Did you know that since they started spying on me and other things from my past that aren't very bad compared to others.. that I can't seem to shrug off the guilt. I'm worried cuz I can't even go to confession cuz it's not cuz they're really sins but still matter.
I had a hard time thinking for some reason. I know I lost it when I was kicked out of what I was doing in music after a year at a choice college with a high scholarship. I was lied to about what I would do being spied on and it was like I didn't matter and was interrupted and had a hard time thinking for myself. I felt hypnotized to do some things and lost it when I was overly lonely with I felt for some reason nowhere to go and nothing to do that would do anything for me.
It seems they think since I'm so good that like I know my dad wants worse things to happen to me so that it will have an affect on my conscience, when what I did was not illegal, a sin, nor that bad.. nor fully covered in the Bible.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Question
What if we just keep making young people who are not born in 1997/1998 with Late Boom parents feel and be worse and worse? What is wrong? I know your parents's birth years are actually important. What if my mom is born in 1959 and I was born in Generation X? What can be done? ..and I act like my mom's age in ways.
Hm.. points for me.
Why are people going into my home and telling me I don't get treated like I'm good?
Thoughts
Someone is not in check in the world/US/Orlando.. tho I think in Orlando I know they are trying. Not to say they'd need it more than others.
I don't want people to tell them bad things about them, too.
Has anyone masturbated over this for any reason?
I mean, this person is not really a public figure in that way. It happened underground thru telepathy between those of similar racial dispositions.
I don't want people to tell them bad things about them, too.
Has anyone masturbated over this for any reason?
I mean, this person is not really a public figure in that way. It happened underground thru telepathy between those of similar racial dispositions.
cont.
I know! That's a good one. That's just throwing away people.
It seems someone was always there for others, like Late Boomers had a lot of support from whatever their parents were to them. It's not impossible to do it again for other generations. What about kids today? I guess they have some improvements, tho not if you're labeled Autistic.
Why do people get offended if I have needs, like if I say I am unwantedly labeled a paranoid schizo? Late Boomers do that? They don't do that about their younger kids. What's so good about it, anyway? the kids born around 1997/1998, when fancier computers, or good affordable PC's with their features basically, and Titanic came out. I never realized it that way until this moment.
It seems someone was always there for others, like Late Boomers had a lot of support from whatever their parents were to them. It's not impossible to do it again for other generations. What about kids today? I guess they have some improvements, tho not if you're labeled Autistic.
Why do people get offended if I have needs, like if I say I am unwantedly labeled a paranoid schizo? Late Boomers do that? They don't do that about their younger kids. What's so good about it, anyway? the kids born around 1997/1998, when fancier computers, or good affordable PC's with their features basically, and Titanic came out. I never realized it that way until this moment.
What?
I've lost my college major where I had a prestigious scholarship.
Is Hillary more important than me?
It's been 11 years. Then, they were spying on me in private and started telling me it. Do you think Hillary needs a break like they say I do? I thought a lot of people needed breaks. I don't know if that means quitting.
Is Hillary more important than me?
It's been 11 years. Then, they were spying on me in private and started telling me it. Do you think Hillary needs a break like they say I do? I thought a lot of people needed breaks. I don't know if that means quitting.
Problem? *raises eyebrows*
If they said it was okay, then why is there a problem with what I talk about cuz I have my own problems here?
You may have done something, but that was because of another problem. I just realized that you can't get dizzy from a split decision in front of the world cuz that doesn't say much alone itself. So, I wonder.
You may have done something, but that was because of another problem. I just realized that you can't get dizzy from a split decision in front of the world cuz that doesn't say much alone itself. So, I wonder.
So then.. what can we do?
This person probably is "ruined" for me and I can't "fix" it. Well, I can do anything, in a way, so we'll see.
Don't say it's not true cuz I saw what just happened. Whatever just happened, happened.
Pitch Perfect 2 quote and speaker, highlight for spoilers: "Let us have it, let them have it, let the world have it!" That's by the Green Bay Packers.
You know, this is like a story I read in school, highlight for spoilers: The Poisonwood Bible, and it was a favorite of mine. It's like in Africa, a white family, and the youngest girl is so affected by her sick mom and wastes away, a blonde with maybe curly hair, and she dies from a snakebite and she talks in the end of her life saying she's the eyes in the tree..
💚
Don't say it's not true cuz I saw what just happened. Whatever just happened, happened.
Pitch Perfect 2 quote and speaker, highlight for spoilers: "Let us have it, let them have it, let the world have it!" That's by the Green Bay Packers.
