneres," but I can talk to people! if it's not my family, too! That's what I'm doing right now. I talk to them about what I talk to them about.
This has gone on way too long. At least one stage started at 21, when I went online, or 20.
Just giving the 411. No offense to anyone. Hoping to contrapt a solution. In advance.