I'm tired of going around having people bark at me for privately hitting things and screaming in my room. I really don't like being in trouble for any particle of dust of thought.
Am I supposed to even write more to "explain myself" and explore? Am I to sit here totally silent? People are indefinitely being lame to me for my bad week.
I don't think I had anything against anyone.
I know this is just picking at me for a kick.
What's the big deal?
Is this just another button to press for you about me?? I see Bella Thorne being perfectly happy, except she's not watching what's on Ellen.. but just because I watch Ellen and post about it online people think they can be mean to me, but that's actually a separate issue.
I don't know what you'll make of me ending up extending this post. I don't mean anyone any harm.
Something else happen that forks an afterthought. So, I was in the kitchen and my dad strongly acted like he said I was "shit." I was upset and the thought of hitting him with my cup came, and there are more details.
He also had his fingers behind his back and twiddled them, one hand. What could that actually mean? It sucks being here. If he k***s my mom with cancer, I'm movin' out. I think he's saying he's smarter, but he's not. I've lived with him, that stick on a log. I did want to encourage him, but that's how he comes out.
The purpose of this post was not to attack but to say I noticed this is getting out of hand. Maybe, not. Maybe, it will go away soon for me and if for anyone else.. I know some people think it's good I hit stuff and screamed because I was being attacked. Why should I be expected to remain sane? I'm not sure how I put this, but I said that Ellen for freaking me out with noises in my room or whoever that the feeling to curse is natural and does not stop.. I said I didn't do it, tho, but I didn't understand why I couldn't do it. All my dad would do is say I was shit in secret and stuff.
So, the big question is what of that? Well, you should not curse at people. If they put you in danger, that might happen, tho. The people experimenting on me get physical and just inject things, noises, etc., that bother me. It makes me wanna hit things and scream. I am not the monkey.. Is that point even accepted, that I'm not a monkey?
I'm still freaked out and should not be expected to apologize but do, anyway, to anyone for anything. I think you all should get on the ball and figure out it's not okay. Hope you are smart enough to know the alternative. Most people wouldn't. I am not mad at anyone, otherwise..
So, what are you gonna do with the base of the population disagreeing with your freaking me out thinking it's productive to call me "shit?" What's wrong with this, now? Just the appearance of the word "shit?" This is being used at last resort! It's too common a definition that exists. At a last resort.
So, yes, I apologize if I made anyone upset. I guess my other point is what can I do? Things are gone wrong. My parents take me somewhere tomorrow, an appointment.. I hope nothing happens. What can I do to stay like I am, now?
I think this post mainly got long because I said I thought I should feel free to curse about and unfortunately technically even at whoever put the noises in my room. I figured that was debatable to them.
So, over, for now? My blog is filled with problems! D: (I realize the smiley might seem inappropriate, but I think I've gone over that barrier)
So, sorry? I'll try to post better posts? I might go back to bed, now, too, in fact. I'll wake up and at least watch The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I watched some other things this morning.
You know, though, I don't see things as getting better. I might, but others should not drag me down somehow. The thing is there is supposed to be a service there for others to you. I guess in Florida, it's not like other places. It's not supposed to be like throwing yourself all over someone. You greet people and find out who they are and what they are like. Then, if they are worthy you give them a more servile attitude or helping attitude. It's about trying to make people comfortable and good. I find this is not true in my life. I always feel so stressed, and this is probably bad for you. It's worrying about something you post online to people like in this place, who can do things like segregate you.
So, what should I do if I don't see that things are getting better? I did not mean to act like hitting my dad with a cup, but it's one of those things. I am not eating with them, now, but usually do. I ate before. My therapist and psychiatrist don't do much. The Hope Line expects me to help myself. I didn't do it, and I didn't mean to do it. I don't like them reaching out like that and then insulting me. I can't even react in private here. "They know what they're doing." They follow me carefully, like they knew they insulted me. They are going crazy thinking I could get mad but not other people.
x0