You know, this is like a story I read in school, highlight for spoilers: The Poisonwood Bible, and it was a favorite of mine. It's like in Africa, a white family, and the youngest girl is so affected by her sick mom and wastes away, a blonde with maybe curly hair, and she dies from a snakebite and she talks in the end of her life saying she's the eyes in the tree..
💚
Heh Heh Heh
Funny people wonder if I'm okay, like someone else I like, but I kinda like how things were before, in some ways, concerning someone else I like, who said things were really all groovy already. How has this craze positively affected anyone, joking I'm no longer important cuz I did some bad things that weren't? If things were okay, how is it okay now too?
Monday, November 28, 2016
What Happened Instead
or to you "What Didn't Happen Anyway"
Supposedly, I am helped out for supposedly (like comforted cuz it was unintentional, not really my fault, and hard to take the *brunt of) changing the Presidency, but instead things got worse for me. I just noticed this one joke just now.
*brunt - the worst part or chief impact of a specified thing. (link)
Supposedly, I am helped out for supposedly (like comforted cuz it was unintentional, not really my fault, and hard to take the *brunt of) changing the Presidency, but instead things got worse for me. I just noticed this one joke just now.
*brunt - the worst part or chief impact of a specified thing. (link)
Talking About Important Feelings
Why are people uncomfortable talking about how they like Johnny Depp?
Heh Heh Heh
Funny.
There's one person I like people find problems with, but I don't mind whatever those things are in the end.
Someone else, I just think they're not really a problem, compare them to others.
There's one person I like people find problems with, but I don't mind whatever those things are in the end.
Someone else, I just think they're not really a problem, compare them to others.
Foils
Why would someone only be happy if others don't do breakthru things if they are not part of their generation, older or baby to them? I mean like wearing old-fashioned clothes. Did you know people felt more long ago maybe? It's a big thing. They didn't have pop music, tho, I guess. *bump bump* 😊
Is something wrong?
Why should we go thru this, the nostalgia of getting attention etc., as I've been going into some lately and getting to focus on?
I just feel the opposite was sorta what was on the program.
I mean, yea it's fine, but is something strange? I don't think people even know why it happened.
😰
I just feel the opposite was sorta what was on the program.
I mean, yea it's fine, but is something strange? I don't think people even know why it happened.
😰
Being "Overly" Stimulated
Why would people be more easily stimulated if they're born into a popular generation?
Problems Problems
They said people I like are giving me problems and turning into *problems so no one can cope with me.
*I don't mean to offend anyone in saying this in this way. I'm just stating something, something that is.
*I don't mean to offend anyone in saying this in this way. I'm just stating something, something that is.
Well, I almost made it!
I think I'll have to fold the rest of my laundry hopefully by tomorrow. That's all for now, tho.
How Different Races Feel
Well, Germans and the Irish are similar in that they like deep, serious feelings and have good music provided to the world. 😊
Why?
Why are people so excited to make an adult older than me immatured? I don't think they are achieving, anyway. If so, I wonder if it is accompanied with a feeling of really using someone, me, to maim emotionally and psychiatrically feeling-wise. You know, I don't matter so much as a person in some ways, but people are pushing the envelope.
What It's Like Being 1/2 Asian 1/2 Germanic
I was thinking about being 1/2 Asian and 1/2 White. I know I get dizzy feelings without being tingly at all. It's more like air and thin cartilage in a climate with warmth.
Huh huh, you know I was getting some hope in my life in some regards, but a lot of that I was said to be undeserving of, like there are too many people.
Huh huh, you know I was getting some hope in my life in some regards, but a lot of that I was said to be undeserving of, like there are too many people.
Took a Walk
Other than that excursion, listening to music, out for 3 hours, more laundry!
I think I just have a bunch of blankets to wash now and more of my clothes to fold.
My brother will be here tomorrow! I think he might live with us. He's in his mid-20's with his Masters.
I think I just have a bunch of blankets to wash now and more of my clothes to fold.
My brother will be here tomorrow! I think he might live with us. He's in his mid-20's with his Masters.
Making Food From Scratch
I love making my own food as much as I can. I want to grow it, too. Fertilizer, fertilizer! Water, water! I may even play it music and sing for it!
I made lemonade! This is my 1st time I remember. I did it myself with a squeezing tool. Wow, so a batch of lemons for what I had, a little "pitcher?" A lot of it is already gone!
🍹
I made lemonade! This is my 1st time I remember. I did it myself with a squeezing tool. Wow, so a batch of lemons for what I had, a little "pitcher?" A lot of it is already gone!
🍹
Why I Talk About Generations
I talk about generations for the love but partly because I don't have it good or okay in that way. If it doesn't matter for me, why would it matter for someone else?
It doesn't have to involve anyone having to talk to me, but I guess I'd figure in some way it would in situations. I mean, I know people supposedly need people to talk to. Sometimes, other generations are interested in me, and sometimes they are not. So..
It doesn't have to involve anyone having to talk to me, but I guess I'd figure in some way it would in situations. I mean, I know people supposedly need people to talk to. Sometimes, other generations are interested in me, and sometimes they are not. So..
Being Aroused by Others
I lost my "sexual" feelings for others in ways that may be good. I feel pressure about other important things in other relationships being tested by many/all people in the world but in a way that arouses certain people or the one they are talking about in some way we don't know.
Why would someone who gave a care for me be okay stimulated not to care about me? Like the question comes up, and you have to say yes do it and it doesn't really make them feel more stimulated anyway. It is probably connected in some way that doesn't matter.
Why would someone who gave a care for me be okay stimulated not to care about me? Like the question comes up, and you have to say yes do it and it doesn't really make them feel more stimulated anyway. It is probably connected in some way that doesn't matter.
Destroying Me, Like That Matters
People are destroying my relationship and esteem as a person and then wondering why I don't have one.
They just take anything they can and take big things away from it in my life. It has to do with love but not the kinds you're probably thinking like mushy stuff or things to do with sexual intercourse etc. Like taking a cigarette from a person with lung cancer or candy from a little kid.
People got mad that I experienced feelings about my life with someone. See, that's other people saying they can do anything to ruin my life if they want, like they have a remote control. Instead, they made it so they want to spend time talking how the person will experience more of being at the *center themselves cuz they wanted to love me. I don't think these problems existed from the looks of it. They have not come up with many conclusions. They must have experienced something pretty catastrophic for themselves, like they killed someone I needed more than a mother as a baby or a lot in a different way, something about them that once existed. The other problem is that it's not important I have it in a way, so no one will care.
People are also superstitious about me talking about something everyone else does but with the opposing view.
*I just mean that I had a certain kind of situation that was taken for not deserving of me. It's complicated, but I do not mean to offend.
They just take anything they can and take big things away from it in my life. It has to do with love but not the kinds you're probably thinking like mushy stuff or things to do with sexual intercourse etc. Like taking a cigarette from a person with lung cancer or candy from a little kid.
People got mad that I experienced feelings about my life with someone. See, that's other people saying they can do anything to ruin my life if they want, like they have a remote control. Instead, they made it so they want to spend time talking how the person will experience more of being at the *center themselves cuz they wanted to love me. I don't think these problems existed from the looks of it. They have not come up with many conclusions. They must have experienced something pretty catastrophic for themselves, like they killed someone I needed more than a mother as a baby or a lot in a different way, something about them that once existed. The other problem is that it's not important I have it in a way, so no one will care.
People are also superstitious about me talking about something everyone else does but with the opposing view.
*I just mean that I had a certain kind of situation that was taken for not deserving of me. It's complicated, but I do not mean to offend.
The Root of My Current Problem Level
It seems like people are actually, truthfully, especially mean to me because Ellen DeGeneres thinks I am bad (mostly for cursing on my blog about hurtful, illegal noises she put in my room for a long time and still) and that people should offend me and hurt me socially and emotionally somehow. They are sick people and can think up ways, no matter how weird and off.
If Ellen DeGeneres reads this, she'll probably sum it up as an insult, but I'm just saying what it is. She says what it is. I am not mad at her and think she's a good person compared to most people. You know, she may not admit it, but she also just does it to tame the crowd, which I could care less about.
If Ellen DeGeneres reads this, she'll probably sum it up as an insult, but I'm just saying what it is. She says what it is. I am not mad at her and think she's a good person compared to most people. You know, she may not admit it, but she also just does it to tame the crowd, which I could care less about.
I've been catching.
If I act a different way sometime, people say I'm not a real person, anymore.
If a Late Boomer did it, it'd be worshiped like God.
I will not trust these people who think these things. They know they did it to hurt and insult me socially. They don't care. I know they just forgot.
If a Late Boomer did it, it'd be worshiped like God.
I will not trust these people who think these things. They know they did it to hurt and insult me socially. They don't care. I know they just forgot.
Something Weird
You would throw away Generation XY for Late Boomers and their Generation Z children born around 1997 and 1998. However, when you talk about Early/Mid Boomers, you throw away Late Boomers showing love and affection for Generation XY.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Nite Again
I went to the 2 morning masses today. We have a busy schedule for church in the coming 2 weeks. I plan to attend.
After I exercised and stuff, I found I was 5'1" at the end of the day. At the beginning with a good night's rest, I was over 5'3".
I'm feeling better after the masses. I am watching people around me to see how they feel for a thermometer, to gauge how I feel about things, rather than waiting for someone to help.
I have a lotta laundry tomorrow.
I was a bit tired some of today. I have to remember to ignore people when I don't know how to react and they make distracting noises that probably channel the bad words in my mind. I know alone it generally doesn't go that way. I don't have time to think and don't decide. I am getting better. I just go in with a happy face and nothing bad happens. If someone hurts you, you just keep going and tell yourself it's alright. I need to learn to ignore some things that hurt, tho, cuz I dunno how to react.
Sometimes, I feel people are just out to get me.
I'm too tired to do much more. I don't have many more thoughts, with the energy to recollect and disperse.
So, bed, breakfast, maybe a jog for my exercise, more breakfast, a shower, fold towels and clothes, watch and hang clothes. I think I got it.
~ * ~
After I exercised and stuff, I found I was 5'1" at the end of the day. At the beginning with a good night's rest, I was over 5'3".
I'm feeling better after the masses. I am watching people around me to see how they feel for a thermometer, to gauge how I feel about things, rather than waiting for someone to help.
I have a lotta laundry tomorrow.
I was a bit tired some of today. I have to remember to ignore people when I don't know how to react and they make distracting noises that probably channel the bad words in my mind. I know alone it generally doesn't go that way. I don't have time to think and don't decide. I am getting better. I just go in with a happy face and nothing bad happens. If someone hurts you, you just keep going and tell yourself it's alright. I need to learn to ignore some things that hurt, tho, cuz I dunno how to react.
Sometimes, I feel people are just out to get me.
I'm too tired to do much more. I don't have many more thoughts, with the energy to recollect and disperse.
So, bed, breakfast, maybe a jog for my exercise, more breakfast, a shower, fold towels and clothes, watch and hang clothes. I think I got it.
~ * ~
I wonder..
Why if I can't talk to someone are they the ones who're in dire straights in a diverse set of people in a relationship? They matter, but maybe they like different people. I just got thru trying to assimilate with them and ended up in a rut. I think I did it again more successfully. However, the people spying on me are mad at me even tho I was nice.
Certain Words
When people trash me and make a lot of commotion so I can't think, bad words come to mind, like "trash" and "nigger." "Nigger" also comes up when I'm treated like one 1st. I like the word "bitch" and "fuck," tho. At 1st, I didn't, but I saw a 15-year-old English girl on the Pirates of the Caribbean 3 MySpace forum called "It's [Hayley] Bitch."
I have a plan!
I can see when they punish me if they say someone who we look up to is hurt from too much stimulation attention that might not be all that good from what I've seen. You know, I have something insulting to the people to say, that I don't really believe in what they're doing, in a way. You know, it might not have happened if I didn't look at Ellen DeGeneres's Twitter.
Ah'v Joined Up (I've joined up.)
I am not accepting arguments from other races and ethnicities because they are just trying to hurt me.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Calling It a Night
I went to mass this evening and got home by bus. It was an exciting mass, contemporary music too I sang in plainsong. I'm going to 2 masses tomorrow morning! Wonder what we will sing!
Well, exciting now I record myself singing better, better technology usage.
It's funny people acted like they served me dinner on a silver platter only to throw me to the streets socially. Don't act like that didn't just happen, amidst other big things happening out there. People will say this is the biggest accomplishment yet in history, whereas before it was Late Boomers being born into the world. "You mean, they're still alive!" Yes! Just a funny catch phrase that came to mind realizing how cool it is that we're talking about it and it's actually people who exist in history in important things today. Baby Boomers encompass the 1950s it seems now. Late Boomers are most popular treats. Their families probably have all the fun. It's funny how suddenly it's all about families. That's definitely not what it's about for me. I wanted to meet people I both am and am not related to. It's hard having 1/2 Asian blood, but I like my mom. It's hard just having a Caucasian dad. I don't know if anyone likes me.
Yea, so people acted like I should be glorified for some reason before, and I tried to say I wasn't good enough it feels or that I don't think they want to do that. Now, I'm nothing, like they had it planned all along. I'm not even nor mean. I only feel sad and upset on the inside and eventually soon the outside when people deny me my rights as a human being to be able to live and prosper in the world and socially, not to feel bumped around for something I did that's past and forgotten. I don't get it. I just see people think I'm an issue. They want me not to exist and end my life, like I'm just a deed to be done and k***ed for fun. I want more than what people will let me have or think they have to do to ruin my life.
Like, before, people are telling me I need all this stuff socially that I don't. Now, I'm called bad.
I hate to break to to you, but I think the reason I get what I do is because I am well-behaved and normal, tho some people may disagree. Also, I call it being experimented on cuz I'm not all that amazing and awesome as others and how I could be. So, that's what you'll get from me, tho I feel I was a lot better off on my own accord cuz I wasn't in trouble for believing weird things that are unspoken. I feel bumped out of family. It is devastating and for some reason re-enters my life.
Hey, I was looking at this star and wondering why people think we should respect Nazis for being white. I respect the Jews that got killed. I know people always respect white people, tho, and if you're not all white think when you're good and cool it's to be shunned as nothing. Also, if you say you like Germany, they think you're just a worshipper of Hitler. In the mid-2000s, "kids" sat slumped over as adults said their kids all say they're worse than Hitler. How gifted and brilliant, but that implies there's something wrong with me and not them. That's not how things were before for me.
I am glad that some people are adventurous and actually talk to me and don't mind getting "the attention.." I think people in my life are being monitored, but I wonder who else out there is like me. I can't tell like I can tell myself out there for some reason, which I do not ask unless truly just interested in something for yourself a bit or how much you are interested, which I don't know why.
You know, I was right. This person I know is important. People shower them with "stimulation" of a sensual nature in a way that was considered inappropriate. They didn't listen. Now, I am guessing the person has been knocked out and is having to hide.
About now, I think of something from "The Little Prince." Highlight for spoilers from book and movie:
He is a little boy from outer space, and he meets a pilot. He has a speech about how special his flower is. In the end, he wants to die. A snake bites. It reminds me of the forbidden fruit. I actually sang the song the flower sings. The prince asks the pilot to draw him a sheep. He had visited a lot of planets. The sheep is drawn in a box, so it won't eat the flower.
I am a bit confused. I don't see how what people out there are doing is exactly correct to "stimulate" someone I look up to in a sensual, suggestive way. I can just see they did it to hurt me cuz they're mad I cursed about Ellen DeGeneres putting hurtful, illegal noises in my room. No one said, "It's okay, Christina." Either, I was to figure to cope and have fun or it's a punishment too now. I mean, I feel so trashy myself in many ways and like I can't stimulate myself properly. I can see how someone I look up to deserves to be treated well. I guess the world decided it takes effort for people to be stimulated and they did it to this person for a wrong reason in this way.. to take away the leadership they once had and a love for me that is affected by them, to be used as a toy for sexual pleasure for who knows who.. the way you feel when someone you look up to is just a baby but feels more than you in some unlabeled way. The only argument of that is that I get cranky too often or only I should be it agreed to not express anger physically even if in a normal way in private in my room at home. So, they think that means it's the end for me. The person was involved, supposedly. Who knows who's involved! I don't. I wonder about people. I know you are to live more like a worker who is a good citizen and not be "me me me" I need everything and deserve social worship. So, then it's funny the commotion with this person and how people can focus with this going on. That means, not everyone is involved, maybe not the creme of the crop. I bet they messed the person up and that it could have been better like before in some ways. I think I do know, tho, that the person "doesn't have much" and lives in not always the most comfortable situations. So, they are looking for things like this, and people have provided that someone they love is in trouble and they should therefore be rendered helpless in their love for me and it hurts, like losing a parent when you're still young, among other things if you get now that other things are very important. Parents are still there, but other things are, too, obviously. Before, I think life was more about family and sometimes other people. I don't know, but maybe it can be seen in that way. Let's think about it, tho, cuz work.. success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, they say. I did something that people saw as bad but wasn't. So, they go on and treat someone I look up to like they're (highlight for spoiler>) Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I think I have it, I didn't do anything bad to deserve this. I was upset and didn't ever get to think that Election Day was important other than that you have your vote ready. I don't think it was essentially I who caused the election not to be Hillary. Hm, I know my dad claims he cracks under public pressure about these things but also thinks his dad in Heaven wants him to beat me socially and in other weird ways, tho I just deal with it as I can. He also thinks his elderly mom puts pressure on him. I wonder why the person I look up to is the only one with problems, other than the idea that I like them a lot so why not. It should not all got one person. I feel I came and I went. I was supposed to get something, not lose something. This isn't an adventure. I got kicked out altogether from what I liked in college in music, no 2nd chance, and they just said I was too shy to teach music and sing.. 2005, 11 years ago. I've already summed up my life once again for success. I think the movies are not all that's success, but we're getting older. Movie stars don't meet enough people, apparently. I'm not mad at the experiment for this and not at Ellen DeGeneres, tho I think she definitely caused it in a way maybe the person getting too much attention and stuff, like it's not right to be nice to me cuz I cursed at the hurtful, illegal noises she put in my room. It was there for a long time. So, what happened to the person I look up to? Did they decide it was not the program to.. Are they still at adult? I'm not asking for actual things but more ideas of philosophy, not like yea they're feeling youthful now. Just, what's the program? ..and how are we to look at things? If this weren't on Election Day, it wouldn't be like this. Maybe, that, and that I didn't really do anything bad would correct how to look at what is happening outside of just punishing me. No, I did not get special treatment on Election Day. I guess I am worried the person abandoned me most. I am also wondering if they are feeling ditzy and the magnitude and specifics kinda hurt me more than most anything other than that I'm comfortable and critical things. I have worse things in my life. So, like, the person is strict and maybe thinks it's over, but oh yes that's not what they said, tho so mostly am worried about them feeling different from before concerning their affection for me as a younger person and wondering if they lost it in some way that would rattle me. So, I'm not worried about much.
I need to go to bed soon cuz I am excited about the 2 morning masses. I have slept substantially some this week so should be okay. Sometimes, being awake is the right thing to do.
Also, people are under the false belief I can just forget about anything but pleasure, but that is definitely not the case. I get rattled and I can't always find happy things to come to mind. I in fact was just addressing something to do with this point.
Apologies for several things maybe I should not mention. Passing thoughts under some bad influence. I am beat socially so much and I mean people just won't take what happens in my head, like I have something wrong with me. I know, I know, they don't care 100% about apologies. I don't know if it's just me or that other people would get away with things if I didn't live like this.
Huh, I said a lot but to no point. I'll try:
(1) I am worried about the person I look up to being "stimulated" in a certain way, thinking it's because Ellen DeGeneres said to do for 2 reasons, to punish me and because it can be seen as destiny. I am worried I lost them for being imperfect and if it got to their head.
I should go on and say other things but am getting tired to express myself in writing the story or something.
I think the answer is yes it's partly because of Ellen DeGeneres but maybe not this much. The other 2 things, I think I definitely lost something in the relationship and no I don't think it had to get to their head.
I know people used to make loud noises that bother me, but I mean are they wired up to be stimulated this way? It's not important if they care about me but that they're okay because maybe they're also hurt, like psychologically/psychiatrically.
I guess I am wondering if they are checking out of life or retiring, too, because of this. That would also disturb me if this is why because it's like they were literally taken from me. I see things that way. I have been already and have something big I think of like this, that when people say I'm not good enough when I met someone prestigious and they're getting in my business and trying to socially beat at me for it.. they're just taking away something good someone good got that they need, see what I'm saying? You can't just take away everything from me.
Well, okay, nite!
Well, exciting now I record myself singing better, better technology usage.
It's funny people acted like they served me dinner on a silver platter only to throw me to the streets socially. Don't act like that didn't just happen, amidst other big things happening out there. People will say this is the biggest accomplishment yet in history, whereas before it was Late Boomers being born into the world. "You mean, they're still alive!" Yes! Just a funny catch phrase that came to mind realizing how cool it is that we're talking about it and it's actually people who exist in history in important things today. Baby Boomers encompass the 1950s it seems now. Late Boomers are most popular treats. Their families probably have all the fun. It's funny how suddenly it's all about families. That's definitely not what it's about for me. I wanted to meet people I both am and am not related to. It's hard having 1/2 Asian blood, but I like my mom. It's hard just having a Caucasian dad. I don't know if anyone likes me.
Yea, so people acted like I should be glorified for some reason before, and I tried to say I wasn't good enough it feels or that I don't think they want to do that. Now, I'm nothing, like they had it planned all along. I'm not even nor mean. I only feel sad and upset on the inside and eventually soon the outside when people deny me my rights as a human being to be able to live and prosper in the world and socially, not to feel bumped around for something I did that's past and forgotten. I don't get it. I just see people think I'm an issue. They want me not to exist and end my life, like I'm just a deed to be done and k***ed for fun. I want more than what people will let me have or think they have to do to ruin my life.
Like, before, people are telling me I need all this stuff socially that I don't. Now, I'm called bad.
I hate to break to to you, but I think the reason I get what I do is because I am well-behaved and normal, tho some people may disagree. Also, I call it being experimented on cuz I'm not all that amazing and awesome as others and how I could be. So, that's what you'll get from me, tho I feel I was a lot better off on my own accord cuz I wasn't in trouble for believing weird things that are unspoken. I feel bumped out of family. It is devastating and for some reason re-enters my life.
Hey, I was looking at this star and wondering why people think we should respect Nazis for being white. I respect the Jews that got killed. I know people always respect white people, tho, and if you're not all white think when you're good and cool it's to be shunned as nothing. Also, if you say you like Germany, they think you're just a worshipper of Hitler. In the mid-2000s, "kids" sat slumped over as adults said their kids all say they're worse than Hitler. How gifted and brilliant, but that implies there's something wrong with me and not them. That's not how things were before for me.
I am glad that some people are adventurous and actually talk to me and don't mind getting "the attention.." I think people in my life are being monitored, but I wonder who else out there is like me. I can't tell like I can tell myself out there for some reason, which I do not ask unless truly just interested in something for yourself a bit or how much you are interested, which I don't know why.
You know, I was right. This person I know is important. People shower them with "stimulation" of a sensual nature in a way that was considered inappropriate. They didn't listen. Now, I am guessing the person has been knocked out and is having to hide.
About now, I think of something from "The Little Prince." Highlight for spoilers from book and movie:
He is a little boy from outer space, and he meets a pilot. He has a speech about how special his flower is. In the end, he wants to die. A snake bites. It reminds me of the forbidden fruit. I actually sang the song the flower sings. The prince asks the pilot to draw him a sheep. He had visited a lot of planets. The sheep is drawn in a box, so it won't eat the flower.
I am a bit confused. I don't see how what people out there are doing is exactly correct to "stimulate" someone I look up to in a sensual, suggestive way. I can just see they did it to hurt me cuz they're mad I cursed about Ellen DeGeneres putting hurtful, illegal noises in my room. No one said, "It's okay, Christina." Either, I was to figure to cope and have fun or it's a punishment too now. I mean, I feel so trashy myself in many ways and like I can't stimulate myself properly. I can see how someone I look up to deserves to be treated well. I guess the world decided it takes effort for people to be stimulated and they did it to this person for a wrong reason in this way.. to take away the leadership they once had and a love for me that is affected by them, to be used as a toy for sexual pleasure for who knows who.. the way you feel when someone you look up to is just a baby but feels more than you in some unlabeled way. The only argument of that is that I get cranky too often or only I should be it agreed to not express anger physically even if in a normal way in private in my room at home. So, they think that means it's the end for me. The person was involved, supposedly. Who knows who's involved! I don't. I wonder about people. I know you are to live more like a worker who is a good citizen and not be "me me me" I need everything and deserve social worship. So, then it's funny the commotion with this person and how people can focus with this going on. That means, not everyone is involved, maybe not the creme of the crop. I bet they messed the person up and that it could have been better like before in some ways. I think I do know, tho, that the person "doesn't have much" and lives in not always the most comfortable situations. So, they are looking for things like this, and people have provided that someone they love is in trouble and they should therefore be rendered helpless in their love for me and it hurts, like losing a parent when you're still young, among other things if you get now that other things are very important. Parents are still there, but other things are, too, obviously. Before, I think life was more about family and sometimes other people. I don't know, but maybe it can be seen in that way. Let's think about it, tho, cuz work.. success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, they say. I did something that people saw as bad but wasn't. So, they go on and treat someone I look up to like they're (highlight for spoiler>) Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I think I have it, I didn't do anything bad to deserve this. I was upset and didn't ever get to think that Election Day was important other than that you have your vote ready. I don't think it was essentially I who caused the election not to be Hillary. Hm, I know my dad claims he cracks under public pressure about these things but also thinks his dad in Heaven wants him to beat me socially and in other weird ways, tho I just deal with it as I can. He also thinks his elderly mom puts pressure on him. I wonder why the person I look up to is the only one with problems, other than the idea that I like them a lot so why not. It should not all got one person. I feel I came and I went. I was supposed to get something, not lose something. This isn't an adventure. I got kicked out altogether from what I liked in college in music, no 2nd chance, and they just said I was too shy to teach music and sing.. 2005, 11 years ago. I've already summed up my life once again for success. I think the movies are not all that's success, but we're getting older. Movie stars don't meet enough people, apparently. I'm not mad at the experiment for this and not at Ellen DeGeneres, tho I think she definitely caused it in a way maybe the person getting too much attention and stuff, like it's not right to be nice to me cuz I cursed at the hurtful, illegal noises she put in my room. It was there for a long time. So, what happened to the person I look up to? Did they decide it was not the program to.. Are they still at adult? I'm not asking for actual things but more ideas of philosophy, not like yea they're feeling youthful now. Just, what's the program? ..and how are we to look at things? If this weren't on Election Day, it wouldn't be like this. Maybe, that, and that I didn't really do anything bad would correct how to look at what is happening outside of just punishing me. No, I did not get special treatment on Election Day. I guess I am worried the person abandoned me most. I am also wondering if they are feeling ditzy and the magnitude and specifics kinda hurt me more than most anything other than that I'm comfortable and critical things. I have worse things in my life. So, like, the person is strict and maybe thinks it's over, but oh yes that's not what they said, tho so mostly am worried about them feeling different from before concerning their affection for me as a younger person and wondering if they lost it in some way that would rattle me. So, I'm not worried about much.
I need to go to bed soon cuz I am excited about the 2 morning masses. I have slept substantially some this week so should be okay. Sometimes, being awake is the right thing to do.
Also, people are under the false belief I can just forget about anything but pleasure, but that is definitely not the case. I get rattled and I can't always find happy things to come to mind. I in fact was just addressing something to do with this point.
Apologies for several things maybe I should not mention. Passing thoughts under some bad influence. I am beat socially so much and I mean people just won't take what happens in my head, like I have something wrong with me. I know, I know, they don't care 100% about apologies. I don't know if it's just me or that other people would get away with things if I didn't live like this.
Huh, I said a lot but to no point. I'll try:
(1) I am worried about the person I look up to being "stimulated" in a certain way, thinking it's because Ellen DeGeneres said to do for 2 reasons, to punish me and because it can be seen as destiny. I am worried I lost them for being imperfect and if it got to their head.
I should go on and say other things but am getting tired to express myself in writing the story or something.
I think the answer is yes it's partly because of Ellen DeGeneres but maybe not this much. The other 2 things, I think I definitely lost something in the relationship and no I don't think it had to get to their head.
I know people used to make loud noises that bother me, but I mean are they wired up to be stimulated this way? It's not important if they care about me but that they're okay because maybe they're also hurt, like psychologically/psychiatrically.
I guess I am wondering if they are checking out of life or retiring, too, because of this. That would also disturb me if this is why because it's like they were literally taken from me. I see things that way. I have been already and have something big I think of like this, that when people say I'm not good enough when I met someone prestigious and they're getting in my business and trying to socially beat at me for it.. they're just taking away something good someone good got that they need, see what I'm saying? You can't just take away everything from me.
Well, okay, nite!
Friday, November 25, 2016
"Cruel and Unusual"
I've never heard of anything so cruel. Something really worked out between me and someone else, and now they're being tampered with like they have some deep, dark secret about who they supposedly are.
I feel the union of 2 made 1.
Saying I am shit and don't deserve to live and talk. Well, I think what I say on here is very interesting. Compare it to you having sex, maybe a little understatement.
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Good / Bad / Ugly
It is okay if someone wants to feel sex and pleasure, but it isn't a good idea to mindlessly engage in random nonsense that ends up with many people feeling hurt. You's gots to WERK (You got to work!) True, it seems some things are 2nd nature. By gosh, this is bigger than 911! Naw, ain't it the truth! "Isn't this so exciting?" Um, not if you're involved in a bad way with when something is bad.
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"This is 'The Fall of the House of Usher!'"
I became so sensitive to sound as a music major that I heard voices my 2nd semester.
People With Feelings
I cannot say any one race does not have feelings, to introduce myself.
I forget what I was gonna say.
So, what do you think people should feel?
I forget what I was gonna say.
So, what do you think people should feel?
Yes, what do people feel??
I don't know why in some way I feel dizzy. Maybe, I'm moving around. It doesn't come with a tingly feeling.
"Let's talk about love.."
What do you think of stimulating people in ways like giving them a lot of public exposure and then arousing them due to that fact? Some people face more pressure than others.
Nitey Nite
I guess I'l turn in. Looking forward to church tomorrow and Sunday. "These boots were made for walking, and that's just what they'll do. One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you." I got new boots for Black Friday and they even have heels, the largest size there I saw for women, tho I used to be a 3.
"Ain't it the truth?"
Just because someone was too mean to me does not mean I did anything wrong.
Things don't always go how I intended, and I don't foresee the future.
Things don't always go how I intended, and I don't foresee the future.
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